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Craig Verlin Nov 2013
the writing and the women
tend to conflict
there is a solemnity
to the poetics
that the women don't
appear to understand
they curl their paws
under my door like
cats scratching to
get in
to get me out
to play
but all I want to
do is finish this novel
to enjoy a quiet evening
without having to
burden myself with
any other's emotions
how did Byron do it?
he played the game quite well
balancing the pen and the act
keeping smiles up for the vultures
till he could write all about them
behind closed doors
how did you do it?
didn't they just drag
on you like nails
on a chalkboard?
didn't they talk and talk
and feast on your attentions
like vultures to fresh ****?
I can't stand it
how did you do it, Lord?
so hard to resist
yet so hard to put up with
Lord Byron, I envy
your balancing act
Craig Verlin Aug 2013
there were old men
laying around the
pool
like cigarette butts
in an ashtray
burnt out and
diminishing as
their feet
dangle in the water
lapping up against
their knees
they talked about
the old war
the good war
back in a time when
there was war to
believe in
now what?

now they have their
feet in a pool
fat white skin
burning in the moonlight
while knobby knees
are canvas to varicose
veins and the occasional
scar

--oh this one from
surgery, this one
from a foxhole
dug out some
hillside near Salerno
sliced up the
side of my leg
nice and good, yessir,
killed the
**** guinea
though don't worry--

and they would hold
out their arms
to explain how
they held those old
standard issue springfield's
while arthritis shook
that imaginary
rifle to the point
of danger but
they never noticed
leaning in to stare down
the sights
aiming carefully at
some elusive
foe across the pool

they would laugh at
how much they hated those
guns
they would laugh at
the insanity of it all
how young they had been
how old they were now
how much had changed
and how much hadn't
their wives were all gone
left widowed or divorced
all it seemed they had
was Tunisia or
Italy or that French
beach early morning in
1944

the world is a battlefield
for old men
with no
weaponry but old
stories caked in dust
Craig Verlin Jan 2013
i poured a drink
and told my friend of the old maid
who used to come every other
monday to the
house where i grew up
and how beautiful
she was
and how i would clean my room
the night before she came
just to impress her
and she would come in
all those bright monday mornings
and she would smile
ask to vacuum
in her broken, thickly
accented english
and i would smile back
hoping that despite
her Portugese heritage
her broken english
and her son my age
that there was hope
for me

--he smiled at this
and we laughed
at the amazing
fantasies of
men and boys--

and i told him again
how beautiful she was
though i don't think he really
understood exactly
she came for years
until one bright
monday morning
after she smiled and
asked to vacuum
i returned to
find my wallet
emptied
and my laptop as
missing as she was

--i informed him
it was the first
and only time
a woman
had broken my heart--

for years after that woman
has plagued my thoughts
from time to time
wondering where
she could possibly be
alive or dead
and how many
more poor, starry
eyed nine year olds
she had broken
since me

me and my friend smiled
and poured up another
drink
this one's for you
my beautiful thief
Craig Verlin Sep 2014
War is necessary every
other decade or so.
In order to avoid the jails
from filling up
with murderers.
In order to keep them
killing others in holy justification.
War is necessary
every other decade or so,
more than ever.
Used to be, once
or twice a century would do.
The world is filling up with
murderers more and more,
these days. I believe it is
genetics.
Breeding of those
who win the wars
over those who die
losing them.

Most of you
don’t even know it
until that barrel points at you
and they are seeing red
in the heat of every wiring
they have been programmed
with. You don’t know what
they are doing, or what you
are doing, or what anyone
is doing, but it is quick,
so fast you barely remember,
and the blood clouds and
slinks lazily through your
callouses and simian crease
and drips unhurriedly
to the tile floor.

You are human
like the rest of us,
even him, there on
the ground in
front of you.
Craig Verlin Aug 2013
I watched her get
in the car
with another man
laughing at the noise
emerging through his
tongue and mouth
and teeth
while I cursed my
own tongue and
mouth
and teeth
for every
dreadful sound
they collaborated
and collided
to create
Craig Verlin Jan 2013
we really ****** up this time, huh
--a quick chuckle--
figure it's all worth it in the end
take another drink
smile
I wish I could've killed the *******
my **** eye hurts
then again
what would that have done?
all in fun. all in fun

people are dying
souls are starving
without anything to survive on
while I get old
and fat
figure it's not worth it in the end
what ever is?
die young, kid,
save yourself
lord knows its better to be a martyr
for a fool's cause
than a used up old conformist
spitting and ******* himself
atop a retirement fund

wish I could've killed that *******
but then no more options
no turning back
and that's never worth it
oh well

seems we really
****** up this time
people are dying
watching 'em struggle
and strangle
no more soul
no more soul
nothing left in the tank
and wish I could've
killed that *******
but he got the best of me
and there are
kids dying somewhere
and there are
souls starving somewhere
take me instead
wish it would've helped
then again
what would that have done?
left them to mourn another one
all in fun. all in fun.

