I want to say
It surprises me.
That I’m shocked.
Blind-sided.
Utterly amazed.
But I can’t
Because I’m not.
I knew.
I knew
From the very beginning
That we would be short lived
Just like my confidence
In us.
The “us”
And “we”
That didn’t really exist.
A “summer romance”
Is what you called it.
We fell victim to
Unfortunate circumstances.
The idea was perfect.
The timing was anything but.
None of that’s important though.
All it is
Is the same old, same old.
Childish games.
Mindless flirting.
Half-hearted hugs
And wasted kisses.
Intricate and crucial
Moments in our lives
That we can never get back.
That years from now
We probably won’t even
Remember.
I will.
But I can’t describe
How doubtful I am
That you will.
No one else
Ever does.
I’m the only one
Stuck with ghosts
From my past
And stuck with skeletons
In my closet
And stuck with baggage
From my mind.
All things
I can’t seem to shake
Because of the moments
Similar to this one
And the people
Similar to you.
That’s why
Nothing ever surprises me.

On lonely nights
When thoughts of you
Dance throughout my mind
I wonder how often
I dance through yours.
I wonder if we met
For the first time
Right now
How would life unfold?
Would we spend
The next eleven months
Building our lives
Planning our futures
Wasting out time
On a foundation cracked
By your empty words
And careless lies?
Would you destroy everything
We had worked so hard for
With two simple sentences?
Only to give it
One more try
For two more months?
Would we then fade
From each others' lives?
Maybe we would grow.
Maybe the following year
Would be built
On solid foundation.
Maybe you would
Really love me
And our relationship
Would grow into marriage
And children
And grandchildren
And great grandchildren
And ashes
Intermingling with soil
And growing something beautiful
Like our love once would have.
Maybe I would break your heart.
Or maybe
We wouldn't know each other
At all.

I miss you.
I miss the way
You made me feel.
The things we did.
The conversations we had.
The consistency.
I miss it all.
You don’t.
You couldn’t possibly.
You have someone.
You have
The things we did.
The conversations we had.
The consistency.
You have everything
I miss.
Only with her.
And in a way
I hate you for that.
I hate that you
No longer care.
That we no longer talk.
That I was so easily
Replaced.
I will never recover
From the damage
You caused.
The fear is
Permanently instilled.
You couldn’t love me.
Not even after a year.
So who the hell could?

How many years
Will it take for me
To be free of you?
How much longer
Must I endure
The hollowness
You left behind?
The dull ache
That settled itself
Into my being?
The way smoke
Settles itself
Between tightly woven
Strands of cotton.
Will this never end?
Will the abhorrent fragrance
Of smoke-sullied clothing
Stay with my forever?
The way I wish
You had.

Come one, come all!
Let’s play a game.
The prize:
Her heart.
The challenge:
That wall.
You must break it down.
It’ll take strength
And wit.
It’ll take love
And kindness.
It’ll take honesty
And respect.
It’ll take hope
And hard work
And a little bit of reality.
But don’t be discouraged!
The prize is well worth
Any struggle
You may endure.
The girl, you see,
Is brilliant
And beautiful
And everything you could want.
But she’s behind that wall
And she built it strong
And sturdy.
It’ll take all you’ve got
To get to her.
But once you get to her
She’s all yours.
So come one, come all!
Take part in this game!
Break that barrier
And take your prize!
Show her the world
And teach her this fact:
That wall of hers,
It’s locking her in.
She’s missing out
On the beauty around.
Come one, come all!
Beat this game!
Help this poor girl
And give her everything
You have to offer.
Show her she’s not
The Freak Show
That she perceives.
Make her realize
She’s well worth the fight.
Come one, come all!
Let’s end this game.

Yesterday
I began to write
My story.
I grabbed a pencil
And drew the lines
That formed the words
To tell my tale.
A detailed history
From past to present.
Copied onto a sheet
Of the finest paper.
A paper so inspiring
By its emptiness.
Its perfectness.
Its crispness.
I wrote lightly
At first.
Terrified if I
Pressed too hard
The inspiration
Would be lost.
But the writing
Was too dull.
The faint markings
Needed to be darkened
And thickened.
So with each chapter
I added
I pressed the pencil
Harder
And harder
To the paper.
Making the words
Permanently etched.
My heart and soul
Were poured into those words
Through that pencil.
I’m going to write
Everyday
Until my story
Is done.
I only started yesterday
And the chapters
Are quickly adding up.
I have twenty-six
So far.
I wonder how many
I can add
Today.

