In the beginning I had no doubt
I would return to the way I once was
There was no question about it

Years have now passed

Things didn't go back to the way they once were
And I finally realized I would never return to the way I once was

It took 4 years to finally realize the obvious


I once thought I would not live long enough to see my hair grow back
It grew back
Time went on
I got older
The nostalgia and longing for my old life got worse


I looked out the window today
And the pain cut deep

For me, the outside world is out of reach

It's there
It's real
But I am no longer part of it


I burry my face in my pillow and let the tears come
They always come


Every day is the same day
An overwhelmingly long day



I look into a mirror
The same face I see every day looks back at me
She frowns
At least I think that's what that ****** expression is
A face that is held together with so much metal seems more robotic than human


My back hurts now, so I should lie down completely
That's also held together with metal
So are many other parts of my body

I don't have the strength to make a list of what's held in place with metal bolts and screws


I rest my bionic self in bed
As comfortably as I can
And sigh



My heart hurts...
Now that part is still human

"Good morning beautiful," is what he would say to me

At the beginning of every French class

And stand in the doorway waiting for my arrival

Every French class




We were fourteen back then

And like any fourteen-year-old girl

I'd roll my eyes at him to show him I didn't care



But I did



And I would smile as soon as he wasn't looking





Last  year of high school came

And I sat in my Religion class listening to the morning announcements



There had been a terrible car accident on the road

Everyone in the vehicle died




I can't remember now if Matt was the passenger or driver

All I understood was that the popular and cute kid I had in my grade 9 French class had passed away



I felt sad. Sure.

But it would take years,

for the gravity of the situation to finally sink in



The boy  who'd always stand at the front door, welcoming me to French class

and call me beautiful

was now dead

Smoke outside

Nice warm September evening

Just a reminder of a summer that passed

And the wanting to keep it

The memories remain

And pain me

Robbie looks into my eyes

And I can’t look away

On the bus ride home

To my left he sits in his car

But does not look over at me

He remains in my heart

While I remain on the bus

When I step through the door

Feeling far away from him

He becomes a memory

And as much as my heart loves him

My logic, or what remains

Tells me I love an illusion

A boy I loved kept the truth from me

Just so I could keep on smiling

His laughter contagious

His hands on my shoulders

And in my hair

And on my lighter

To light my fire

I studied his face, while I inhaled

He studied mine as I exhaled

I, trying not to show too much of what I felt

He, trying to make me show what I felt for him

Any minute now, I might break

The cigarette in his mouth

Becomes an hourglass

Almost at an end

He smokes it slowly to prolong the time

We know once it’s done

The reason for our outside meeting

Will no longer be legitimate

What was it then that I felt, and why?

Was it the certain way he touched a cigarette to his lips

Or how he kept it there deciding his next move?

I wanted to be that cigarette

He puts it out

It’s no longer burning

But I am, as I walk inside