Dieu ait pitié de mon âme
Craig Verlin Jan 2014
you feel so in love
until you realize
that everyone *****
and everyone smells
and you can't do it
it's not even the *******
that's the kicker
love is beautiful in
a vacuum
but in real life
it's an ugly terrible thing
filled with missteps and
half truths covered in
jealous accusations
I can't love you
it's so irrational
you're too beautiful
you flirt too much
you talk too much
hell you talk at all
I need the girl in the
glass case
the one tucked away in
the castle tower
where I can keep her safe
and can stay safe
from her
because
how can you love
something with the
power to ruin you
Craig Verlin Feb 2014
It's not meant to be sane.
It isn't meant to be calm,
or rational, or easy.
It's meant to burn.
It's meant to burst out of you
like that yell you can't contain,
like that levy splitting at the seams.
Your mind is the concrete;
holding back,
double checking.
Your mind is that safety net
keeping you from falling.
But it isn't meant to be sane,
or calm, or easy.
So fall. Go ahead,
let it burn you.
Let it tear you apart, let it
rip you to shreds.
Let it break you down
in the licking fires of
passion. Let it destroy you.
Let it engulf you in that flame.
Let it burn you,
so that from the ashes,
love may be free at last.
Because it's not meant to be sane.
It isn't meant to be calm, or easy,
or painless.

So go ahead, let it burn you.
Craig Verlin Aug 2013
It's got to be the woman
she's driving you crazy buddy
she's riding you right up
the wall
you gotta get out buddy
you gotta abandon that ship
she ain't worth it
you see those gray hairs?
they're growing in fast
all that stress
it's killing you
not to mention
your writing's been ****
since she came in your life
you know that?
people upstairs talking nonsense
as if you lost it
your touch
your mind
something's lost they say
everyone's talking about it buddy
she's gotta go
it's her or us
you know the consequences
don't you?
we need you in this
one hundred percent
what's it gonna be?
what's it gonna be buddy
you gonna let some
***** with nice legs
cute little pair of ****
ruin everything we built
together? huh?
no no
you know better than that
you'll get that **** together
won't you?
you've been writing ****
since she came around
they're all saying it buddy
you don't even come out anymore
she's got you locked away
like some circus animal
you're no circus animal buddy
are you?
you're a ******* hero
stop messing around
with this broad
stop letting her get you down
you're one of us
you've always been one of us
and you're gonna stay
one of us
but you've been writing ****
and we think you mighta
lost it

you ain't lost it
have you?
Craig Verlin Feb 2014
The articulation of her body
holds a dialect of grace
as it twists and turns in eager
pleasure.
The music courses over her
like a shower head and the
silence is overwhelming;
when I look into her eyes
all is quiet,
dimmed in timid respect,
to the beauty and the depth
hidden deep beneath the caramel.

Her laugh dims the lights
and stops the band as I realize
I am the benefactor of such
grace, born from the breast
of a woman to whom I walk
always slightly behind. Her eyes
meet mine and only mine and
there is something there on
that dance floor, something
divine in the touch
of a hand.

Now, retrospect has glazed these
memories, adding
a golden hue
to that beautiful skin,
and that silver dress,
draped from her like
garland from the body
of almighty Aphrodite.
And that was love,
that was love,
there on that dance floor;
love in my eyes and love in
my heart and love in
every step we took
swinging in the Sinatra breeze
with old men like tigers
waiting for a misstep
--here you are old men!
here is my mistake
look what I have done!--

And the articulation of her body
dips and curves in beautiful
cursive away from me,
as I lay in the same place,
seeing her waltz into the night,
but am further and further apart.
That was love there on that
dance floor,
and the old men watched,
in awe and agony, waiting.
--Old men look how your
patience has paid off! Look
how she dances away even now!-
But there was love on that
dance floor, so even as
your articulation turns
sweet movements
harsh and jagged,
even as you climb
above and away from me
with every breath,
you cannot deny me that.
Craig Verlin Aug 2013
they'll put up a statue for
the dead long buried
in graves gray as any other
under grass as green
as any other
they'll say some nice words
it will be nice
to hear

stop by once a year
to remember
bring a flower or two
wilted as any other
and the memories
fading fast as any other
maybe it'll help
bury the regret
next to them
under the time
under the
justifications and
military commendations
under the drink
six feet of everything
piling up

they'll put up a statue
it'll be nice to see
won't it?
yea I think it will be
real nice commemoration
consolation
real nice
they'll say some nice words
make sure everyone's a hero
it'll be nice to hear
but they're still as
dead
as any other
Craig Verlin Jun 2013
easy now easy now
take it slow
we've got a long road
no need to be so **** excited
its all coming together
all together
entiendes?
si si
you're a smart kid
eres inteligente, si
you'll catch on
sooner than I did
maybe not soon enough
you know?
what're you doing
hanging around
an old fool
like me huh?
can't teach you nothing
you don't already know
except how to eat a bullet
I don't want that and
neither do you
no, no, don't want to taste
that last supper
get outta here
why do you stick around?
you should have some broad
somewhere
ain't she gonna miss you?
she already does
I can feel it
I can feel it
get outta here
let a old man walk
in peace
before I'm in pieces
can't no king's horses
can't no king's men
put this old man
back together again
tienes hambre?
I'm hungry
how 'bout some breakfast
don't worry kid
I'll pay
don't want to go too far
rough night
you understand?
yeah. you understand
now get outta here
I'm tired and
I got a long long road and
it's all coming together
you understand?
do you?

