It's been ages since I have touched these walls, no,
broken them with my fingers and the sole reason as to why this happens.
True, indeed that in the night the door opens, creativity floods in like when you promised Noah you'd flood them in.
Guess this one came without a warning; hit me like a tidal wave
Like those punches I tried so hard to dock away from
Insecurity has sneaked itself into my skin and is forming its own image the mirror can't see and I think I'm the devil.
I am depression personified. HA!
GOD!!!! You said you could save me! Look at the clay you've worked so hard to create. she's wasting away like dust on these walls you put her in. Called it a home, it was a home for crying. And breaking things with my head in hopes of regaining my sanity.
I don't think I've ever left hell when the fires crackling were like singing my name, inviting me in.
If only salvation was real, they said I know of a person, a
God that died and poured his blood on the cross and wore a thorn crown.
Guess what God! We're matching!
In the way that the blood is dripping off of these self-inflected wounds that cut deeper than the thorns on your scalp.
They bruise me like the way you turned away from my screams that one night when I was begging you....begging you to save me.
BLASPHEMY!!! God never did save me! If he did,
why am I still here? I looked at the skies day and night wishing a hand would break through the impenetrable clouds that seem far too grey at 8 am, and I assumed the worst. That when he died
he never thought of me. All these situations in my hands
knocking on every door i ever go through in, IN the darkness went and swept me off my feet. dark knights were always so
alluring yet I still yearned for the burning sensation throughout my whole body like when the sun greeted me.
WHERE IS THE ******* DIVINE TRINITY! There are three of them and yet they all left me. Not a single glance my way but a whirlwind of regret under my feet, wasting my time as if it was sand at the beach and they were never-ending.
I thought your God saves. I've popped them pills to try and help me have a saner mind and still no answer! When is this going to end?
You know it's real when I can't even glamorize my words to make this seem inviting!  
This is not a poem but a warning: this God they speak of, He is not real.

sometimes i wonder if god keeps a record
of all the times i have been left,
all the times i have been unable to leave.
i wonder if he thinks to himself,
"when will she learn?"
as if he feels my heartache too.
i picture god with a furrowed brow,
hunched over a typewriter,
beginning me again and again,
a mountain of crumpled paper at his feet.
but somehow -
he always ends up at the same point in the story
where i am all ****** palms
and half-hearted hallelujahs
propped up on bruised knees.
spitting up blood & teeth at his feet screaming,
"IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?"
but he doesn't answer.
and i catch myself wondering if the silence
is his way of punishing me for making a deity out of you.
after all, the bible says he is a jealous god.
i could've sworn there was a verse somewhere
that said you weren't allowed to love anyone other than me.
but now that i think about it,
i probably took it out of context.
if i could add a parable to those already existing,
it would be how your chest
felt like church under my head,
and how i thought to myself,
"this is how it would be if he loved me back."
or how you fled my bedroom like a crime scene.
i am still bleeding.
i won't tell you how many times
i cracked my heart in half
trying to be what you wanted.
how my lips on your skin felt judas.
now i am waiting for god to begin me once more,
hoping he'll leave you out of the plot this time
because i don't think i could stand to lose you again.
see, rumor has it he knew you'd leave
and has been trying to make it up to me
since before we'd even met.
my song is one of repentance.
the wood finish from abandoned pews
rotting under my fingernails.
i made sacrifices you didn't ask for.
i have never known
whether my inability to abandon people
is more a strength or a weakness
but so far everyone i've ever loved
has turned into an exit wound,
and myself into a flickering no vacancy sign.

- m.f.

