For the first time

I feel less like running away than usual
I feel less like throwing my walls up
I feel less like hiding

I love
The way you kiss my fingertips slowly
Your closed eyes when we kiss

How you cried, that night
When I was unhappy
And it had nothing to do with you

When you push my hair away from my face
When you call me beautiful
You say it as if you are in awe

How whenever we see a child wherever we are
You point it out, look at me and
Smile
As if you want to share that moment with me

How we call hugs
Presents
So that we give each other something
Everyday

How you listen to everything
I have to say
Even if you are so tired

You rarely think
About the lives of construction workers
Janitors, manual laborers

But then
You meet a woman who belongs to this world

You can see the dampened hope in her eyes
But behind that
The fiery determination shines
To give to her loved ones the life she could not have

She lights up when you speak to her

Her words tumble out, she looks
Relieved

Almost as if by expressing these ideas
She releases some unknown pressure from inside

You leave her then
Astounded, honored

But it is she who attempts to meet your gaze every time you see her next
As if to thank you for acknowledging her existence

But it is you who feels grateful

I told you last night
That we couldn’t last if I was far away
That we could say over and over
And over again
That we were different
But we weren’t

We aren’t

Now I wish I could take it back
I don’t want to make you feel like I don’t care
Like you don’t matter
Because you do
You matter so much

I wish I wasn’t the kind of person
Who pushed people away
As soon as they came too close

I love you so much
When you’re not with me
But when I’m with you
I tell myself I can live without you with

No problem

What is wrong with me?