paraíso me espera en el otro lado del camino
¿entiendes?
Craig Verlin Dec 2015
It was never as if you asked for it,
no, not really anyhow.
Sure, you wanted the attention,
perhaps a little love to
tide you over through the night.
Sure, sure, who doesn’t?
But not like this.
No one ever asked for this.

It is sitting next to a vulture,
you see them, you know them,
all dressed in skirts and high, high heels,
all of them in long legs,
all of them in soft smiles.
You can always find something
for them to have going good.
A nice laugh, eyes,
the way they hold their drink.
There’s always something,
a starting point to go off of.
From there it’s game over,
it’s the bottom of the ninth
and you’re striking out.
All they need to do is wait, circling,
sitting there, smiling with sharp teeth.

It is something simply not to
fall in love with every woman
you meet.

Often, we take care of the
death ourselves.
These women needn’t
get their hands *****.
Maimed and tortured
in the backs of bars,
bedrooms, telephone booths.
Beautiful little vultures,
do you see how they circle overhead?
winking, blowing kisses.

it was never as if you asked for it,
all of it part of a plan, an organized death;
carrion for the scavengers.
You think you have it good,
you smile along with it all.
Gripped deep into that flesh,
breaking bones, ventricles,
talons sinking into clutched skin.
And we just keep on smiling;
clueless, eager.
Craig Verlin Mar 2013
they do not relent
impossible to
catch a break
I cannot keep up
they sneak in
through windows and vents
observe every move
with eyes like birds of prey
they sneak in
hidden behind
smiles and short dresses
faking love in the shallow
hours of the morning
talons caress
the edges of my back
as the grip tightens
ripping through flesh
before departing
--full from such feast--
while I lay unnecessary and asleep

they are the vulture circling
waiting for the ****
they are the eagle
tearing out my liver
prometheus on the rock
day after day
they do not relent
they do not
relent
Craig Verlin Aug 2018
I saw you on the plane.
The small crook of your neck turned
outward and resting along the
shoulder-line of another man.
How many lives will it take to shake
your phantoms from my spine?

We made eye contact disembarking and,
awash with turbulent shadows of
an old unyielding guilt, I said nothing.
There is a regret that exists,
deeper and more exacting within the shells
of lives we shake off and carry behind us—
tin cans attached to the wedding car
we will never drive.
Craig Verlin Jun 2013
loveless *** is a
horrible thing

--not *** of passion
that's beautiful--
meet her
that night
play that game
and then share
in the reward
no,
that is artwork
there is love
in the art
of shared nonchalance

no, I'm talking
*** from that bad place
in your soul
from that bitterness
she thinks it's something
it's not
she wants you
and you want nothing
to do with it
but you're so
low
you're so beat
that everything
looks golden
it's a sorry thing
when love is
nowhere to be found
you make it
cheap and rough
in the backs
of cars
kitchen counters
quick relief
cause if it ain't that
it would be the noose
you **** just
to ****
just to put your ****
in anything
to feel something
thinking it must be better
than nothing

you're wrong
it's the worst
most cowardly of acts
running away
--and you know it
afterwards--
you're angry
you don't know why
lean out the
car door
or spit in the
kitchen sink
you're an ugly
*******
running
cause you
think you know better
running
cause you think you
can get away
a *******
sorry sucker you are
despicable
taking advantage of
everything you used
to cherish
just so you can try
and feel it again
it doesn't help
but you
can't help it
you're so low
you're so beat
so bruised
you can't help it

everything looks
like paradise
Craig Verlin May 2013
you wake up
one morning
just like
all the days before
and realize that
this bed is
the one you
will live in
the rest of your days
and realize that
this bed is
the one you
will die in
the day after that
Craig Verlin Dec 2015
You can follow
the path back
into the woods,
walking
over loose rocks
and balsam firs.
Fallen leaves, thick
with the night’s rain,
line the old
hunting path.
Keeping eyes on
the brush, you might
be lucky enough to
see hint of a deer,
hear the snap
of twigs
away in the dimness—
Not much today,
however.
Not much
but the rocks
and the rain
and the far
off lull of
rustling water
forever over
the riverbed.
Craig Verlin Jun 2013
Her knuckles are white
Clutched in agony
Against my thigh
The muscles in her arms
Contract and then
Expand
Over over over again
At a varied velocity
An unstable rhythm
Of quick short breaths
And exasperated ecstasy

Oh the savagery
I pull her over and mount
Eyes alight with adrenaline
A leg atop each shoulder
Depraved in the most
Lustrous of acts
Oh the savagery
She bites her lip as
Muttered obscenities
Float raggedly through
An instrumental
Accompaniment
Of muscle on muscle
****. ****. ****.

