I am consumed by your presence
the tap tap of a nibbled pencil
the long legs languidly sprawled
the silent sighs and scribbled sketches

And I envy your indifference

If only I, too, could master
the art of being aloof.

Grubby little hands
and sugar encrusted mouths
leaving chocolate hugs and kisses
on a white Hanes t-shirt
in a late summer sun

the man in the stained shirt laughs
telling stories until you laugh too, so hard
you roll in the grass with your brother
streaking your denim knees green

and you beg him to play with you
just one more game, please!
because he is the best at everything
as close as you can get to invincible

and when he picks you up at the end of the day
tickles you, herds you inside
you can smell the lawn mower grease
and the shellac from his shop
and the peppermint, always the peppermint,
from the gum that snaps! in his mouth

then before you know it
you’re sitting shotgun in his rusted pickup
the radio singing classic rock
like always

windows rolled down
hat perched back on his head
whistling through his teeth
like always

but you’re on a new road
and your boxes are packed in the back

and when he hugs you
you feel like the little girl
that you’re not anymore

and you’re not quite ready to say goodbye

"She's not you," he said
as if I didn't know
as if I wasn't aware at that moment
with every fiber of my being
as I sat shotgun in his Jeep
that she was everything I wasn't

"I thought I'd be able to forget you," he said
as if I'd forgotten him
as if I didn't remember every stolen glance
every accidental brush of our flesh
every moment I thought I'd imagined

"I'm so sorry. This isn't fair," he said
as if I thought it was
and I had to remind myself to breathe, breathe
to blink my eyes clear
as I watched raindrops hit the black windshield
trickle down the glass, washing it
clean

"I will always care about you," he said
and my will was not enough
to keep my heart from splitting
along the scars and stitches of its past.