With any new space in life comes isolation
Coming out with quiet steps and low voices
Walking in circles to get used to the whimpering images
Of where you came from

Like wading in the ocean, you are lifted off your feet
and left bare when the waves pass
humbled in the reeling tides
washing footsteps away

In time we all run in circles,
remembering what it felt like
the first time you treaded there
hoping to not trip on the quick flurry of memories

how it unravels,
I have no
explanations

it’s drive lingers like cold wind
clouding judgment
grazing skin

it will never go as planned
but it is as entertaining
as it is indecisive

we started the way we ended
you were still dating someone
when you slept with me


I don’t know if anyone knew that
or would believe me
but I remember the afternoon before your birthday
and that white dress you still wear

I slept with another young, redheaded girl
I didn’t have a reason why
but I remember breaking up with you
the next evening
watching you cry,
I was ashamed, and ******


don’t act so adult, you might miss out
on being a fool like me
the yellow sign had crime written on it
and I let it go, trying to its memories

I have my mothers hands
Bony fingers, veins visible to the forearm
Circular scars around the elbow

I don’t feel right drinking, doing drugs
Mom always in my head,
Grey and black hair
Wrinkling slowly with red gums

I hold my girl close, the same silky bedsheets
spotted comforter I spent Saturday mornings in

I hold her tight when we ****
I don’t want her lap to leave mine

When she leaves in the morning I can’t help it
Laying naked with messy hair, alone
And my black hole thoughts run between my ears

I can hear them between walls
Voices telling me to give my life to something else

staying here where the roots grow
or parting when the leaves blow

She gives me everything
A bed to sleep in

I’m only human,
I want to own you, make you property
I can’t help it

Our lives are parallel
But the gap is quickly narrowing

I stick her like a needle,
when I pull out I’m bounded

Pants tucked into boots,
rolling cigarettes on the front porch as storm clouds form
******* german shepherd,

I haven’t seen anyone happier yesterday morning
you're my brother,
talking up a revolution

we’ll leave this behind soon,
Chasing hopes for a different life
Or survive the collapse of this one

‘Do you think this plastic canteen is dissolving from the inside?’
‘I wouldn’t worry about it,
you know how lead killed the Romans?’

if I knew
another language
I would tell you everything


I hardly know this language,
but I feel you know what is meant
even if the words don't make sense

I want you to fall asleep,
dream of something that will stay
call you by your name and
love you more genuinely than I could


I hold you like no one else
(honestly) I can't remember
what anyone else felt like

every night this week
we've had a warm meal and beer
we all sleep under the roof
dogs walking from room to room
curled up on the couch

watching the ceiling,
chatter from my mouth
or the others
worrying about being taken away
going home again, or
back to the cancer cities of southern california

music blares, echoes through empty hallways and rooms
*** often but seldom heard
taking pipes in the backyard
tracking dirt and smoke in the house
paw prints on tile floors

milky white eyes pupils searching
every time I step over you
long frayed coat
big ears like the puppy
and the black one that greets me
after passing through back roads

I spent summers with you
when you used to sprint
before your hind legs started to drag
before your mouth and tongue
started to sag

you sleep all day, taking your pills
‘crotchety old lady’
who doesn’t die

you’re a memory now,
who eats six pills before dinner
you’re here so we can all look into your eyes
like crystal *****, foggier with each evening

I hope you’re dreaming when you pass
that you don’t take for granted the last few months

old shepherd,
so hard to let go

thought she was beautiful, speaks whatever comes to mind
months too young, dyed black hair
big blue eyes
her words sounded different
but I don't mind
I see her on a TV screen
she makes me go blind

in ear shot, passing by
you can hear warnings on
the street signs

death,
it stops breathing,
holding holding
until you’re no longer separate

it sprints through city streets
gracefully stretches out of hospital beds
folding blankets, fluffing pillows
waits next to us

death is fragile,
shatters on pavement
falls in cracks and
drifts and dries

how many of us have died walking
through a doorway
could so much be forgotten

a couple of incidences we shared,
both on my bed, near sunrise
feeling kind of high, tired
and hopeful

smooth skin,
a soft gaze, smirking
lying about your age

you matched me, in
recklessness and silence
a night long ceremony
where we fell asleep
together with a hollow passion

