still looking for a punishment
still looking for a way to fix this
the works of my hands and the steps of my feet
led me to a barren country
(barren meaning me)
you blew it up like ***** & gomorrah
(they're also me)

soon fire and smoke will leave bruises on my body
take my breath away and leave me hanging
(i guess they all leave me)

too many men too many to count have stumbled and fallen
david and goliath
i am the rock flying
(to where? nowhere)
flying to fall
flying to destruct

but i guess what i am trying to say
is that i want to be punished
to account for all the things that i've done
that i was never tried for
yet all i receive
all that i can see and think and imagine
is the grace that you freely give
and i don't think i deserve it
i know i don't
i know i never will

yet all around me
no matter what i'm doing
or what i'm feeling
all i see when i seek you
is mercy
i can't run away from it
it's there every time i turn around
because mercy just loves to over throne judgement
o how merciful is he! to not have forsaken me!
i swear i'm worse than what you can see
but he! o how grace and loving is he
to turn away when he is not pleased
to reach for me even as i am *****
i do not think i deserve this
yet it's all i see

and i guess what you're trying to say is
you just love me

I have things to say.
They say, "Go back to reality! That will give you no money!"
Market yourself in a way you will seem desirable to the masses.
"The masses" are just messes.
But me!
I don't even life myself sometimes.
Sometimes meaning all the time.
Always!

But things are changing and hearts are turning.
Birds are chirping a new tune and trees are swaying
to a different melody.
No longer are tormented souls tormenting.
No longer are the desperate fighting!
The hungry are eating and the thirsty are drinking.

There is courage arising.
A bad night is not a bad life. And when the sun awakens,
a lion can be heard roaring.
A shepherd can be seen dancing.
In the meadows, princesses are gathering their swords
and warriors are wearing their crowns.
Behold! For the clouds are parting to make way
for the Everlasting King of Beauty.

No more crying and no more fighting.
Blood will cease to paint these walls.
You will hear people rejoicing and preparing for a party.
Oppression is a mere smear in history.

So, I have things to say.
Things not everyone will be okay with.
Things that will capture the eyes of the wise and turn the heads of the fools.
I have things to say and so I shall speak.

I have a silly notion
That if I say it aloud it will come true.
That if I say it to you, you'll listen.
But I've been shouting 'I love you' even before I knew what it truly meant. I think I have already fallen I just didn't know yet.
I have lost so many glances In Your Way and every time I look for them I hyperventilate at how close I'm getting towards you.
There was never a moment you were never inside my thoughts and I think I would have to clean this vast room because there's too much You.. My mind wasn't aware but looking back, every action I made was to get your attention. The shame and embarrassment I felt would have been worth it if you reciprocated.
Now I'm older and I'm still figuring out why i find so much comfort in tear-stained pillows and soaked sheets and why pieces of me are scattered around the floor like my clothes. And that's how I feel. Like a piece of clothing discarded because it just doesn't look good. I know I'm not much of a looker but darling, if only you saw. If only you saw the way I looked at you like you were God and I prayed so hard that you would notice me. Then it wouldn't have mattered much, would it?
I'm still figuring out which bone I would have to break so that I would fit into the mold you seem to find your type in.
Now I'm older and I still haven't found the answers and I still have not gotten over you.
Now I'm older and I still have a silly notion.

Do not let Death in.
No!
Surely, he will take my breath away.
He does that well. Yes, very well.
Do not let Death in.
For he will make me go with him.
Somewhere quiet. Down into the catacombs because he says
He shall be the only one to see me.
He does not like sharing.
Even if he has a dozen others at his disposal.
Do not let Death in.
He does not leave once he has come inside.
No, he stays around.
Far too long for comfort but you will never notice.
For he appears only in the walls. At night. When you are all asleep.
He glides off the white paint and visits me.
But do not be afraid; he lingers in the air.
As he waits for his next victim, you will feel him chilling your bones.
Around your house, do not despair when you feel alone. He is with you.
Waiting for the right timing,
And then you shall stand in his trophy case filled with his other many conquests.
So please,
Do not let Death in.

m.j.

You bought prescribed medicine,
But knew nothing could remedy this pain.
Oh darling if you only knew,
How much you mean to me.
Maybe you wouldn't dare to lift that blade
And cut across your skin.
Or find your knuckles very delectable
Enough to eat and watch
Food re-appear like magic.
You bough prescribed medicine
And swallowed the pills.
Went home and slept on your tears
Warmer than any man's arms could give.
You pushed these thoughts aside and closed your eyes
Because you knew nothing could remedy
The empiness you feel.
Oh darling, if you only knew
How much you mean to me.

She walks down the hallway with dark-tinted sunglasses but it’s 9 pm and she’s late for her night class. You know this because you're in the same class and you’re also late but the difference is your knees keep kissing the floor from trying to run with your soaked shoes stomping on the quiet hall of your school. Her back is facing you but you can almost make out her side-view. You see a cigarette dangling on her lips. She exhales and drops the stick on the floor, her boots making contact with the ashes to disintegrate it further. She finally turns around and you stare at her wondering how someone could be so calm and collected. She took off her glasses and stared at you, shaking her hair to rid the little droplets of rain that made a home in the black silky strings attached to her scalp. Your palms sweat and you grow confused. You see nothing in the orbs reaching a hand out to yours and suddenly you’re catapulted back to the now and you’re staring at a reflection of yourself in the girl’s bathroom after making an excuse to your professor about how you’re feeling sick but really, you’re sick of the sharp nails scraping the board doing nothing to teach you algebra or...what class were you taking? You can’t stay there. You feel like your skull is about to break. The bag under your eyes feel heavy and they’re screaming at you that they can’t carry your eyes any longer. You ignore them. Because your chest is saying the same thing about your heart. You wonder how you got to the point where your brain stopped sending out your conscience to tell you that ***** is not gonna wipe out your memory and that blades were meant to tear other things, not your skin. Where your angel and your devil fall off your shoulder from trying to shake off all your feelings and they stopped trying to get back up there and whisper to your ear. The devil wins anyway. And he knows it. You know it. (So why did you let it happen?) You stare at the mirror carefully and regard the girl with the pale skin, empty vortex in the shape of eyes and try to reach out your hands inside to see if you can uncover something but you notice your fingers disappearing in front of you and you can’t feel your arms. In fact, you can’t feel the rest of your body. You are simply a husk of man, now. An apparition that looked like the girl after self-destruction that one night which led to an unbreakable habit. The Future aches for the Present to switch places because it knows more a lot about what's going to happen but you also know that your mistakes are gonna catch up with you sooner or later so you stand back and watch the Present detonate on the bathroom floor.
The tiles are cold and you feel your limbs going weaker. The walls are closing in on you and you wonder if they came to keep you company. You want some company.  Your eyelids is falling asleep and the last you see is a closed door. You liked that door. It didn't give way to strangers tonight. You try to listen to your heartbeat but the silence is screaming too loud. You plead for it to go away but it stays. And you stay. Laying on the bathroom floor, you stayed. Everyone else resumed what they were doing and you stayed on the bathroom floor. You stayed.

m.j.