**** day. Couldn’t stay awake in class.
Saw psychiatrist, he’s doubling the dosage.
Getting sick again.
Depressed.
It switches between self loathing
and loss of hope.
I don’t have much time
before I fall asleep
these pills will
really take the ****
out of me
good.
I don’t need to ****
or run around
or yell
or feel anything
These pills numb me
a lot
and I’m trying really hard to feel
and sometimes I don’t want to wake up in the morning
but manic depressive or not, that feeling was always there.
I don’t know if I really love my mom anymore.
It doesn’t make sense.
I see her less than ten times a year.
Passions for other activities
or distant friends
are like pencil being erased
and it’s really
really not fun
but if I stop taking these pills
I will go back to my old self
the part of me that cried in the backroom
hour after hour
or the obsessive self
that chatters and spins
but never gets anything done
waking up takes hours now
I fell asleep in the shower
curled up in a ball in capsule
I didn’t need to bathe
just a place to rest
that’s all I need
a small, soft
and warm
nest
maybe I’m becoming a pill
and someone will swallow me
and I’ll be in the bloodstream
of another disorderly brain
I’ll swim before I am finally dissolved
the skin turns to dust and chemicals
so when my host looks at its veins
it’ll know that  there was someone else
that lived inside this body
and that someone else
is leaving

Last night
we were in love
for a few hours
and not the type of love
you cover with a ******

There we were
taking pictures of each other
and we breathed and stared

when I went to sleep last night
I didn’t feel sick anymore
not ****** up or ****** over

Something in these hours
comes out and it leaves
a welcome mat
on the inside of the door

Stairs didn’t feel like mountains
my headache didn’t feel like a time bomb
eyes were not sore, and limbs were not flimsy

My clumsy body tilts on an axis of shoplifting
knuckles pop like fire crackers
monkeys howled at the trees, not from them

I don’t displace my love anymore
because I don’t have anything to displace
like a potted plant falling off of an apartment balcony
the clay and dirt scatter everywhere,
as if
they’re all late for a meeting
a very, very important meeting

the flower will just sleep there
until someone steps on it
regardless,
the flower is still pretty as it ever was
like you

All I ever drink now is sugar water
and lately it feels like my teeth are falling out

Should I skip my pills?
If so, I will go crazy
I already was

If I seem angry
it’s because I miss you
and I have a tendency
to have to translate my
feelings in another way

I change where I don’t
need to
because I don’t
want to
change where it
matters

I don’t know
which part is which
do I not understand
the world
or does the world
not
understand me

I’m leaning on the
past
and I’m facing
the future
and it’s only when
I fall on my back
that I see the
present

so at some point
I have to decide
where I will go
and who I’ll
leave behind

I heard it
was only
good once
and the rest
was to stave off
the withdrawals

I see in your eyes
how many times they *******
or ****** you over

Everyone wants to feel
better about themselves
because they want to
feel better
not because anyone
else
does(n’t)

Thanks
for knowing what
it’s like
to wake up
wanting to die
I like holding
your hand

if I seem angry
it’s just because
my passion for
you
is somewhere
else

because now
I
burned out
and
I’m exhausted