I won’t try to remember you,
or your natural hair color
I’ll think unprotected ***
and cheating on my (then) girlfriend

I’ve walked this sidewalk endlessly,
passing the Korean markets to see how
cold the rain gets, and how desperate
I am to get laid on my birthday

imagining if anyone I knew is out of town,
although most spiteful, hope to
see me sitting on the stairs in the rain
as they drive by in their expensive,
useless sedans

how desperate I am to get out of the heat,
I remember the frigid, cold nights spent
in one of our bedrooms,
“If this is California, why am I so cold?”

maybe I could find someone to keep around,
for longer than the preferred months,
each minute spent
with you
is a longer goodbye
“If this is your love, why are you so cold?”

At the end of my time,
I want to say
“I hope the next life,
is as beautiful as the last.”

I hope you’re doing okay,
but from what I’ve heard,
I don’t think you’ll ever do well.

I heard you were wasted, puking
on *** that was shoplifted
by your friend. Your ***** smelled like
oranges and everyone took you home drunk
to your mom like it was their fault.

Because I remember when you were just cutting yourself
to escape the trauma of your mom beating you
and living with runaways. Your friends raised you,
but they’ve gone to college, and you’re left
with drunk driving drug dealing boyfriends

A couple summers ago you called me when
you lost your virginity in the bed of your
obsession’s truck and you thought you
would be pregnant and drank yourself
to sleep because you thought it was decent
birth control, even though he came on your back

didn’t see you for a couple of years and thought we lost touch
because we were broken down and giving up
and I thought if you could just find a place that didn’t
party or abuse their girlfriends that you could find
a place to be where you wouldn’t feel so numb

Way too long ago I remember stories of your friends
running away to Canada, being kidnapped
or arrested, sent to the emergency room
like when you tried to **** yourself over some boy
or because you hated your mom
or you thought you were too fat

when you’re trying to forget yourself
drinking cheap alcohol and skinny dipping
I hope that you won’t have to last as long
because you aren’t meant to be ******,
intoxicated or depressed, when that’s
all you’ll ever do.

self righteous, self published
sought out and backlash
sick of  black and white
pictures of **** women
and being taboo

and the only thing left in the house that’s interesting to see
is the moon through the window

but you came along
smashing my head against a windshield,
and the moment of collision
a weightless jolt

voices echoing through the cracks in the asphalt
gas leaks making me light heading and I’m hearing
little melodies in light bass tones

a gust of wind down the hill blows cracked leaves
between my boots and I feel as if I
was falling from a tree myself.

And you hit me again
thrusting over and over
pulling my skin off
in a delirium, where
I numb my mind and try to read
the story of your wall before you open your eyes again
or I watch your chest, wondering how quickly
your heart must be beating and how
my legs are soaked
wreaking of *** for the rest of the afternoon
before wandering back to my bed

sleepwalking to the beach, with images,
rapids, sediment ashtrays covered
in squatters,
voyagers trying to stay the night without
freezing to death because the residents
across the boardwalk wouldn’t trust a
tattered traveler with only enough possessions
to fit on his back.

reveries, savages, vagrants,
in dreams follow me in the woods
syndicating ****** schemes
to keep me on edge

the moon plays these motion pictures
and I consume myself every night
before the sun light.

with every hour of sleep I lose
there was the memory to choose
and thought you’re awake inside those walls
since you regained consciousness that fall
to think she’s awake in the room
speechless and gone to soon
a tear to shed
in the air bed
for her children, who live with fear
of losing ourselves, like we did that year

The night you would come home in pain
moaning for tylenol and scolding the rain
and all those years seem to fade
I’d give tomorrow for that decent trade
and the current that pulls us away
my only hope is to hear you say
that you’re sorry you couldn’t stay
but what we had was yesterday