Shh
Don't ruin it

She is quite the specimen
All thighs and ***
A body meticulously
Toned by a lack
Of self confidence
From the view atop her
I almost feel pity
I almost feel sympathy
A hand grabs at my hair
Oh the savagery
She is gone
So far gone
It's a disgusting
Disease
This pleasure
Nails dig into my back
And she is mine
To abuse
I am her drug
And she is nothing
A helpless addict
She is mine to
Corrupt
Mine to destroy
She's begging
For it

In a pitiful display
Of heroism
And hedonism
I oblige her

Shh
Don't ruin it
Craig Verlin Jan 2013
money's gone
drunk as hell
woman's leaving
again
friends dead and gone
lovers lost
and lost
and lost
i write, but for what?
it brings no comfort
no coin
only cramped hands
and tired nights
writing is a fool's game
a cruel muse
a poison i continue to drink
and enjoy--
fool--
drink up
intoxication
grips my bones
and i don't know
how to get home
money's gone
drunk as hell
woman left
again
bottle's empty
again
a fool's game
no woman
drink
no money
drink
no more
the downward spiral
continues
Craig Verlin Jan 2013
cold night in palo fierro

they say the world is ending
and it's twenty past
at home on the east coast
but i'm tucked away on the pacific
taking a quick walk
down the street
afraid to stay in the cold
too long
too cold
while that clock keeps ticking
i see something in the brush
a cat perhaps
a coyote
lord death himself
but he's gone before
i will ever know
and the breath hangs
in front of my face
before it disappears
as well
and the brake lights
of some passing
nissan altima
disappear
and so it seems it
all disappears
the world is ending they say
hope it's by fire
could really use it
in this binding cold
out on the west coast
time tick ticking toward some
inevitability
always stepping forward
to meet us
whether tomorrow
or two million tomorrows
what does it matter
they say the world is ending
not with a bang but
with a whimper
not with a bang but
with a whimper
the devils sang while
the angels whispered
the bodies hang while
the souls flickered
not with a bang but
with a whimper

that end won't come
quick enough
Craig Verlin Sep 2013
some of them are
prettier than the others
and some hurt more than
the others
some of them
stick around too long
and others never
long enough
but they all leave
eventually
and when that door closes
I'm back here again
spitting poison
at an empty page
hoping my loneliness
will at least
get me rich
someday
Craig Verlin Jun 2016
The world spins in its own shadow.
Dusk settles across a landscape
that lifts its head forever
upward in prayer.

Existence echoes
along an ageless frame:
a bomb explodes; a child is born
to smiling strangers while an
old man gasps
back toward blackness,

a street light blinks red to green–
back again.

In small rooms, lovers
hurry to make what little
love there is left to make.
Craig Verlin Mar 2014
Perhaps I'm lying.
Perhaps I've been lying
this whole time.
Perhaps my apathy
manifests only as self defense;
as denial. How can one
understand the center of the
labyrinth from the outside? Or perhaps,
it is from the center of the maze that I stand,
unable to conceive of
the outside world. There is an
ambiguity in emotion
with lines blurring between
apathy and anger, between
love and hate. --as they seem
to come so terribly entwined--
So perhaps I am lying, not only
to you, but to myself, and in
consequence my soul is
stagnating and stalling out in an attempt
to break through toward the surface.
However, that's a chance I'm unsure if I can take
at this moment in time.
I don't think I mind it so much here,
stuck inside the labyrinth.
Craig Verlin May 2013
I met a guy the other day
told me he used to be a writer
said he was pretty **** god
but he burnt out
couldn't do it
anymore
it was too boring and pretentious
he said
told me he went to
law school and
married a girl
from money instead
bought a nice house in the suburbs
him and his new wife did
said he's been oh so
much happier now

I wanted to tell him
he was full of ****
that if you used
to be a writer
than you are still a writer
or you never were
--unfortunately
our curse is of the sort
that carries no vaccine--
it bursts from you
one way or another
from the day you enter
this earth till the day
you leave it
some take full advantage
some pretend
and some never even realize
but it's there
all the same

