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ml Aug 2016
a flood of tears
that taste a lot like fears
stress and overwhelming ambition
inhabiting the air like smoke

i feel a hunger deep within me
that no food can satisfy
a thirst
that not even water can satiate

i am filled with a longing
an abstract knowledge of what i am missing
the thing that only the wholeness of God can provide
the blanket of hope to comfort me
the pill of salvation to heal
arms that will hold through the toughest of years
hands that will caress every broken part of my being
a love that is stubborn and unrelenting
feet that will never stop chasing

i regret the times i missed the opportunity
to turn my head against my woes
and focus on Your absolute beauty
but here i stand
back in the wilderness
surrounded by Your creation
nature in all of its glory
basking in the naked sunlight that your smile provides
a crown shines like a halo on top of my head
from murky water to clear, diluted vision
focused on the mystery of the unkown
but inevitable truth that
You are the true help that I need
Even when I don't think I need it
ml Aug 2016
there's a storm brewing inside of my chest
a heaviness that none can contest
of course, i might have written this out of context

i feel a lightning about to strike
a heavy hand's swift slap
that takes someone off-guard
a flutter of reasoning
like the wings of bird trapped in a gilded cage
fussing about listlessly as if someone
somehow caught itself in the trap of its talons
and does not, for the life of him, has the energy to escape

squished and pushed into the deepest, darkest, back of the room
conscience has no place
in this state of confusion
i try very hard to snap out of it
but every night, at 12 p.m., i find myself thinking of
what if and what could've been
wishing  (as if somehow i could wish it into existence)
someone would care enough
to extend their hand from above
and pull me back up from the mess i made a home in
ml Apr 2016
still looking for a punishment
still looking for a way to fix this
the works of my hands and the steps of my feet
led me to a barren country
(barren meaning me)
you blew it up like ***** & gomorrah
(they're also me)

soon fire and smoke will leave bruises on my body
take my breath away and leave me hanging
(i guess they all leave me)

too many men too many to count have stumbled and fallen
david and goliath
i am the rock flying
(to where? nowhere)
flying to fall
flying to destruct

but i guess what i am trying to say
is that i want to be punished
to account for all the things that i've done
that i was never tried for
yet all i receive
all that i can see and think and imagine
is the grace that you freely give
and i don't think i deserve it
i know i don't
i know i never will

yet all around me
no matter what i'm doing
or what i'm feeling
all i see when i seek you
is mercy
i can't run away from it
it's there every time i turn around
because mercy just loves to over throne judgement
o how merciful is he! to not have forsaken me!
i swear i'm worse than what you can see
but he! o how grace and loving is he
to turn away when he is not pleased
to reach for me even as i am *****
i do not think i deserve this
yet it's all i see

and i guess what you're trying to say is
you just love me
ml Apr 2016
I have things to say.
They say, "Go back to reality! That will give you no money!"
Market yourself in a way you will seem desirable to the masses.
"The masses" are just messes.
But me!
I don't even life myself sometimes.
Sometimes meaning all the time.
Always!

But things are changing and hearts are turning.
Birds are chirping a new tune and trees are swaying
to a different melody.
No longer are tormented souls tormenting.
No longer are the desperate fighting!
The hungry are eating and the thirsty are drinking.

There is courage arising.
A bad night is not a bad life. And when the sun awakens,
a lion can be heard roaring.
A shepherd can be seen dancing.
In the meadows, princesses are gathering their swords
and warriors are wearing their crowns.
Behold! For the clouds are parting to make way
for the Everlasting King of Beauty.

No more crying and no more fighting.
Blood will cease to paint these walls.
You will hear people rejoicing and preparing for a party.
Oppression is a mere smear in history.

So, I have things to say.
Things not everyone will be okay with.
Things that will capture the eyes of the wise and turn the heads of the fools.
I have things to say and so I shall speak.
ml Apr 2016
I want to be a creator. Of all things great and beautiful.

I want to be a creator but I've forgotten about one Creator. Also a Savior of all lost and hopeless. Of the broken pieces and the ladies in waiting. Always waiting.

I have forgotten how to be a servant to a king. The King. And that if I long to be someone great one day, I must labor now. Toil in the darkness of the night where nobody sees. Plant the seeds. Water the trees. Do this today. Not waiting for the right moment because the right is now. Right now I need to move. Move from the jungle of depression and the lake of loneliness. Such seduction of "Never leave" and "I'll never leave you."  One makes you lose yourself and the other drowns you. Both strangle you and keep you. Such is the circle of life. Of brokenness and of healing. Of serving and then creating. Of losing and then winning. Hakuna Matata.

Footsteps on an empty hallway will be shouts of victory in the morning. Battle scars will be battle cries. Tests will become testimonies. Messes will become messages. Victorious glory and glorious victory. Eternal, eternal.

I want to be a creator. A creator who doesn't forget about her Creator.
ml Mar 2016
I didn't think it was possible
To walk away from the darkness
From the vices and the actions
I voluntarily took part in

Two and a half years ago
If you asked me
Where I would be in the future
I would say
"At the bottom of a beer bottle
Waiting to be thrown at the floor
To be a glass shard
For people to walk on
And bleed from"

I would say
I would cut
And cut
And cut
And cut
Until the whole canvas of my body
Would be filled
Of ridges and lines
Bleeding of agony

I would say
That I would stay
Right there
On the floor
Crying, Screaming
Wishing I could leave

Two and a half years later
I stand at the end of the dark tunnel
That the metaphor they used
Became my life
And that the sun shines
In my face and I no longer dislike it

That I no longer wish for the darkness
Or wish for death to eat me up
I no longer wish I would find the courage
To **** myself
Because I've tried
And I'm still here standing

Still standing because
Now I know I can't be who I want to be
Without the guidance of the One
I used to think was out to get me

But He showed me that scars could heal
Just like His
That pain and torment
Could just as easily become
Joy and contentment
He lavished me with grace
And painted me with love
And rewrote my story with mercy
ml Aug 2015
Hands
With their countless wit
And brave strength
Of their telling tales
And comforting embrace

Don't let them turn against you
Because they can sin faster than you can say Amen
They move down
And down
And down
Until it's reached a bottomless pit
Of unsuspecting victims

It's long fingers and strong grips
Will lead you to destruction
Where you and death meet

Your fate is in you hands
Don't crush it or give it away
Or turn it into a cautionary tale

Many have suffered under such ruthless hands
You could be one of them
Or you could be spared

Say a prayer
That He bless your hands
That it may not sin
So you shall not die
And you shall live
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