There’s no hellos, no appointments or promises
just tiny little flashes and the weight on neck
dreams of hookers stitched down the middle
no more songs to play or memories from last year
faces so valuable fade

and I saw you again, and I thought that the wait
was finally over,
but there’s all of you
who obsess over her
and only empathize
yell about nothing
for the sake of sound

as if you’ll make any difference
like one person could make you
whole, or free
(or any person)

sick, exhausted
excuses to not think
or explain
and addicted to
skin you think is worthy
or euphoria, supposedly valid
all to do is decide
and skim

and you know,
just by seeing

and I wake up again
*****, desperate
wishing you would
stop
playing and stop lying
to yourself
when I was eaten by the sidewalk
I cried for hours
and the scar is still there
from a decade and a half
of picking

like the garden
near the border
with the vineyard
impossible to reach

dropping grapes in the gutter
and being called for dinner
wasting away on the carpet
waiting for honey to come home
to get back from the other side
sitting there, once again
watching the sun and the shadows
of the tree

back then

no hellos, no reservations
no promises
just the flashes of the sun through
the old coast curtains

and there you were again
smiling to hold me
before I woke up

It rained at the 7/11
and I strolled to the gas station
the thin blur that passes into my vision
and smiles

Coins for the cigarettes
trying to see your ID

from 1:20 to 2:10
to that roof
rolling your ******* joint
and listening to the pigs drive by

we walked to the bus stop
then to the walgreens
we found water at the school

warming your hand
before you walked me home
faces drenched in the rain
wishing to get back sane

it spends the day/ eating away
tearing through dreams/ soft decay

and you can’t strike or cry
five years burned my eyes dry

“It’s like we’re looking at a grave.”
“We should bury something that was once alive.”

“You want to **** a bird?”
“On this medication, yes.”

Would anything change
if I left where you all stood
would you be doing less opiates
and making somewhat constructive conversation?

Would you go unpunished for my excuses
or anticipate someone yelling while you drove?
I can’t see why someone would miss
a savage like me

Bickering, or
*******, or
slutting, or
strangling

You’ll all rest in peace
(not death, you barbarians)
when I’m not having spasms
next to your sink

Could anyone contort your face
like I can when I tell you how
filthy or gorgeous you look?
(no.)

Is anyone going to replace this void
that I’ll create in this cell
the walls stained with old *****
the rug covered in excess hair

In my defense
I’m truly insane
it should be no wonder
that I live in such a cave

When I leave
you’ll be much more relieved
I do wonder, however
how quickly you’ll age

Or if I’m the one to age
whistling through deserts and forests
and tripping on sidewalks
or drowning in corporate fountains

I cry hopelessly that I’m not
a catalyst
because I don’t want to stay here
when everyone is through

The rain will wash out
your bloodstains on my clothes
I can’t stumble through a laundromat
without feeling like a derelict

Maybe I’ll take up smoking
and deal crank to minors
and abuse my dogs
and **** my wife (or husband)

Or I’ll become a banker
and pocket your money
to burn when I’m cold
or bury under expensive food

It’ll take ten more warehouses
and a thousand more people
to chain me to this
map of my adolescence

Leaving here I’ll lose my mind
between the branches and streams
and the abundance of towering behemoths
that grew only lifetimes ago

If you follow me
I swear I’ll
drop you
into a
hole

No amount of love
is going to get you
out of there
so start digging
you might find some
bodies down there
make sure they’re dead

I’ve never made love to thunder
because my ears would be ringing
and I once had an eating disorder
that required purging and binging

Stop throwing your
sympathy everywhere
I’m not growing any younger
I wish all of you would realize
that
no one gives a **** about
your shoes or your dreams

don’t blame me if you can’t crawl out the cave

There is mosquito
flying around in my cell
bleeding everywhere

The walls are dissolving
quite rapidly, I might add

Paradise is a light bulb
and moths know this

That smell is almost as entrancing
as it is disgusting
and the roar of the freeway
that never seems to leave

Hearing a lot of things
that just aren’t there
and I sat in my seat
and felt the building
fall to its side

Hallucinations
are skipping outward
from our dreams
and quickly into our waking life
surely they’re quite friendly

I was once chasing a man
that I knew never existed
and he could run from one closet in my mind
and into the opposite corner of my eye

He dropped his hat,
confused, bewildered
(more or less psychotic)
tripping over it,
my sanity
falling through the
hole in the ground

