I do not feel like myself lately
and maybe it’s because I spend most
of the day wondering what life could be like if I was not living tied to the phrase “what if”
However, I’m stuck inside a shell of who I once knew and I just do not feel like myself lately

When the sun shines
why do I not align perfectly
with the other rosebuds?
Why do I not bend and twist
at the Earths every last resort to try
and keep me warm?
When the rain pours down
onto the soil why do I not soak up
the nourishment I need to keep myself fed?
When all the other rosebuds bloom into
flowers I could only dream of being
why am I stuck looking up at them?
When will I prosper?

lately
all i can feel is the cold wrapping itself
around my body like a snake begging for my warmth even though
i have nothing left to give but my lukewarm tears so instead of pulling myself out of this trance i lie silently waiting for every last drop to be wrung out of my lifeless soul

Disappointment laced with
fighting - shouting, when will this
be enough?
Lying on the bathroom floor
covered in your own *****
How did you even get here?
The words are spinning around your head
and spilling out your ears
Do you remember the empty promises as you hand over the thirty dollars you
needed for your cell phone bill?
It’s as if “I know, I’ll do better” are the only words that chemical left in your brain
Where did the time go?
About four hours ago you waived goodbye to rehab and hello to freedom
Or should I say your next fix?
How do you help someone who can’t be fixed?
How do you help someone addicted to this ****?

Will there ever
come a day I don’t
need to make sure
you are still here
willingly?
Will there ever
be a day I don’t
feel like I live
in her shadow?
Will there ever
be a time I don’t
have to look
over my shoulder?
Will you ever
for even a moment
stop to think of me?

My heart longs for your love
like flowers long for the suns warmth

I could have sworn
I felt love before
you walked into my life
but the moment you laid
your eyes on me I knew
what I used to think was
love
was actually a longing for something
much more than just filling an empty
part of me
and the moment you
pressed your lips to mine
I realized love is more than an empty
promise