I wanted to tell this
sorry sucker
how I really felt about his
law degree
and his talk on
this and that
wanted to crack
him across the jaw
you ain't no writer
never have been
you're a ******* fake
took a lot of
restraint not to hit him
but instead I shook his hand
said congratulations
smiled
and complimented him
on his new mercedes
Craig Verlin May 2014
Not much like this high.
Your brain about fifteen seconds in
advance of your body. Staring around
at your friends. Blood dripping
from your nose. They don't tell
you about the nosebleeds. They don't
tell you about the burn that guts you out
right behind the eyes. The ache in
your chest as your lips curl and your
eyes roll back. Not much like this
high, boys and girls, not much.
Chopped and cut; a one way ticket
to El Dorado. Your spine breaks as you
attempt to stand. Your legs buckle. Time passes.
You're on the porch, knee deep in the pool,
******* it feels good. Time passes.
You can't eat. You can't drink. You can't blink
Not much like this high. It don't last long though.
Here comes the tide rolling in. Here comes
the Downs. Down down down. Killing yourself
is too much to pass up on these days. Too much
going on not to take a trip. Get up. Get away.
Haven't eaten in days, just crank. Chop up.
***** up. Line up. Inhale. Don't forget to breathe.
Saved a hundred dollar bill for the occasion.
Break it in. Go go go. Quick, before the
Downs come. Go go go. Screaming from
the inside out. What have we gotten
ourselves into? Vicious cycles and
bad habits that won't break.
Vicious war within ourselves; broken bones,
nosebleeds, and all of everything burnt out.
Our souls turn to ash as we lean in closer,
and laugh because we know we shouldn't.
Craig Verlin Dec 2013
trapped in old memories
and teases of a future
that exists only in
the deepest of sleep
trapped in the torture
of a poison that boils
in the blood
and sends shivers
down the length of
my spine
you lay on the bed
with unloving eyes
and unfeeling hands
even as they caress
my neck and down
my jawline
you plant your thumb
on my lower lip
and there is a flicker
of an old life
passing before my eyes
but you remove your hand
until the smoldering remnant
of a doused flame
is gone from the tip
of my tongue

it's sad how desperate we
all become
for a taste of
that poison
Craig Verlin Sep 2013
This is Icarus drowning:
wings once held up
now weight,
burdened toward
the bottom of the sea.
A father stands
alone
on destined shores,
words of warning
having left lips
now echoed empty
against the current.
And the sun
is evil only in apathy
if not in deed
smiling still
upon us all.

This is Icarus drowning:
hopes once held up
now weight,
burdened downward
toward that eager end.
Daedalus stands alone
at a funeral,
silent on distant shores,
with only the
current's whisper
as a eulogy.

The sorrow
of a world
is none to a father
lost of a son.
Craig Verlin Mar 2013
you were still asleep
when I opened my eyes
light, rhythmic breathing
streaks of light showering
your sleeping face
amazing the tricks
sunlight can play in the early morning
you were beautiful there
and beautiful everywhere
and I wish I could have saved
this moment
for a day with no sunlight
or for when that inevitable axe
creeps toward my neck
let me live this moment
forever
your eyes flutter
glance at me
smile softly
and the whole world melts
you place your fingers lightly
between mine
and I shiver
with the morning sun
as it burns brighter in its
celestial bulb
in this moment
everything is ok
Craig Verlin Jan 2013
late night
in the dead of summer
alone
with my sisters cat
she has gone
to California
big hopes
and bigger dreams
but left the cat
for me
and mother is gone
and father is sick
or crazy
or both
and the women
i love
or used to love
or never did
but should have
are gone
and that is hardest
for lonely nights
in the dead of summer
are best
cured with a cold drink
and a colder woman
all gone
and i am alone with
the cat
who jumps at every
sound
every shadow
i try to write
and hope to ease the loneliness
or the boredom
or the madness
stretching and shaping
within
but the words leave me
like everything else
and my thoughts are empty
as my glass on the stand
which falls and
clatters as i reach for
a drink
now even the cat
has gone
Craig Verlin Dec 2013
you break and slither
out onto the antiseptic
tile floor
bathing in the
residue of the
the hundreds of billions
that came before you
you **** and spit on
your mother's ****
till you're unhappy
in an underpaying career
with an unloving wife
under your pastor
at 3 am
this is what you've been
programmed for
this is what you get
a world full of
unholy *******
clammering for salvation
with each ******
into your woman's ******
you slipped out a month too soon
they always tell you
--oh, you were just so excited
to meet us! and we were so happy
to have you, my dear--
broke free of the *******
that gave you life
into the ones that
take it away
call it a **** miscarriage
we're all miscarriages
one day or another
some just suffer
and **** a little
more than others
and you want that month back
more than anything
while the reverend is pumping
the holy spirit into the mother
of your nobody children
and this is where we are
this is what we come to
slithering on the tile floor
in the wastes of everyone
else and everyone after
playing patty cake
with the other corpses
till you're home early from work
walking into the guest bedroom
shotgun in hand, just to
split two shells between yourself
and the holy ghost
Craig Verlin Aug 2014
So very many people speak
that so very little is ever said.
Words pour in from all around,
surrounding, inundating
those who dare listen.