Right, running:
I was sprinting, actually
my arms are red from the
fences I climbed
barbwire tangled on my ***

Never run through the
wilderness bleeding from
the hands:
mosquitoes
sharks
hungry bears
(agitated potheads)

I chased the man
through the woods
and onto the street
of his apartment

Tackling him
on the
stairs
and burning a large candle
over his feet
so he wouldn’t move

Duct taping pills to his mouth
and trying to keep his face
from getting *****

Jogging from his
body
and to the new stand
quickly grabbing a magazine
I was going to capture him in

Unfortunately
he left his legs
on the
stairs
and crawled into his
room

So I lit his hat
on fire and prayed to gods
that I was now freed

Did anyone tell you
that you’re prettier
than the water between
the grooves of the asphalt
after it rains?

with traffic lights glowing
through those tiny lakes

I was standing in an empty pool
while everyone was smoking
and watching the tedious fate
of all the cigarette ashes
soon to be washed away
and murdered by chlorine

Watching smoke elude his light yellow teeth:

he shot dope a lot
dropped too much acid, too young
I’m glad I’m not him

At the end of a rainbow
lies a young girl squatting in a wash
she’ll wake up in a gutter
and harass tourists to the next town

Red hair, punk rock girl
“you are wonderful, can I
buy some ecstasy?”

Waiting for the snow to fall
so you’ll put on that plaid jacket
that I met you in
and I’ll take pictures of you walking
down a street

on the bus, on the way to the sacrifice
you put on your war paint
and I wear that nice shirt my father bought me

you were like a bat
a face with wings
that hovered over my head
while I smelt smoke
acrid smoke
barbarians in the gutter
roasting their enemies

Do you hear that?
The braves are stomping over the embers
metal walls and rocky head collisions
and the promise of sleepless nights out

blazing stars
shot down by the clueless wishing
of the blessed infants and deadly lullabies
plastic bags choke on the cardinal’s throat

Let me stand in the fire pit again
my shoes smelled like smoke and
burnt plastic
for only a week

There are split seconds
of snakes and swines
fighting inside my pupils
waiting for five dollar bills
to show them the light

On the bus ride home
I wait a few minutes
before the last stop
and try to get the spit out
of my throat
so I don’t look
like a fool
(like I do every other day of the week)

older than I look
you don’t think I know beauty?
you don’t even know

how many hours
spent alone contemplating
dead flowers I kept

I watch the sun sleep
and the clouds bleed dull colors
before I lay down

you say you have one
but the young girls you see now
were always mothers

they don’t need children
or irresponsible pasts
to smile to your face

I touched a white rose
walking home today, covered
in rain from the clouds

water was falling
from my bitten fingernails
and fell to concrete

sometimes it hurts to
show you how happy I am
honestly, don’t look

eyes are receding
and faster than you can see
deep into my skull

I pretend that the
light storm blowing me away
isn’t a window

that the saliva
are waves crashing over the
cove and onto sheets

I almost feel bad
for what I’m about to do
and stepping on you

But me and her know
that we light the fuse here, soon
and unexpected

To celebrate she
will take off her clothes and close
her eyes to white fur

To watch you all wash
away like sand on shorelines
farewell, fair weathered

I don’t think you’ll know
how hard it is right now
to get these messages
from your hands

In your sterilized
clear and white cave
with machines strung to your arms
like stalactites

Tubes slowly dripping water
into plastic veins
protruding
invading and penetrating
with hypodermic needles

The bruises are as pretty
as you say
they are
a palette of
clotted blood and holes

You shouldn’t think about
the constant beeping of
the life machines
or the intrusions of nurses

I’d bring paint to
decorate your
paper gown
and I would like to read
to you
because those words
are blocked
in your confused and delirious
and ill and unfortunate mind

It’s difficult to watch
just last week we were
lying on my bed
with the fan blowing

We were falling away
or maybe it was just me
You didn’t talk as much
maybe that was because
my hands were around
your neck

Part of you is dying
it’s going to stay with you
in that ugly cave
in that ******* hospital
like a rope around your throat
and you just can’t seem to
untie that ******* noose

