What I want to do...
What I have to do...
What I should do...

Each can be approached from several angles- psychologically, politically, financially

The fault of man is thinking there is one answer that satisfies all three.

Stop apologizing.
It is not your fault.
You are not wrong.
You are not bad.
There is no wrong or bad.

What you do
In that moment
Was the perfect decision
To you.
It made sense.
To you.
You don’t need to validate.
You don’t need to explain.
Anything.
To you.

Stop fixing.
It is not yours to fix.
You are not the savior
You are not the handyman
The only solution is time.

When others act
Without consideration
Of their surroundings
Step back.
You could get hit.
Step back.
You cannot resolve for them
You cannot justify for them
Ever.
Step back.

Stop. Just stop.
Stop apologizing, stop validating, stop explaining, stop fixing, stop saving, stop handling, stop resolving, stop justifying.
Just stop.
And just simply be.

How can you tell when pasta is ready? You throw it at a wall and it sticks.

No one has stuck yet.

And a wall has plenty of other big responsibilities-it provides a safe haven, it holds photos of family and treasured moments, it can even surround an open, inviting door. It's main function is not to receive sticky pasta.

But it's always ready.
And sometimes, the pasta needs more time.

I get these headaches that start right behind the middle of my eyebrow, swoops down into my nose and then swings up and pings off my forehead.

They call them “sinus headaches.”

The word sinus in italian means canals. And when I think of that, I can’t help but think of little gondolas with Italian men singing to me as I look at the stars. It doesn’t make the headache go away but it really makes me wish I were in Italy.

It’s funny how when things get rough, we instantly gravitate towards escaping to foreign lands. A headache certainly isn’t the roughest it could be, that’s for sure.

But escape…that’s a double-edged sword. Escape isn’t what it promises. While the idea of sipping pina coladas poolside, or meditating in a forest far away may seem like perfect, what does that really resolve? It means that whatever made you leave is still waiting for a resolution. Even worse, it probably grew in size. Bills become bills plus interest and late fees. Arguments turn from “how dare you say that?” to “how dare you leave after saying that?” When you leave, you leave behind a mess with the assumption that others will take care of you, but instead, frustrations rise and you break ties.

Whenever I get sick or nauseous, I immediately start thinking of my own personal Nirvana. I visualize the image of myself in this beautiful place relaxing and breathing in that maple tree air and hearing the river waves around me.

That’s nice, right? And that’s ok. I think we’re all allowed our mental escapes once in awhile.

But actual physical escapes? Those hurt others. And no amount of river wave will fix that.

Oftentimes I find myself having these random bubble bursts of thoughts-I want to learn Sanskrit…..what? Where does that even come from? Or Hey! Learning to sew would be neat. Or you know, I could really benefit from reading the newspaper.

And the thing that I struggle to understand is that when I have thoughts like this, is this an attempt to discover more of me or is this me trying to force an idea onto myself that isn’t actually me, but what I think I would like to be...

Think about it. If you came out of the womb and you had a catalogue and could then choose carefully categorized qualities in yourself, what would you choose? Sometimes it feels like then it would be easier then having to try and discover it for yourself. And I could go on about how no, it’s great that we have to go through this struggle to find it and I’ve learned all these things from my journey, but unfortunately, that is not this poem.

No one actually knows who they are completely ever. That’s a neverending journey according to...well everyone. But why do we fight so hard to find it?

If someone paid me to try one new thing each day, I would take them up on that opportunity but if you think at the end of it all, I’d tell you what I learned about myself, then you can have your money back because I’m not interested.

Not every experience is a learning experience and not every adventure has to mean something. I like rock climbing. I like blueberries and strawberries and raspberries. I take long car rides just because I can, thank you Hybrid vehicles. But I am not a rock climber or a farm girl or a lover of cars. I know that I am a person who is going day to day doing things that I like to do. So I may pick up my ukulele this day and I may never pick it up again for another year, but I certainly won’t be selling it because of that. I own more books than I can account for and haven’t read more than 30% of them, but I hate having to take books to the used book store and I love buying more. And so what does that make me?

I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter, because that is not this poem.

I’m tired.
Worn out, really.
I’m tired of being the understanding one. The one that sees it all, hears it all, feels it all, but no it’s ok, I understand.
And I move on. But what I really want is to say
Hey! Rude is unattractive
And ignorance is just lazyness
And selfishness or dishonesty….not worth my time.
But no, it’s fine. I understand. I give second, third, fourth chances. I make excuses for those that should not be excused.
And I get burnt. Badly. Burnt out. Tired.
I’m tired.