if i had no other talent
i would be content in knowing that
i am the best at missing you

i'm restless
four hours till breakfast
and i smell the last of the tonic
wasted on her breath
instead of her bloodstream
i watch my mind fly away
still stuck on this pipe dream
while a slow sad song plays
in the background of my memories
i'm weighed in with only make up
caked in the cracks and crevices
in spite of this and my spitefulness
i'm still a *****
and i'm restless
out of billions i'm just a dust speck
so i'll fall out of my clothes
to watch you disrobe
and break a sweat
the window to your soul is not your eyes
it's under your shirt sleeve
it's the lust
disguised in your bloodstream
and i'm screaming
there's no honor among thieves
you must be dreaming
i sit in this space and wait
while the butterflies congregate
into my heart
instead of my stomach
where they belong
the weightlessness long gone
i'm just another twenty-something fatality
fighting a war
armed with only my shaken sanity
and i'm restless

just because you don't hit me when you say it
doesn't mean you don't hit me
when you say it
you've gone so far overboard with it
now it's time for you to go
overboard with it

i've learned to love sweaters
my second skin
i'm not afraid to be seen in
the bruises are all gone
and the scars don't show through
clinging to me without
holding me back
i've learned to love sweaters
not just because of the weather

maybe i'm an acquired taste
maybe i'm like an artichoke cupcake
maybe you learn to like me
maybe you don't
maybe i try too hard
maybe i don't
maybe it's not me this time
maybe you only like cupcake
maybe you only like artichoke
maybe one day there will be someone
who likes both

i saw you picking out fruit
red apples, i recall.
my least favorite.
i glance up.
that sympathetic, useless smile
crosses your face
same as all the others,
good enough
to be picked up
but put back on the shelf
left
for someone else.

you made me fly
like a cool breeze through a pile of dead leaves

i listened to you with my lips
when i wish i had been deaf

i watched you with my fingertips
turns out i needed glasses anyway

these glasses on my face don't
show you who i am anymore than
the color of my hair
or the size jeans i wear
the tattoos on my body
or what i do for a hobby
these freckles on my face
or the size of my waist
one size does not fit all
let this be your wake up call

i'm not sure how to explain the way i love your fingernails
or lack there of
the way you tug at your shirt collars
and walk like you're tough
i could tell you how your hair reminds me of cotton candy
and how your lips taste just as sweet
they way you drink your water so annoyingly
and make fun of my "baby feet"
i adore the fact that you don't hold my past against me
and how you laugh at my absurdities
i like how you can't eat chocolate
because i eat enough for us both
and how i had to teach you to make scrambled eggs over the phone
i could list your analogies that make sense
but that would be zero
and i'm not sure if i dreamed you up
so i could call you my personal hero

this shower couldn't be any hotter
but there's some things you can't wash off
the feel of his eyes on your skin
the hope in your mind when you're still innocent,
these marks and scars will stay
until i'm skinny, old and gray
they do not make me who i am
just remind me of a price i was forced to pay,
surviving doesn't make me feel strong
no matter how tough
because there's some things you can't wash off
and the water is never hot enough

let's leave tonight
if i'm wrong, you're still my right.
let's give it a try
i'll stow away on your train of thought
i don't want to get off at the next stop
when someone better comes i'll save them a spot
i'd like to be here when your mind takes off
to watch it wander and never be caught
to keep the secrets of your heart

my insides are clawing, crawling, craving
quietly mesmerized, ravenously waiting
you chew your nails down to the quick
hungrily dazed, silently sick
ask me one time, just give me a moment
i'd rather sit here in my own torment
come once again, just don't block this view
i could never soak in enough of you
glancing around always wanting more
its not food i'm aching for

i didn’t deserve what you gave to me
maybe i did
you made me believe it
you told me so
you stole my innocence
cliche, i know
you took my time of childhood
  my youth
turned it into something to use and abuse
eight years later and i still can’t sleep right
terrified of the dark, scared to go out at night
i can’t be alone
i don’t even want to leave my own home
bruised flesh, ripping and tearing is something a twelve year old should never have known
three years later, how was i supposed to figure out something that i was never shown
i learned to use makeup before i hit puberty
to cover up the marks so my own parents couldn’t see
i never knew that it didn’t have to hurt
so what started out as a little quickly got worse
there was more after you
not one, but two
i finally lost my nerve to stand up and speak
after all the times you called me weak
i didn’t know what they wanted wasn’t me
just because i’m okay today doesn’t mean i’ll ever be free
what about the others? were there others? where are they today?
i’ll do anything just to know they’re okay
why was it me? by now i don’t even care
was it just because i was there?
where am i? i couldn’t remember over and over
for two years after i was hardly sober
i know i’m destroyed, damaged and lacking
one year more and i finally swore there would never be anymore attacking
when i get the feeling i’m inadequate
i still feel like i deserve to be hit
even now when the someone looks into my eyes
i move away and i try to hide
it wasn’t a learning experience
it didn’t teach me a lesson
these once bright eyes have lost all their brilliance
and this defective heart has started to deaden
by now i’ve come to realize there’s only today, there’s no going back
you’ve turned me into what i am, i won’t thank you for that
what you took from me i’ll never get back
you stole the only light this soul ever had

im ****** up.
maybe i'm just ******.
after you, i made myself believe i liked to be ******.
    i didn't.
  ****.

i should take off my eyes so i can finally see
what good did they ever do me?
i should take off my ears so i can finally hear
without them my world would be crystal clear
i should take off my hands so i can finally feel
what is like to be touched and know that it's real
i should take off my skin and take off my heart
remove the places you've been and get a new start

i am not a silk scarf on the wind
not a delicate flower to be tended
i am not a dancer
not bewitching eyes with this body
i cannot sing
i cannot cook
i am not an honest person
not able to hurt a soul
i am not confident
not able to walk in a room alone
i cannot stop thinking
i cannot bear to look
i am not all these things
i cannot hope for anyone else to see
but when you bring me doughnuts in the morning
i know that’s where i’m meant to be

the welt you left on my soul is worse than any you left on my body
tracing the marks on my forearm
i didn't realize dreams did so much harm

you make me feel like i could jump off the highest mountain
  and survive it.
just to let you push me off again
if this is what it feels like to be in love
then i hate it and i never want to let you go