Youth was masturbated away
to cheap candy and commercials
and their time ended quickly

Bicycles and pavement
and the unpredictable spills
scabs and limps
and flesh on the track

Children fought like their ancestors
throwing fists and sticks
and crying when
they lost
their virginity to pain

Bee stings and bright shoes
and slamming doors behind
dropping food on the floor
and never hesitating to
pick it up and eat it

Stomach aches
and bad dreams
it must be awful to be a child
to only remember anger

Cross legged and thumb wrestling
name calling and falling
and car rides home

Their eyes in the clouds
wishing they were grown up
and the parents look down
with a contradiction they’ve
thrown up

Yes, I will eat you:
but you don’t meat my requirements
like you would a person

No, I’m not that scary
once you get to know me, somewhat
the point is, you look delicious

And I’m going to have to consume you
every last little scrap of you
and I’ll put your face in a frame

I hope you don’t mind,
I chopped off your hands
they hold the silverware now

Your eyes would make lovely pendants
and your teeth would make great bracelets
your tears would glaze

Don’t worry, I’d be flattered
if someone ate me
like I will you

I am a monster
but I am very little
so it cancels out

I stand in front of a mirror. If anyone knows my face, it’s me. The grandeur of ego.

I’m bored with:
My prominent brow
My acne
My picket fence teeth
My collagen

My flaws
are like skyscrapers
No matter how high
I look
my biggest landmarks
scrape
the empty blue sky

I’m tired of
my face being wet
after I cry
I miss the drought

I miss being dry
with my humor
and my ambitions

I miss plain
white eyes
wide smiles
hair
music
not this wave of social indecency

I’m stranded
here on in this valley
it’s a massive grave
a hole I dug

no chains when I’m enslaved
just bad dreams
and flat tires

I black out locations
on road maps
to places I saw as a child
Miami and Key West don’t exist
Neither does Bumfuq, Egypt

If they do exist
it’s in another realm
where people see
through black ink

There we stood
once, at the edges
of the valley
“I’ll race you down.”
Oops.

Stop it.
Right now.
I’m tired of you.
Your problems.
Sincerely,
New Friend

I’m tired of
being insane
being depressed
being lonely

Sobriety
makes you all miserable
trying staying that way
your whole life

Hey look!
passive aggression
it’s tied to my big toe
it’s my anchor
to reality

It repuls[e]s me
to t[h]ink about
what you put
in you[r] ve[i]ns
when y[o]u had
absolutely [n]o
one to hold
you.

I’m falling
again
I brought
parachutes
and kit kat bars
you know
how it goes

Remember that day?
We had some animal
blood
we used it as ink
at the fast food place
on a $1 paper board
to protest your
departing.

Remember that day?
We had ******* ***
a lot of it
I tasted your blood
on your tongue
I almost
threw up

Remember when
I came to your house
and you recorded me
playing guitar badly
for your music

There was that time
where my ex was
following me
everywhere
You told me
she was an
EMOTIONAL
TERRORIST
you helped me
I admired that
Now we don’t talk

Remember that day
we listened to AFI
at the In-N-Out
drive thru
at midnight
I held your hand
in the back seat
while I threatened
a fat man eating a burger
That was exciting

Remember
when I first
kissed you
in the dark
of your
apartment?

I haven’t
seen you
in a week
and we
don’t call
each other
You’re
my best
friend
sometimes

And you
I didn’t forget
about my dearest
friend

Yes
I miss you
crazy
*******
thing
memory is

I’m going to sleep
I miss seeing the sky
at the early hours
it would be red
or purple
or anything
I want you to see it
with me
in the desert
before I leave

we’ll be friends

under the stars

as far as anyone else is concerned:

bye.

