I hope you wake up
Lonely
With gray dawn and
Spiders
In your eyes

I hope you can’t
Sleep
And shadows dance
In the corners of
Your room and
Follow you
With my
Face

I hope you’re cold and
The cobwebs that
Hang inside your
Dreams brush against
Your cheeks and
Creep into your ears
Whispering my name
Until you beg them
To stop

I hope you try to run
Faster
Blindly stumbling
As ropes of
Memory wrap around your
Legs and drag you
Back to where
They once tangled
With mine

And I hope you wake up
Lonely

With a heart full
Of stones

“If you need water
Just ask”
But what I really
Need
Is pen and
Paper because
I’m bleeding
Words
Run faster
Than my mind
Can think
And your
Stone cold needle
****** find
No blood left
Inside my
Fingers
Clenched up
Holding on to
All that’s left of
Sanity
I never had

Tonight

Still you want
Blood?
Open up my mouth
And draw it
From my bitten
Tongue
Look inside my
Head and
Shout for the doctor
To come stitch my
Thoughts
Back together into
Someone who makes
Sense and
Sees light
At the end of

This tunnel

You offer Band-Aids
Trying to
Patch together these
Holes in my hands
And ask how
And who and when
“I guess you won’t
Do that again?”
Chuckling softer than
The ticks of the
Clock I’ve been
Watching
Counting down
All my words
Are slipping out
Of consciousness
I’m holding on
To grains of sand
Blowing away in
Winter wind
And
The mattress is
Soaked in the
Sweaty truth of
Words
You
Were too busy
To hear
To see
To ask

“Why?”

So bandage me
Up with your
Perfect prescribed smiles
Tsks and tuts and
“What would your
Mother think”s
And I’ll try to
Fit the pieces
Back together
By myself
With pencils
And napkins in
Your waiting room
While a cab comes
To carry me
Away

"Home"

Fall away into
Empty dreams of
Watercolors
Are lapping
At shores of
Could-have beens
Fall away from
Reality
This world turns
Slow beneath
My feet are
Dangling
Thrashing
Six feet off
The ground
My
Fingers grasping
At my
Throat
Fighting
These ropes of
Memory
Consumes
My mind
Is drowning
In you
Are
Suffocating me
With
All the love for you
I can't erase
While
I'm still
Here
Hanging from
Your last
Goodbye

You found
My heart
Beats faster
Beneath the weight
Of your body
On mine
Is all that
Keeps me
From flying
Away

Blood pulses
Through my
Veins beneath
Your skin
Soft
In
My mouth
Makes sounds
I’ve never
Heard before

Held breath
Anticipation
Curls in
My stomach
Can feel you
Pushing against
Me
Trying to
Push us
Together

“It’s okay”
Your lips
Are warm
Despite their lies
Because
You know
Tomorrow
We’ll still
Be falling
Apart

I prop myself up
On fun-sized candy bars
And *****….
(Well maybe not *****
Anymore
Since we both saw
What happened that night)
But I spend my
Days
Dreaming of
Your arms and
How it felt to
Be wanted

Because

I jumped headfirst
Off the diving board
Again
But this time
Instead of the sharp slap
Of angry water
I fell in slow motion
And had a chance
To see your eyes
And the smile of
Your sun-dried concrete
Before you
Broke my neck

So

I’ll revel in the
Silvery cellophane
Glint
Of discarded wrappers
And cheap plastic promises
And the slow drip
Of love
Running from my
Rusty-spout eyes and
I will dance inside
The hollow echo
Of words you said
But never meant

“Sorry”….
Such a pitiful
Word sounds so
Pathetic, why
Yes
I am
Alone
Every night
And always when
I turn around
Slow dancing in
A pool of memories
Wells up
Inside a soul
‘The heart of everything’
A song we used to sing
Along together
And now we sing alone
Apart; asunder
Still I’m so
Sorry
…
I could never be
What you wanted
…
Forgive me

Quips and quibbles of
A teenage heart
Drip drop dribbling
Through my chest as
Teardrops made of rain and
The screech of tires
And flashing city lights
Pour through my veins
Running writhing wriggling
From soul to stomach
Twisting turning
My mind is
Sick with
The feeling of
Nothing

Because
My heart is
Iron and ice and ire
Steel bars separate
Emotion from
The streets that lead to
Freedom and expression
Release
And Happiness rots
Alongside Rage
Molding and mildewed
In the deepening darkness
Where Rational and Reason
Locked them up
Long ago

But I?
I have no reason
To feel this way
My love-sick stomach is
Always fed
And university walls
Surround
My head is
Bewildered,
Brilliant headlight-beams
Blinding my
Aching eyes as
I stumble home
Twelve hours of
Class and work weigh
Heavy on my
Mind is hung-up
On him
Again

Still mostly
My life is
Fire and whiskey
And friends
That burn off the
Chill
And soften the scars
Except on these
Winter nights when
Alone in my room
Blood pounds cold
Through shrieking veins
White-water-whipping
Whirling and
Storming through my
Soul and I
Know

I am nineteen years old
But my teenage heart
Isn’t so hopeful
Or naïve
Anymore