Yet again you've stolen
Another night's rest
From my blurred eyes
And weary mind.
But what's one more night
Spent staring at a graveyard of stars
If it brings me closer to
You?
Closer to the one time in my life
I was truly
Happy.
I can rub the exhaustion
From the brown irises
You once called beautiful.
I can push through
The sheer desire
To do absolutely nothing
Long enough to make it
Through work.
And as soon as I get home
I can collapse on my bed
And stare at the wall
Or ceiling
For a few moments
Wishing it was
Your face instead
Before I close my eyes
And attempt to sleep.
But I know my body
And mind
Will suddenly be wired
With the alertness
And awakeness
Of loneliness
And longing.
Because I'm still too weak
To overcome you.

I started smoking again.
But only after work
In the late evenings
When I want to get out
Of my room.
Am I slipping?
I started drinking too.
But only on the weekends
Late at night into
Early mornings
With friends
When I want to forget
All about everything.
I’m not slipping.
I even started taking pills.
But only ones to help me sleep
On those nights when
I’m so, so tired
And don’t think I can survive
Another restless night.
I don’t want to slip.

The storms are raging.
Winds are gushing.
Rain is pouring.
Hail is pounding.
Thunder is booming.
Lightning is striking.
Tornados are touching.
Trees are falling.
Power is failing.
And none of this is drowning
My thoughts of you.
They’re still there.
I still hear them.
I can’t help but wonder if you’re okay.
I hope you are.
If storms like these
Have touched where you are.
I hope they haven’t.
I can’t help but wonder
If you think of me.
I hope you do.
Or if you’ve erased any trace of me
From your life completely.
I hope you haven’t.
I hope, I hope, I hope.
I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.
It’s something you gave me.
The only remnants
Of what we were
And who we used to be
To each other
And to the world.

Draw me in
And hold me close.
Feel my body
Shiver in your strong arms
And the spreading Goosebumps
Stand firm
Against your warm skin
As you try to shelter me
From the brisk night air.
Stare at the sky with me
And search its depths
For all the stars
We could possibly find.
Light a cigarette
And take long, steady drags
And inhale deeply
Allowing the tar to tickle your lungs
Before you exhale the poison
So the sharp, comforting smell
Of ashes and a Marlboro Red
Can engulf us.
Gaze down at me
With warm, dulcet eyes
And turn me around.
Brush the hair from my face
With your rough, callused hand
So our eyes can meet.
Rest one hand
Gently on my hip
While the other
Carefully holds my face
So your eager lips
Can be pressed against mine.
And when you’re done
Let me feel the moisture
Of a wisely placed peck
On the center of my forehead
In a subtle but sincere attempt
To prove your care for me
And my worth to you.
And when all is said and done
And you’re staring down at me
Hoping that maybe, just maybe
For once
This time you got through to me,
Wrap me in a god ****** hug
And swear you’ll never let go.
Cherish the feeling
Of being entangled in each other’s arms
And our bodies pressed together
As we desperately cling
To the only thing either of us has left.
Just hold me and hope
By some random inaccuracy of nature
Time suddenly stops.
And allows us to live these seconds
For minutes.
Hours.
Days.
Months.
Years.
Any amount of time
Longer than it really is.
Because, truth be told,
We’ll never experience a moment
More beautiful than that
In our entire lifetimes.

We fought
And battled
And held on so tightly.
We defied the odds
And proved them wrong;
Until you started slipping.
Your hands descended my arms
And mine ascended yours.
You held on so long
That your hands grew tired
From the burden of the weight.
You let go,
But I held on.
And there we were:
Dangling.
Your hands released,
But mine still clutched.
And before you fell
You latched back on
And we hung for a while more.
But again you started to slip
With little distance to travel
Before you let go once more.
I stared down at you
And loosened my grip.
You were tired.
And you didn’t want to fight for this.
Not anymore.
So I let go too.
And you fell,
And landed right on your feet,
And remained happy.
Now I’m just here:
Existing.
Slipping back into the depression
You once saved me from.
And I will remain here
Because I am unwanted
Unloved
And uncared for.
I am ugly
And stupid
And depressed.
If you aren’t willing to fight
And work
To be in a relationship
With me
Then no one will.
And alone
I will remain.

