I lost my virginity in a church parking lot. I took holy sanction for an act that was unclean because it was with someone I did not love. In fact I barely knew him.

I lost my virginity in a church parking lot, and I should have known then that was the beginning of a walk in the shadows, away from salvation.

Its been years since I've walked through church doors, except for the occasional funeral. I never talk to God unless my heart is swelling with pain.

Its been years since I have been the person I should be, my high school experience being filled with days being too intoxicated to function, pills and a hospital visit, wounds made by my own hand and too much self hatred for one person to stand.

I lost my virginity in a church parking lot, but its been years since I've walked through church doors.

This is no longer an open diary to you, but it will still be composed purely of "I love you"'s and "I miss you"'s.

I buried your goodbye letter in my pillow and I will sleep over it like a tombstone because I am not ready to feel away from you yet.

I am going to lay here and wait for you to come demanding that its not over, but you won't.

So I will no longer count down the days till I get to see you. But pray for the day to come that I am not surrounded by constant reminders of you.

..I always lose things in my bed sheets, and somehow you disappeared too, and now I am afraid to fall asleep.
What if you hold me in my dreams and I wake up and you are nowhere to be found?

Wanna know the weirdest part about me? I can barely make the muscles on my face move enough to create a smile, when all I really wanna do is take too many sleeping pills and drown in drowsiness while the world around grows black and silent.

But yet I somehow find a way to force myself onward to help pick up those who have fallen when I don't even know where I stand with myself. Hello, meet me, the biggest hypocrite alive.

For example, one day at school on my way to 6th period biology, I was having a day alot like today -horrible- and when I got to the top of the steps I saw that one of my classmates, Rhiannon, had fallen and her stuff was scattered. Everyone just walked around her like she wasn't there, except for these cute upperclassman boys who were staring at her with amused smirks on their faces. I didn't find them very cute after that. Rhiannon was always very shy and was never quite popular, some poeple even called her hippo because of her size. But what people probably don't know about her is that girl has one of the biggest hearts and biggest brains I have ever seen.

So I helped her up and grabbed her bag and gave the upperclassman boys the meanest look I could conjer up and made small talk with her on the way to class like nothing had happened so she wouldn't feel awkward or the need to say thanks.

People like those in the hall that day are the reason I have given up on people and society. They leave people like me to feel even more drained than I already do because I have to help those that they have victimized along the way. Why are they so high and mighty that they can run over who ever the hell they please?

I can still smell the moonshine on my skin, no matter how hard I scrub it off. I can still see your smile no matter how hard I shut my eyes. You are everything I should want. You are everything I should reach across the sheets for at night. And at this point, I dont think even god knows why, but you aren't.

I can smell the rotting of my bed sheets and the mold in the air.
this is the furthest thing from poetic because none of this is beautiful.
I thought my life was going to bloom into something great and now my room at home rots like fruit, and my parents complaints reveal themselves like seeds, telling me to go plant myself something.

Just the other day I walked into high school an awkwardly trembling, anxiously perspiring freshman. But today I curled my hair, sprayed my perfume and put on all the essentials to make me look like a distinguished graduate.

I remember looking back when my sister graduated 6 years ago and thinking, "she is so big and grown, and ready to conquer the world". Standing in a class of four hundred and something students I'm sure I looked just the same as she.

But underneath the gown, stole, chords and cap I am still that shaking newbie who is ready for flight and the first sign of something frightening.

I am terrified of the unknown ahead of me, but like before I think I will stick it out and see where I end up.