The little overheard
through the din
is oft rathered to have
gone unheard after all.
It is so very unfortunate.
Here, my addition to it.
Craig Verlin Feb 2016
The snow stopped.
Thin veins of white lay
in the cracks of pavement,
melting.
The smoke moved out of chimneys,
drifted lazily and without direction
a few seconds before it
faded senselessly into
invisibility.
The sun will not show his face today.
Thick gray blurs the line
between sky and stone;
concrete and cloud sift
through each other noiselessly.
The flag falls stale against the pole.
Ants litter the cold ground
on two legs, stagnant,
opening doors, talking,
gesticulating without urgency.
Brown and gray paint landscape
impressionist against the
thick glass of the window;
everything blurred, everything
intangible, graceless, sluggish.
The world is a cold, dead place
from twenty stories up.
Craig Verlin Nov 2015
You cannot cheat death;
splitting up most of these
little ripples and movements
into a terrible uselessness.
You cannot cheat death;
slipping endlessly through
the cracks towards you.
You cannot cheat death;
but sometimes you can beat it
in the cold, stone-gray mornings,
struggling down pavements
to the corner cafe,
all just to have a seat
and just to have a smoke;
looking across the plaza
at all the young little girls
tucked into their colorful scarves,
their big coats swallowing them,
hair blowing in the wind and
faces red from the cold
and those little fur boots...

They can’t be a day over twenty,
those girls, with all legs
and teeth and attitude,
everything pointing upward.
Youth is a wonder
once it is gone from you.

Is it not enough simply to exist?
Perhaps not. Perhaps the whole
scam of it is just too much
to truly ever be happy.
You understand existentialism,
deep down you accept it,
but you never really think about it,
can't ever truly let it get to you.

"Meaningless... Well then, what now?"
“Nothing," is the response,
"Nothing at all."

Nothing but the smoke,
trailing off in the early morning chill,
lifting up with the wind
up over the balconies, and
the coffee, and me and those
sweet young women layered up
in their wool hats and little gloves,
passing lazily by my table
without so much as a glance.
Craig Verlin May 2013
It seems only a matter of time
days slip into eternity
with no regard
capricious wisps of smoke
frequent this existence
for small seconds
ticks of the clock
as two hands pound
back towards
kingdom come
once again

it's a terrible madness

and I know that we
will go mad once again
with a renewed vigor
spells and sermons
will spill out from our lips
like tongues of flame
like sips of ambrosia
for the afflicted
babbled prophecies
muttered and murmered
in dead ends and
alley ways
discharged to the concrete
and ears that have gone
deaf long ago
I know that
we will go mad
I embrace it
the eyes will roll back
in ecstatic relief
as it
courses through us
down veins like electric
currents toward
some never-ending
hysteria
a beautiful dissonance
we wait for it
lust for it
pray for it

come, madness,
tear us apart
break us down
destroy all that is
so we might find
all that will become
Craig Verlin Nov 2017
I think I'd like to write something once
that isn't bent and weighed down
with sand.
See where it sits and pours,
over and upward and outward
away from me.
A career of sand.
The grains sit and fill-in
spaces between the keys,
eating up the page
and the words, and the years,
and the tips of callous fingers:
all of it sand.


Textures sift between hands,
a warm roughness beneath
un-blanketed backs.
Turn it over in the picture frame.
A memory that won’t part from
the foreground,
won’t erase itself from the
desert it mires in.

The shower-head of time
refusing to scour the hands,
backs, fingertips, a keyboard
against an empty page.
All of it sand–
lone and level,
far as the eye can see.
Craig Verlin Apr 2014
There is a beauty in this,
though it may be hard to see.
There is a beauty in this,
somewhere.
In some angle of light
refracted across
this shattered mirror reflection
of something that used to exists
but does no longer.
There is a beauty in this.
We laugh as we were,
smiling through a fog
of uncertainty.
The company is adequate,
the type where silence is
comfortable instead of awkward.
Perhaps we even cry, when warranted.
These moments of passion that blend
the colors and burst through
the frame. All else appears
to fade, if only you'd look
close enough. And I would not
mind a narrowing of the vision.
The bigger picture has
dulled in color and left me
numb to the detail. That is what this is,
a step closer toward the mirror, a look
closer at the brushstroke;
there is a beauty in this
if only you'd look close enough.
Craig Verlin Aug 2015
I drink in order to write
and, often times,
I write to be able to to drink
without the fallout
that surely would
accompany it
otherwise.

