It was this robotic effortlessness,
Getting on the plane
Landing in this place I will now call my homeland
I slept soundly on the flight
It did not feel so definite.
There would always be other planes
Planes that can rescue me and take me back
(Until I sign those papers to enlist,
then I cannot leave the country for the next three years)

But I tried not to think about that

Something took over my body
I methodically went through the motions for this first month here.
Visited the family, set up meetings,
then went to them
Though slowly it feels like this fear is creeping in
That feeling of no safety net
The clouds, the ideals,
and then there is this crash of the actual reality of this
But also this is exactly what I expected.
Slowly the robot is beginning to feel some feels
Slowly boys are starting to matter to me
Slowly my friends are starting to make me feel like I care about them
and I care when they don't invite me out.
Slowly it begins to hurt seeing my father on that hospital bed
Suddenly the missiles are no longer a distant threat,
but things that explode before your eyes.
Slowly emotions are beginning to show up again
(and most of these emotions are not happy ones)
So I'm scared
This robot has broken down
Now it's up to me to put back the pieces of a happy human.

And just like that
I am plunging head-first through the clouds
Headed straight for the wide open sea.
No parachute to cushion my landing,
No safety net underneath me
Nothing but my trust in the unforeseen future,
trust that this ocean will not just swallow me up
but also spit me out.

One day
I will be different.

One day
My legs will push faster

One day
The approval in myself
Will be greater than any superficial recognition

*Only those days feel so far away sometimes.

I can see right through you
I can look past
your cold skin,
brutal glares,
and excluding words.

and there is not much underneath
A little girl lost
In a world too mature for her.
Insecure,
Weak,
And Scared.

because you are not above me.*
Self-riotousness
can only
get you
so
far.

(I know that deep down, you actually do care)

I am small sometimes.
I hide behind my crossed arms.
I live in the spaces between my words.
I encase myself in this world that no one can penetrate
This world that revolves around me.
Because only then can I live large.