If I look happy here
It’s an act,
Sorry to disappoint,
I’m actually quite miserable.
Those are the words
You said to me.
So casual.
So calm.
So nonchalant.
As if it’s never
Been any different.
That makes me sad.
It makes me sad
To know that
You haven’t been happy
For a while.
It makes me sad
To think that
You lost your smile.
It makes me sad
To realize that
You feel exactly as I do.
Because I know
Just how terrible
It truly feels.
No one deserves
Those feelings.
Those feelings of
Anger.
Frustration.
Depression.
Loneliness.
Hatred.
Hatred for where you are.
Who you are.
All the things
That got you here.
I know those feelings
All too well.
And I hate that you
Or anyone
Has to feel them too.

Do me a favor:
Break me down.
Make me cry,
Watch me drown.

Hold me under,
Make me bleed.
Watch me suffer,
Make me scream.

There is no hope
For someone like me.
So go ahead:
Crush my dreams.

Crush my hope,
My aspirations.
There is no chance
For motivation.

Just end it all
And cause me pain.
Send this bullet
Through my brain.

You broke me.
Congratulations.
You won.
So take your victory bow.
These are the words I want to say.
But I won't.
I don't want you to know
You won.
I don't want you to know
I broke.
So as far as you know
This war is still raging.
Battles are still flaring.
I'm still strong.
But I'm not.
And the war has long
Been over.
And long ago
The battles lost
By me
And won
By you.
But you don't know that.
And I doubt you ever will.
You don't care enough
To know
Or to
Notice that
You broke me.
You won.

I lost you.
I'm not sure when
And I'm not sure how.
But I did.
I lost you.
You slipped right through.
My arms couldn't catch you.
My hands couldn't reach you.
And you fell
Into darkness.
Why did I lose you?
Why did you let go?
Why?
Tell me.
Tell me why!
But I know you won't.
Why would you?
Your silence torments me.
And I know
It brings a mangled smile
To your devilish face.
That devilish face I can't see.
But I long to.
Oh, do I long to see it.
But I don't think I ever will.
It's been so long
Since I have.
And I don't remember
Your notable features.
But I want to.
So desperately do I want to.
But I lost you.
And I don't think
I'll ever get you back.
I wish to.
More than anything I wish to.
To wrap you in my arms
And
To hold you in my hands
And
To see you with my eyes
And
To have you as mine
Once again
And
Forever.
But I lost you.
*I lost you.

I haven't eaten
In days
Nor have I slept
In nights.
I no longer know
The day
The month
The time.
The past week has been a blur
Of endless days
And sleepless nights
And countless thoughts
And oceans of tears.
For the rest of my life
I will be a slave
To emotions
Of every kind.
The anger
The sadness
The hurt
The confusion
The utter loss of words
Are all I'll have left
Of you.
Because you gave up,
You stopped fighting,
And you left me.
And you're never coming back.
You can't.
Our paths will never cross
Again.
Not until the day
They lay me in the ground
Next to you
Underneath
Your favorite tree
Where our initials are carved
With a circle around them
Because circles weren't supposed
To end.

Come on, now.
Pick yourself up.
Put on that show.
Pretend everything's all right.
You know it's not.
But do they need to?
No.
Fake your smile.
Hide your eyes.
Stay strong.
I know you feel like crying.
Don't.
I know you feel like breaking.
Don't.
That's what they want.
Can't you see?
But of course you can't.
Your vision's blurred
By those tears.
Those tears
That weren't supposed to fall
From your lifeless eyes.
But they did.
Now what?
You can't stop, can you?
I told you.
Don't.
But you didn't listen.
And now look where you are.
On the ground.
Crying.
On the gound.
Broken.
On the ground.
Defeated.
But that's not you.
So come on, now.
Pick yourself up.
Put on that show.
Pretend everything's all right.

You tried.
Really hard, you did.
And I'm sorry to say
It wasn't enough.
Your attempts
Failed.
Your words
Didn't reach me.
Your tears
Didn't affect me.
Your silence
Didn't break me.
It should have.
All of it should have.
And it almost did.
But it didn't.
That sickening hold
You once had
Is gone now.
You lost your grasp on me.
And I have to say
I'm happy now.
Happier
Than I ever have been.
I can smile now.
One of those stupid
Ear-to-ear,
Bear-all smiles.
And it's real.
Imagine that?
I am sad, however
That this happiness
Isn't because of you.
I wanted it to be.
But it's not.
I've found a way
To live with that.
Now you have to.