There is a madness,
an itch in the back of the throat,
hoarse from screaming,
broken now and caught
on the knowledge
that no one has heard,
let alone understood,
again and again and…
Craig Verlin Oct 2013
across from me
I see something
it is blurry
and sometimes
changes
but I want it
it is beautiful
I know
I feel it in
my bones
I used to know
what it was
but its definition
is lost on me now
however I know
I need it
it sends me shivers
that it's so close
but what is this
beautiful thing?
why is it here?
across from me
but never coming
any closer
then suddenly
there's
a finger across
my cheek
a thumb edging
the corner of my mouth
I think wiping away
a small dab of mustard

love exists
Craig Verlin Jan 2013
the couch isn't
as comfortable as
you remember
your eyes begin
the process of opening
but you force them shut
dare not
move a muscle for fear of
mental collapse
your head
on the anvil while
smith swings hammer
continuously
one
after
another
no rest for the weary
no rest
you lay there in the morning
is it even morning?
palms sweaty
sick as a dog
with nowhere to go
the bar closed too early and
seems it will never open
another drink
another drink
keep em coming jack
don't let this old dog down
its only the 12th and
I've got two weeks to die
two weeks
can't seem to pull
that trigger fast enough
Craig Verlin May 2013
I dream I'm back
out in the
dusty plains
of el paso
where the air
is crisp and sweet
nothing around
but that burnt
orange landscape
shimmering in
illusion from the
sun
the scalding heat
sending shivers
through
blackening skin
the air dry
as I light a
cigarette
feels like the
whole world might
catch on fire
and then it does
spreading out past the horizon
the whole world burning
burnt orange turns
to fire red and
eventually all is ash
and quiet
as it should be
the sun starts setting
a cool breeze
breaks through the
tawny plains
it's a peace you
couldn't understand
but it never lasts
I wake up
back in the north
I need out
I need out
you've suffocated me
long enough
Craig Verlin May 2013
that role you play
--sarcastic, apathetic,
confident--
I know it quite well
and you are
a fine
actress
no doubt
but I believe
it is more of an act
than you'd
like to let on
I see the turmoil
that simmers
underneath
don't think that I don't
I've played both
sides of this story
over and over and over
I know how it ends
and no matter how
I want to change it
it is the same
and eventually
I will go on to
play it again
on some other stage
so will you
just wish it wouldn't
come to that
why not cut
the film?
**** the act?

think about it

I know you'd rather not
but it isn't as hard as
you have come to believe
I'm not quite anyone else
you've been around
whether past or present
I think you know that too
if you'd let yourself
realize it
but an actress is
an actress
and you are
who you are
just wish it wouldn't
come to that
I can play my games
and you can play yours
with whoever and whenever
we want
--though you still have trouble with
that first rule I tried to teach you--
but doesn't that seem stale
to you?
hasn't that all been
acted out enough?

think about it

you laid there and read bukowski
with me for chrissake
you have no idea how
mind-blowing that was to me
even if it was still part
of the act
I thought you were insane
and I think I'm burnt out
with this whole acting
business
it's been years
don't feel like keeping
the games going
any longer

think about it

if not
the act continues
Craig Verlin May 2014
You burn with an incredible passion.
That stubborn pride, that brilliant
anger, all bursting underneath
a strained composure and your
need to be the tough one. It
flares out from your eyes,
those rebellious chocolate
pools reflecting every word
you choke down. I am awed by
the passion you hold, the fire
that drives your every move.
It is what allowed you to love so completely.
--A tactic I could
never seem to comprehend--
However, love and hate burn from
the same flame, and the hate that
now warms your chest is reminiscent
of the love it once was. I do not
blame you for it. I envy you the
opportunity to feel so fully. I envy you
the hatred that burns in your chest.
I envy the love that it once was.
There is no flame here.
No passion to burn. Only the
cold concrete of thought and the faint
memory of a warmth I could never hold.
Craig Verlin Jan 2013
the mesa is scalding
with summer morning heat
draped like a shawl
across the shoulders
of the hueco
I get up slowly
gingerly
careful of that mess
of a hostel floor
I couldn't live here
such a heat
dries out the bones
--and the soul
parched and cracking--
then the dust comes
through pores
and lungs
to fill the holes

grab a half
smoked cigar from
the ash
don't bother to step
outside
onto the caked,
blooded clay
simply
match flame to tobacco
and inhale
that starched, bitter
smoke
there's dirt on the floor
one room casita
pale green shades
pale green blanket
lemon wallpaper
around a one pane
window
where I can
sit and smoke
and type
watching nonchalantly
all the men
trying to break that
invisible line
across the Rio Grande
they move fast
and quietly
huddling their children
close on the small canoe
with one man at the oar
he only nods
as he rows toward the shore
he has seen many
and many more to come
before his arm can no
longer row
or perhaps his heart
will give way
what a sight
--glorious and true--
skin caked
like the clay
by the sun
the cigar is burnt out
I stomp it to ashes
across the tiled floor
I can't truly see them
that man in the canoe
and those he carries
but imagine
how green that grass
must seem
how green
amongst all
the clay and blood
must be a hell of a thing
to behold
whilst all I try to do
is get away
from it all
as fast and quietly
as possible
and so it seems
all there
is to do is
to keep rowing
Craig Verlin Jan 2013
I met you
Late one night
The bar was closing
Visions blurred
We sat on the curb
And I shared my cigarette
As we drank
And fell headfirst
Deeper down the rabbit
Hole
The street light flickered
And you told me
In your vibrant soprano
That life was paradise