There is a shoreline,
It takes the people away
Only returns sand

Looking at pictures
from the other weekend
and we’re in it
and we look happy
and nice
and I’m glad we have those pictures

I’m sorry about your injury
it’s a **** shame
I miss you
so much
even though
we’re two feet
apart

These pictures mean a lot to me,

I’ll send them to you

Everyone says
the same goodbyes and hellos
as if one person is just a person
but the people I’ve met
are not just people

I miss your smile
it made me feel genuine

I’m comfortable in my own skin
not many people can say that
I like being under your skin
only I can say that

We lay naked on your bed
and I don’t remember what I said
I felt so welcome there

Your stays at home aren’t fun
and running away sounds nice
but frankly
we have no money
and a lot of responsibility

On my birthday
I wonder what you’ll get me
maybe that ******* belt
or a really nice note
maybe both

When I’m legal
I’ll climb up
the freeway
underpass
and sit on the
railing
watching the cars
drive by and by

People are falling from the sky, lately
in my dreams
abused half people
and psychopaths
tell me about nice dresses
and about the television

I’m sailing off the edge of this
godforsaken place

All I see is waves
and how I need them

I miss the ocean
and sunburns

I want you when
the sky is clouded

Cold weather, or
the woods

Pictures
they come out nicer
when you’re in
them
us
we’re
two of
a kind

and
th
at

i
t

migh
t

ju
s
t

fal
l

a
p
art

**** day. Couldn’t stay awake in class.
Saw psychiatrist, he’s doubling the dosage.
Getting sick again.
Depressed.
It switches between self loathing
and loss of hope.
I don’t have much time
before I fall asleep
these pills will
really take the ****
out of me
good.
I don’t need to ****
or run around
or yell
or feel anything
These pills numb me
a lot
and I’m trying really hard to feel
and sometimes I don’t want to wake up in the morning
but manic depressive or not, that feeling was always there.
I don’t know if I really love my mom anymore.
It doesn’t make sense.
I see her less than ten times a year.
Passions for other activities
or distant friends
are like pencil being erased
and it’s really
really not fun
but if I stop taking these pills
I will go back to my old self
the part of me that cried in the backroom
hour after hour
or the obsessive self
that chatters and spins
but never gets anything done
waking up takes hours now
I fell asleep in the shower
curled up in a ball in capsule
I didn’t need to bathe
just a place to rest
that’s all I need
a small, soft
and warm
nest
maybe I’m becoming a pill
and someone will swallow me
and I’ll be in the bloodstream
of another disorderly brain
I’ll swim before I am finally dissolved
the skin turns to dust and chemicals
so when my host looks at its veins
it’ll know that  there was someone else
that lived inside this body
and that someone else
is leaving

Last night
we were in love
for a few hours
and not the type of love
you cover with a ******

There we were
taking pictures of each other
and we breathed and stared

when I went to sleep last night
I didn’t feel sick anymore
not ****** up or ****** over

Something in these hours
comes out and it leaves
a welcome mat
on the inside of the door

Stairs didn’t feel like mountains
my headache didn’t feel like a time bomb
eyes were not sore, and limbs were not flimsy

My clumsy body tilts on an axis of shoplifting
knuckles pop like fire crackers
monkeys howled at the trees, not from them

I don’t displace my love anymore
because I don’t have anything to displace
like a potted plant falling off of an apartment balcony
the clay and dirt scatter everywhere,
as if
they’re all late for a meeting
a very, very important meeting

the flower will just sleep there
until someone steps on it
regardless,
the flower is still pretty as it ever was
like you

All I ever drink now is sugar water
and lately it feels like my teeth are falling out

Should I skip my pills?
If so, I will go crazy
I already was

If I seem angry
it’s because I miss you
and I have a tendency
to have to translate my
feelings in another way

I change where I don’t
need to
because I don’t
want to
change where it
matters

I don’t know
which part is which
do I not understand
the world
or does the world
not
understand me

I’m leaning on the
past
and I’m facing
the future
and it’s only when
I fall on my back
that I see the
present

so at some point
I have to decide
where I will go
and who I’ll
leave behind

I heard it
was only
good once
and the rest
was to stave off
the withdrawals

I see in your eyes
how many times they *******
or ****** you over

Everyone wants to feel
better about themselves
because they want to
feel better
not because anyone
else
does(n’t)

Thanks
for knowing what
it’s like
to wake up
wanting to die
I like holding
your hand

if I seem angry
it’s just because
my passion for
you
is somewhere
else

because now
I
burned out
and
I’m exhausted