i didn't need visuals to survive.
skin trembled in need of touch,
ears empty needing voids to be filled
it was hard to believe i'd set myself on fire for someone who consumed me,
but ashes piled up into a being made of fragments from previous fires and burnout relationships,
hardening into the chills that skimmed skin when i heard beautiful words directed towards me,
the way music transformed my soul, each different melody something so eclectic, the feeling of finding unlimited rhythms that moved my core,
initiating thoughts that each person was as unique as these songs, and i was endlessly discovering them like the harmonies ears fell in love with daily, individuals will come in through one ear and out the other, but some will synthesize and tremble my reality, and i will eternally seek the one who will stay like the song stuck inside my head, the one that rings in circles and plays perfectly behind every situation.

i waited for the moment of reciprocation,
wishing life was algebraic expressions,
knowing what you do to one side,
is done to the other.
i listen to the song you played over and over,
not knowing the meaning in the moment we were together because my mind was stuck on your hands on the steering wheel that will drive you away tomorrow,
remembering you'll turn into just another boy in a table of contents,
and i'll be the book you opened but never read,
just a page turned, looking at illustrations but never caring to read text.

knowing there were other people on the other side waiting for mutual feelings from me made me feel sorry,
but it didn't feel fair to try to give them my attention knowing my mind would still be wrapped around the vibration of your voice and the way you kissed and the parts of me i could comfortably unveil even though we had never met eyes until a few days ago

we all sat on this ferris wheel ride watching the one we yearned for take in a view without us,
while they were the only view we ever wanted,
eyes locked on something so unreachable,
yet we'll grasp tight till we loose hope.

bottles sprawled, linen sheets, old mascara, crumbs and leaves
i lived in a mess.
every week came a time where it drove me to places my head couldn't hold onto,
but every time i tried to fix things all i could do was sit frozen,
hands fidgeting, eyes locked, legs tingling, mind on overdrive.
the hollow feeling inside desperately looked for people like you,
knowing i didn't need to be completed, rather, complimented.
no prescription worked better than you, someone that made me feel so at peace with my life, whom i could sit in sand in silence, and feel so full,
a new breath of life into lungs that have been struggling to cycle old air.
made me feel brand new in three days, spoke words that made me work my brain, made my stomach feel like a maze, made my body feel like treasure, made goodbyes something i'll hate forever, knowing miles were the murderer of these lungs,
back to choking on old air and silent tongues.

the same people that planted flowers in my garden were the ones who were leaving me in drought,
digging holes and dropping seeds, leaving open insecurities, never coming back to tend or water,
forgetting about the beauty that could've grown

the same people that had made me feel happy and significant were the ones that tended scorching sunshine that created questioning and dispair weeks later.

empty promises and unfulfilled plans,
faded memories, withered people
and dead flowers

i wake up with this feeling in my throat,
and go to bed with it again, scratching like sandpaper,
aching for fresh air,
i try to keep myself going,
to do what is expected and necessary,
but i find myself stuck,
fingers frozen, throat closed, eyes glazed with uneasiness,
mind overstocked to the brim, closing in, people ran miles around my brain, circling a twine filled with questions that will cut circulation in my veins,
images of memories unwind, the feeling my face got when it was hard to not hold a smile, the warmth of another, the thrill of affection, the belief in one another, the vibration of words that held hope, to make hearts vulnerable and eyes light up.
the temporary people who have passed by and created reels for remembrance, each one leaving me as cold as the next.

after flipping through 10 digit sequences and never finding the right call,
insecurities rose as frequent as the sunrise,
and i created a wall with murals on one side, and brick on the other,
making sure whoever rang me would only hear the voice of a simple cold "hello",
i did not want to pick up the phone and create fires for people who were going to water me down,
expose my murals and let spectators decline and walk away,
i'd rather know they saw nothing and left because they never witnessed the real version of me, only taking in brick walls, hearing dials instead of voices, ears listening to the robotic sound of answering machines and not the melodies from within me, staying awake only to watch the sunset, but be gone before the sunrise.
it was frightening to think some drifted away after eyes peeled from brick, saw murals, took in melodies, read words painted down endless roads of feeling, stayed for the sunrise, and picked up the phone to find me on the other side,
the shaking feeling resonated inside, the wondering that would never end, are pieces of me missing, or were there too many?

there I watched, the moon leave and the tide become unsettling, knowing waves would turn into knots and eyes would become foggy,
everything returned to the way it began.