the girls I danced with
I never wrote songs about

the girls I kissed under bursts of fireworks
I never won carnival prizes for

the girls I entered the sheets with
I never made a deeper connection

the girls who gave me their best
I never understood their motives

and I wondered where they all went and
why we parted ways like cathedral doors
and why they took the hand of other monsters and vanished into the night.

I was too naive to notice
all the red flags waving behind me
and too dense to turn around
and open my eyes.

but now I face this dry vacancy
and I see they’re
intertwined with their domestics
constricted with their marriages
taunting their husbands
commanding their boyfriends
obsessed with their photo albums
cramming belief and guidance into their children

its the same unabridged story
told over and over
and over and over
again.

I too, sit with this adverse outcome:
this one wants me to quit drinking
and that one wants me on a diet
and this one wants me to get a better job
and that one wants me to exercise more.

I’ve never been one to rest on my laurels,
but as I lay down in this bed with this one
like so many buried cold beneath the Earth,
I can’t stop thinking of those angels from my past that have flown off into other heavens.

I was never deserving
of their time nor
their presence

and I am neither
here nor
there.

I lie.
I cry.
I scream until the walls shake,
until the dogs bark three streets over.
I make people mad.
I twist their love into knots,
leave them holding pieces of me
I’ll never get back.

It’s not that I want to—
God, I don’t want to.
I’m filled with love,
I swear I am.
I carry laughter in my chest
like a burning engine,
but somehow
it always comes out wrong.
Too hot,
too wild,
burning holes in everything
I touch.

I try to be better.
I try to hold steady,
but the ground shifts under me,
always has,
like I was born on some fault line
no one else can see.
One moment,
I’m standing tall,
telling jokes,
making them laugh,
feeling light—
like maybe,
just maybe,
this time I’ll get it right.

And then—
snap.
Something breaks,
some unseen wire in my head.
I **** it up again.
The lies spill out before I can stop them,
dumb little things
that don’t matter
but somehow
always do.
I don’t even know
what I’m lying for.
I just see the wreckage
and keep piling more onto it.

I see the way they look at me—
people I love,
people I want to hold onto—
and I can tell
they’re wondering
how much more
they can take
before they go mad too.
And still,
I keep going.
Keep tearing at the seams.
It’s not that I want to,
but what else
is there to do?

Maybe that’s life.
Maybe it wrecks us all,
drags us through its mess
until we’re raw
and ragged,
trying to find love
in the middle of it,
trying to laugh
so we don’t cry all the time.

I don’t want to make them sad.
I don’t want to be this way.
But somehow,
I always end up
standing in the ruins,
laughing through the tears,
wondering
how it got so ******
again.

I guess that’s life.
It destroys everyone,
slowly,
relentlessly,
until there’s nothing left
but the love you tried to give
and the madness
you couldn’t hide.
And maybe,
just maybe,
that’s enough
to keep going.

As the fingers of my soul ,

reach up to be entwined . . .
their thoughts surpassed ;
be driven . . . boundless to
the layers of my mind

I lay hold of the untouchables
I trial but cannot bind

The light flickers on and off
while spirits shout . . .

"It's time ! It's time ! It's time !"

There's a river that divides us
it's not one you can see
but it is undeniably there
you can try to wade through it
but you'd lose everything in the process

It's not really a choice we have
it is merely fate that decides
which side we land on
We can talk to each other
regardless of what side we're on
but we'll never fully understand

My hands are rough and scarred
and yours are soft and smooth
yet both of us know the pain
of being divided by something
we never got to choose

You ask if I might cross over to you
and I laugh but it's not funny
because I can't
to try would be a lie
to deny everything I am
is not something I can choose to do

Maybe some day
they'll let us build a bridge
so that maybe for once
we might really get a chance to understand

But for now I watch
as it seems like neither of us
can find happiness where we sit
but there aren't any stones
to build a bridge
so we wait
and hope maybe
you can still hear me
over the roar of the river

Stay with me here,
You have just died
…
Take a moment to acknowledge that
And think about it
Think about how it’s all over

You will never speak to a loved one
cry uncontrollably
Or throw up as your mother caresses your back

You will never compliment another stranger
Or have a silent panic attack

You will never get a bad grade
Or lose a friend
For you are now dead

Congratulations, you made it this far
Was what I thought
Crying and jumping outside in the rain of New Year’s Day
As if I would never step into my house again

I was not nearly as happy that I got an A on that essay
Or that I’d exercised that one day

I was the most happy that I survived that one bad day
that I felt sad
I felt overcome with rage
Or overwhelming happy

I was alive
That was life
And it was everything
While simultaneously being nothing

We live to die
But we live to live on

Just enjoy now
Or don’t

Be positive
Or don’t

Play the piano that is our life to the fullest and
Most beautiful song;
The one with black keys too
But they don’t feel right in their own, do they?


I can only remember though
I suppose
Because we are both dead right now
Busy looking from a different point of view

They say it’ll get better soon,
That someday I’ll feel ok again,
And I just need to wait it out.    
So I’ll believe them.
So if I die still in this hole of hurt
At least I’ll have died hoping
That there was a light at the end of
The tunnel.