I didn't know what you meant
And I laughed my way to the
Apartment I was occupying
To sleep amongst the masses
Forgot about you

You were sweet
And I never saw you again
Never understood
What you had said
I moved houses
Moved on
Thinking how
My life was hell

Until I wrote this
And remembered
Years have passed
And I'm sure you've
Moved on
Towards some
Greater paradise
But I'm still here
Trying to see what you saw
In between the lines
Of the living and the dead
Craig Verlin Oct 2014
There is a vague
sense of clarity in
the feeling that
one can be sad at the
passing of something
while simultaneously
sighing in relief
for the silence that
comes in it's absence.
Craig Verlin Oct 2013
its all just waiting to fall
it's a castle built on sand
waiting for high tide
it's all tipped toward the precipice
you sit in your chair
and you don't understand
how close the madness is
it looms in every temptation
places bets on every fight
pulls at you
drags you under
the girl is gone
the money is gone
not that it was ever here
but the madness looms
closer now closer now
let that tide wash you
into the sea
let it fall
it says
let it all come undone
she's gone she's gone
she's never coming back
think about it
all those other guys
think
their hands their breath
their teeth
she's never coming back
but I'm here, my friend
I'm here
you can't sleep
you're pulling out your hair
up every night
staring holes into
the plaster
but I'm here, my friend
consuming you
ripping open every atom
of your being
screaming
balling up in your fists
until one night you're
drunk and
you're crazed with
it all
and you'll be everything
you never wanted to be
standing alone in the room
spinning without movement
eyes wide and bleary
someone walks in
asks what's wrong
what will you say?
what will you do?

you deserve this
Craig Verlin Mar 2013
back on the railroad
caught between the current
and the cold
how is it ol' Cassady died?
they say he rode the tracks
all the way to Avalon
say it was exposure
that got him in the end
secobarbital and second hand smoke
waiting on a wet sunrise
that never came
counting railroad ties
half way to infinity
hell of a way to go
the hero of two generations
hell of a way to go
not with a bang
--as they say--
no one there to hear the whimper
4am ticket to shambhala

Hank gave up the grief
weeks before he died
crippled and old
poor *******
Bukowski could
hardly walk
down those hallways
to hell
maybe Hem did it best
Ti Jean died from that almighty
weight on his shoulders
unhappy with a dead liver
and a dead spirit. yes,
Hem did it best it seems
him and Hunter
--football season is over--
felt the world
slipping out
quick as it came
so they both put a
quick one to the brain

all of my old friends
are dead now
one way tickets to Shangri-La
I see them
they all walk the tracks
but they don't wait up
they don't wait up

light one for me
Hank
I'll be there soon enough
Craig Verlin Oct 2013
You find yourself alone at last
amongst the masses.
Out where the sunset sits
cross-legged in the sky,
staring downward through
the evening.
Such beautiful backdrop
for such ugly company,
all of it painted on canvas;
ochres, violets, varying
shades of autumn gray.
Find yourself bummed out
on the side of the curb,
sharing insults
with the passing traffic.
Even the devil has company,
but here you are alone,
sharing cigarettes and
cheap conversation with
the cement.

Night comes without urgency
and you are left in it;
bad breath and
a dense, colored
evening air that
burns the lungs
with coming winter.

The pub sign down the road
leans out from her window,
peering scornfully down
through her thick, iron grates.
Red and blue lights
blink disapproval against the pavement.
But maybe that rough pavement
can almost feel sweet
to the touch.
Maybe that rough pavement
can be soft; a woman's curve,
if you get it just right.
The old beer bottle
leans in and tells
you a terrible secret
before putting his cap
back on, strolling
off into that setting sun.
Skipping rocks
off an ocean of rubble
and asphalt
before they careen
into the grass.

Even the devil has company,
but sometimes it is
not so bad to be alone.
Craig Verlin Jan 2013
You've been walking
in the same space
at the same pace
for days it seems,
or is it years now?
It makes no difference–
too afraid to pinch
and perhaps wake up,
or even worse
realize there's nothing to
wake up from.
It does not feel like real life
so far from home, far
from the tangibles that
once played strict boundaries
on your existence.
Every step you take
the dream becomes the truth
and your old life
fades from reality toward
memory–
still hoping to wake
and be home again,
back in an old city,
an old time,
with old friends–
maybe a beach in Fiji
with Kristine Kochanski
laid out beside you.
Seems like thats
how things should be.
Seems like thats the
reality
you had in store,
not tucked away
under smokescreen skies,
alienated and alone.
New friends and
New places
that are beginning to lose
that New car smell.
Pinch me please.
Pinch me,
you are asking
harder, harder,
again, again–
"Once more,"
you're begging.
This can't be it
*******,
it can't be all
there is,
you'll wake up
you have to
one of these days.
Or is it years
now?
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