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 Jun 2015 Cristina Dean
archives
i was
a prisoner
caged in my own mind
dragged down by the chains
in my words
throwing myself at a world
that didn't take me in
you set me
free
and i still wore those shackles
around my feet
like my favorite pair of shoes
but
your grace kept me
my debt
was paid
i am no longer defined
by my shame
my insecurities can't pull me
down
keep me above the waves
that crash around me
i'll keep calling
your name
 Jun 2015 Cristina Dean
NV
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 Jun 2015 Cristina Dean
NV
THE EXCUSE USED WAS THAT I HAD
WRITER'S BLOCK.

UNTIL I STARTED BEING HONEST
WITH MYSELF,

AND ADMITTED I WAS TERRIFIED
OF CREATING SOMETHING THAT
PEOPLE WOULDN'T LIKE.

I WAS TERRIFIED OF NOT BEING ENOUGH,

EVEN FOR MYSELF.
I. there is a sort of ephemeral longing
you can only find in the heartbreaks of grown-up girls
(old tracks, cleaned room, messy hair, simplicity)

thinking back on the glowing days of adolescence
when bad flicks brought you places

IV. back then, the anticipation of being older was
almost tangible enough to cut
in halves, fourths and one-tenths

now the mere thought turns you off;
lemon cakes taste as bitter as the sugar
poured in your third afternoon coffee

V-III. your love of chocolate was left at the beach
along with pink heart-shaped sunglasses

(i rented that semicentennial-old russian novel
to convince myself that dreams aren't real
and until the skin breaks, your past stays intact
at least that's what H.H. taught me)

VI. looking back, your childhood was not as bad
as you make it out to be, truth be told
fascinated by your infatuation with the
place where you always belonged;

II. today the world is cold, punctuated
by the sore troubles of reality
that friends, majors and late-night talks
both compose and mend

and heaven knows how much you have to say.
it's the emptiness
it's the hatred that builds up in the creases of your
smile, of the laughter you hide your disgust with

it's the appointments you tear from your organizer
the holes in your stomach
the sunburn on your shoulders; the redness of your nose

it's your incurable phobias
your cut-up legs
your bleeding nose
your teary eyes
your itchy back
your raw skin

swollen lips
bare nails
unkept hair
ugly voice
tiredness

why the ****'d you think spring would fix you?
 Jun 2015 Cristina Dean
MrJaM
This face is a paper
white bright and empty
You painted a cipher
of joyous summer
And off you disappear
like the roadrunner
leaving me dizzy
and confused in wakes
of your love smokes

I look in mirror
at this cipher
keen as a gaper
been on a popper
And I wonder
if I can ever
get all of it together
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