You try and you try and you try
And it doesn't change a ******* thing
Then you blame yourself and you blame yourself and you blame yourself
And wonder what could have been

Thought I'd try writing about honesty and transparency
Because I can't seem to stop turning desperate truths into lies
Maybe it's cause saying
"I don't need the warmth from somebody else's voice"
Sounds better than
"I cry myself to sleep every night"

1.) When your mother tells you she wants to **** herself, you will have to force a fist down your throat to keep yourself from saying "me too".

2.) You will sit in shocked silence like the ocean as it waits for the storm to pass. The storm will not pass. It will always be there. It will uproot the foundations of your home. It will drown you in the crying of the skies.

3.) Her hands will shake like a series of earthquakes have been running through her veins. You will try not to resent her. You will fail.

4.) Her lower lip will tremble like a leaf swaying in the darkness. You will try not to resent her. You will fail.

5.) She will say "I want to be engulfed by the sea. I want to not be able to breathe". You will have to force a fist down your throat to keep yourself from saying "me too"

6.)  Her eyes become headlights and you become the deer. You will want to run away. Don't run away.

7.) There will be days where you will miss the sound of nothing her arms can bring. There will be days where you will have to inject concrete into your own. There will be days where you will have to carry the weight of her broken spine and you will wonder how something so seemingly fragile can be so heavy. There will be days where you will have to be the strong one. But you are never the strong one.

8.) If you can't stop your tears from soaking your pillow, do not forget to flip it over. Do not let her the stains. Do not let her see your pain. Do not let her see how much this makes you want to bleed out from your eyes.

9.) She will say "I want to hang from the highest tree. I want to not be able to breathe". You will have to force a fist down your throat to keep yourself from saying "me too"

10.) These walls are a lot harder than you think and your knuckles are weaker than they look so please, don't try to punch holes into them. Take a camera and satisfy yourself with the emptiness of your own soul.

11.) Your brother will be screaming into the oblivion and you will be lying spread eagle on the floor of your bedroom. You will think of the mountain of ******* you have to face yourself. You will want to ignore him. You won't be able to. You will want to be selfish. Don't be selfish.

12.)  The TV will only show reruns and the news will keep repeating itself. No matter how much you want to smash the screen and rip the paper into shreds, don't.

13.) There are lines connecting you to this to her to life to death to flying to falling to burning to choking on every word you wanted to say.

14.) When your mother tells you she wants to **** herself, you will have to force a fist down your throat to keep yourself from saying "me too".

15.) You will regret forcing a fist down your throat to keep yourself from saying "me too"

My heart was crawling up my throat and out of my mouth
And I never thought to swallow it down
So I let it spill out in the form of "I'm falling in love with you"
Except that I didn't
Because my words crumbled to dust before they even escaped the cavern of my lips
He put his hand over my mouth
Before I can even let the word love trip off my tongue

And he told me to stop
I swear even the earth stood still on its axis
And he told me to stop
He said he couldn't handle it
And he told me to stop
I wanted to laugh and then wanted to cry
Because there I was shaking
With blood in my mouth
Bruises around my neck and wounds in my chest
And I could see why he'd say he couldn't handle it
But ******* I wanted him to try

I was holding my heart in my palms as a series of earthquakes hit my hands
And it would have hurt a lot less
If he said he did not want it
Or that he couldn't give a rat's *** about the pathetic mess that has become me
But he said he couldn't handle it
And I know, I know that
Love is a pretty heavy concept
But he has shouldered boulders and tsunami tides and entire planets in the past

He told me he couldn't handle it
And I tell myself that love is a pretty heavy concept
But a voice at the back of my mind says
"If he wanted to, if he really wanted you, he would try. He could handle it."

We used to write stories on each other’s arm
About Greek gods
I wrote about Apollo and how my world revolves around him
Because Apollo is made of sunlight and he just ******* bursts with starshine
And the beating of his heart is a melody sung by the highest angel
You wrote about Zeus
'Cause all your life you've been treated like ****
And you just wanted to feel something other than pain
And the sound of your father’s voice calling you weak and worthless and
It just hurts so much, doesn’t it?

I packed a suitcase full of your favorite books
And those green pens you always tuck behind you ear
I took you to Paris then Venice then Spain
You looked happy, I think
Most especially in the spaces between the seconds

You painted a picture of me
Using the words
"Hurricane" and "Torrential" and "Catastrophic"
But I know now that that is how you say I love you

You caught raindrops on your palm
And pretended it was Aphrodite’s tears
And you drank it with a broken kind of need

You wrote about Zeus
'Cause all your life you've been treated like ****
I wrote about Apollo

And the way my world revolves around him
You will never know that I wrote about you
And I’ve always been writing about you

"Please stop tapping out messages in Morse Code. I can’t understand it" I once said
But now I know that that is how you say I love you