I needed you
And you weren’t there.
Why?
Where were you?
Am I not important enough?
Do the drugs really come first?
I always told myself
I would never
[Not once]
Put myself in situations
Similar to this one.
Yet here I am.
Stuck in a battle I know
I’ll lose.
I’ve never been
Important enough.
I’ve never been
First.
There was always
Something else.
School.
Work.
You name it.
It was before me.
I was always offered
The dim hope
“After I’m done with—”
School or work
[Take your pick]
“You’ll be number one
In my life.”
But when will I be
Number one
From the beginning?

Emptied bottles
And a bloodied floor
Are all that you left
With me.
No note
Nor explanation
For your sudden
Dissatisfaction
With life.
Just my unending thoughts
On the undesirable matter.
Thoughts that could be
Right
Or wrong.
Thoughts that don't mean
A **** thing to you
Or anyone.
They never did.
My words
That I tried so hard to tell you
And get through to you
Never once reached you.
And all of my attempts
Were such a waste
Of what little time
I now have
Because none of them
Mattered
To you
Or anyone
Just like these thoughts.
Because if they had mattered
At all to you
[Even the tiniest bit]
You'd still be here
And the floor would be
Clean
And the bottles
Put away
And the length of my life
Not sliced in half
Like it is now.
Because it's wholeness
Was taken
By you
When you hacked away
At your wrists and arms
And swallowed
Every pill
My lifespan
Faded
And was cut too.

I had a dream last night.
The first one in a while.
You were there
Holding my hand
Smiling that beautiful smile.
But it didn't last long.
You were taken from me.
My alarm rang
My eyes opened
And there had ended my dream.
I was overwhelmed by sadness.
You weren't next to me in bed.
My smile faded
My heart frowned
All I had were the thoughts in my head.
My mind was screaming.
The words were fast.
I hate myself.
I woke up.
You're in my past.
My mind is shattering.
Why did you leave?
Was it something I said?
Something I did?
I don't know what to believe.
So now all I have left
Are the dreams of you and me.
Whether they are peaceful
Or painful
That's really all I need.

That sadness in your eyes.
I see it.
It’s haunting you.
Looming in your forethoughts.
Tormenting any chances you have
Of happiness.
I tried to distract you.
To cheer you up.
I’d like to think it worked.
The sparkle
In those pretty hazel-green eyes
Seemed to return.
But that melancholy
Was just underneath.
I hope you’re okay.
I know it’s not my place
To ask what’s wrong.
But I do it out of concern
Because you’re my friend.
And I’d like to see
That smile of yours again.
I lost mine a long time ago
And it’s a hard thing to get back.
So please don’t lose your smile.
You’ll need it
To complement those beautiful eyes.

I never was sure of
Just what it was I wanted.
I had the friends.
The love.
The companionship.
Everything I needed
To be happy.
But I wasn’t.
It seemed as though
They didn’t care.
They eventually stopped calling.
Stopped wanting to talk.
Stopped visiting.
And even when I initiated
The conversations
The meetings
The calls
It didn’t matter.
The attempts were ignored.
And there I was:
Alone.
Again.
So I began my desperate search
For that thing everyone chases.
A so-called happiness
That would make this thing called life
Worth it.
But each failed attempt
Dimmed the hopes
Deep within me.
And here I am now:
Seventeen years of my life passed.
And still no purpose.
No direction.
No happiness.
So is this really worth it?
I don’t think it is.

And I just want someone
Who will be there for me.
Someone I can turn to
Someone who will be
Everything I ever needed
Everything to me.
Someone I can turn to
Someone who will see
The darker side I have to offer
And accept it lovingly.
Someone I can turn to
Someone who won’t flee.
Someone who can one day
Ask me on one knee
For my hand in marriage
And love forever free.

Someone who will take me
And show me off with pride.
Someone who is not ashamed.
Someone who won’t hide.
Someone who will always
Be there at my side.
Someone I can turn to
And to whom I can confide.
Someone who could show me
All the things outside.
Someone who could teach me
How to enjoy the ride.
Someone who would notice
All the times I cried.
And someone who would wait
Through all the time I bide.

Someone who would love me
And never turn away.
Someone who could finally
Be the one to stay.
Someone who could look at me
And with honesty say
That they really need me
Each and every day.
Someone who would want to
Help me pave the way
Towards a better future
And not lead me astray.
Someone who works hard
For every form of pay.
And someone who appreciates
The bed in which they lay.

Surely there is someone
Who fits this to a T.
But will that someone ever
Make their way to me?