I haven't written anything in so long.
I guess it's because I only ever write in here when I'm sad.
And I'm sad today.
If you asked me a month ago if I was okay, I would have said yes without hesitation.
But sometimes, life gets a better of you, y'know?
It's tiring. Being in the same place over and over again.
And it feels like a never-ending train ride.
And I'm frightened at how fast it's going.
It seems like there is no way out.
I could always open the windows and jump out, but I've done that before and it didn't work.
Actually, nothing really works.
I need a miracle.
Said in a hopeful whisper to the ear of The One you know will listen.
But you're doubting again. And you just, so badly, want Him to hear you out.
It's tiring; shouting for attention. Pulling your hair out and screaming.
Tearing your skin and pulling on the wind, trying to get heaven closer to you in hopes that He will hear you better.
And you've been crying out for days now.
There is still no answer.
You are in perpetual darkness.
And it's gripping you and you're wound up so tight you can't breathe.
And you need the escape.
And you need Him.
But He's not there.
Maybe He will never be.

still can't accept this gripping reality
that's hitting me right on the cheek
i thought i would get past this
actually thought i did it
it only took one moment
to change everything
and go back to where i was before
here on my knees
asking for forgiveness
am i still whispering Your name in vain?
is this silence still your answer?
these goosebumps on my flesh never seem to go away
is this a sign of your yes or no?
i never figured it out
Lord maybe you could've said something a little more
distinct so i would've known
who it was
is there any reason
any reason at all
to why i'm doing this again
why do you permit this?
i'm asking question after question
the same
questions i thought i
knew the answer to but you
keep proving me wrong
when's all this going to end?
when am i ever going to fully comprehend
the silence that greets me
when i whisper your name
wishing it was enough to fill
this void and this pain
couldn't ever yell it out (not what i want, no)
for fear of being called crazy
talking to nobody
i know you're there
so
please,
answer me
what's the point of all these cruelty
that never seem to stop haunting me
i swear they're always at the back of my head
telling me to do things i wish i never did
they're all there
imprinted on my skin
i call out to you
"God, please save me"
i told myself not to expect anything but
i still get disappointed.
is this how it will always go?
push and pull?
as if there's no way to bridge this gap
as if your hand was never enough
to pull me back up?
You died on the cross
to rid us of our sins
how come i'm still like this?
with unanswered prayers and broken dreams?

nobody warns you about the first boy who tells you he wants to marry you.

nobody warns you about the tangible shift in the universe when he parts his lips to smile.

nobody warns you about the poetry he'll write you or how your knees will weaken or the melancholy hidden between the layers of his laughter.

nobody warns you that miles will morph into lightyears and you will curse the ocean for being the only thing that keeps his fingers from resting between yours.

nobody warns you about the day his sweater doesn't smell like him anymore.

nobody warns you that human hands are incapable of holding a person together.

nobody warns you that sometimes love is not enough, no matter how much you wish it was.

nobody warns you about the crippling nostalgia that renders you breathless.

nobody warns you about the nights when silence screams for your blood.

nobody warns you about the crater that forms in your chest in the middle of the night when he doesn't answer.

nobody warns you about how it's going to feel when he tells you he's in love with someone else.

nobody warns you that forever is a lie.

- m.f.

i'm sinking again.
falling like a weightless child into her father's arms, i fall into depression
like there are a thousand of arms pulling
me down into this pit of darkness i was once
so familiar with
and I CAN'T BREATHE.
THERE ARE ******* PARASITES SEEPING INTO MY SKIN
THE EMPTINESS CHILLING MY BONES AND I AM CLAWING DESPERATELY AT SOMETHING IN THIS NOW
TO HOLD ON TO BUT THE PROSPECT OF
SLIPPING INTO MY PAST SELF IS SO VERY MUCH ALLURING AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I JUST WANT TO PULLM Y HAIR OUT AT ALL THESE CONFLICTED
EMOTIONS

m.j.

i'm trying not to notice that i'm running out of chances and that there is a high possibility that i am going to get punished for the sins that i have made
because i am back to square one again
where i left you and i lost all my desire to be happy
and i just quit
didn't want to live
i remember that second i told you that i've lost hope and i don't know whether i still believed in God
i have been trying to get my **** together but i keep going back to the same place i was before
and this misery still tastes as good as i remember
it's still as warm as your comfy old sweater
and i haven't lost my touch at all
i'm still good at this....
being miserable