The fans rattling again.
It's not the only thing shaking in the darkness.
But it's making such a loud racket.
I keep it on anyway.
I'm afraid the silence will **** me.
I fight sleep like it's tangible.
You're always waiting there.
Just past consciousness,
standing in the shadows.
It's always the same.
Your backs to me and it will stay that way.
We're standing in a light rain,
the sun just faded.
I know every second that's about to happen,
yet every time it's like a new cut, over and over.
I say all the same words.
I say all different ones.
It never matters.
This story has unfolded a thousand times.
But it's different every time.
Sometimes I chase you.
Sometimes I scream.
Sometimes I beg. And curse.
Sometimes it's you instead.
You won't look at me
because hope is a deadly thing to give.
You know I'll always tell myself its there.
We all see what we want.
Especially when we don't want what we see.
Back in the dream, it's coming.
The part that will sit in the bottom of my soul.
Gathering weight, gathering dust.
You're in front of me,
but you couldn't be further away.
I'm on my knees.
A promise on my lips.
A disaster in my heart.
You step away.
One step, two, four.
Someone has been hammering my chest.
I'm awake.
Stuttered whirs of a broken fan.
The long length of the night stretched out in front of me.
It's only been an hour.

It's fall again.
But suddenly it's spring.
I'm back there with you,
on one of those walks you always begged me to go on.
We're on a wooded trail and the light, well, you're beautiful.
You always are.
I can see it all still, feel it when I close my eyes.
I remember thinking that I don't know how I got there.
Not there as in the trail or the woods or the pretty little bridge we're crossing.
But there, with you.
It sounds cliche but, it's that thought that keeps nagging me.
That little thought that I'm lucky to be here with you.
I close my eyes again and the breeze is flowing through your hair.
We're just kids standing on that bridge.
Older kids, but kids nonetheless.
Thinking back now, we're practically different people now.
I just have this memories of two strangers in love.
The love is the thing that is still the same.
At the same time, it's changed too.
Through all the long nights and longer days.
Through all the text messages and long distance calls.
Through every fight and every laugh.
Every kiss.
There's been a lot of pain, but the growing kind.
Like the ones when you're little and learning to be big.
I can't say when the growing stopped and the learning began.
When we realized this thing, this lighting between us, was real.
Isn't it a funny thing that we fought a hundred hundred times,
yet, if you asked me to name a single cause of all of them...
But I remember this moment in the sun with you so perfectly.
Maybe it's because a boy started seeing a woman,
and maybe he knew he needed to be a man.
Maybe he knew he'd need to be.
I'm back in that moment because I'm scared.
I think you are too.
I'm scared of trying and I'm scared of failure.
Yet I know you still love me, even when
to this day, I still **** the little things up.
I feel like I've gone to war with you.
And against you.
I've bled with, for, and because of you.
I've been ashamed to reveal my truths,
and proud to show you a lie.
I've been broken at your feet,
and rebuilt with just your voice.
I've braved a thousand stormy seas with you,
some of my own commission.
I've done all these things, and I'll do more.
Even though we're so far from where we came,
and no where close to where we'll go,
Even though we aren't the people we were,
maybe not even the people we want to be,
Even though these memories will fade to dust,
and the dust will blow away...
I will always, always love you.

They told me.
Told me this is right.
I never thought to disagree.
Until we began falling from this lofty height.
I don't know how we got here.
Or where to go.
I can't tell you why my pulse is racing.
While my breathings slow.
I think this has been some sort of accident.
The kind you drive by really slow.
Never has the air between us been less passionate.
You smile, but all I see is the anger just below.
I've watched this love wax.
I don't think I can stand it to wane.
I try to hold harder the more this retracts.
Stuck in this whirring profoundness I can't explain.
I want to stop, but again and again it's all deja vu.
We are surrounded by moutains and molehills.
Perpetually waiting for the other to come through.
Held to some truth that constantly self fufills.
Yet, I just can't bring myself to leave us behind.
I cling, I fight, I pray, I hope, I wail.
because love is patient, love is kind...
They told me love will never fail.

Its the piercing silence...
that allows it to sink in.
The undeniable fact,
that I may never see you again.

If you could see me now,
I wonder what you'd say?
Would you smile so serene
or simply nod and turn away?

So easily love comes to me,
like the morning of a day.
Yet, so fast it fades away.
But, I know not how else to be.

Love is like sifting stones and sand.
Unable to keep whats important.
It all slips right through your hand.
Left only with the hardness of solitude.

If you could see me now,
I wonder what you'd feel.
Would you even sense the hole of it?
Would you believe that love is real?

Life starts so simple,
and sometimes, simply ends.
So never let silence stretch
past the point you can't make amends.

If you could see me now
would you love me as before?
Or would you say goodbye again
to leave me questioning what we were for?

The mind is willing
but, the heart is weak.
My ears are burning
just to hear you speak.

Yet, that is the way life must be.
Cause, effect, and up and down.
So hard it is to think and feel
when the world spins ceaselessly around.

So, if you could see me now,
would you recognize what I've become?
For good or bad,
Love changes all but some...

As I walk down this snow laden path
with the deep cold glued to the air,
the likes of which could never quite match you,
I listen to these memories of you that I don't remember.
Kind of like an old calendar, it was once useful.
Now its just full of old time and forgotten days.
But the mind is like that.
Its forced to remember and to know.
Its forced to feel old scars and seek new ones.
Forced to know you.
How you were mine,
but that's not quite right is it?
But the mind is like that.
Believing things it thinks it knows.
You are a cancer in remission.
They haven't quite cured love yet.
Even though its oh so much deadlier than hate.
The mind is like that.
Remembering things it shouldn't, wouldn't, and doesn't wish too.
It remembers all the same...

and the wind still whispers your name...