Where did all my right words go?
All I'm left with now is cold,
a full head,
and a heart full of wondering
where I went wrong in the crazy world of life.

Why is my focus so blurred?
Why can I barely function?
Why did I let you change me,
destroy me, contort me into something I'm not?
These are the questions I ask myself daily...
But the biggest question of all is..
Why do I stay?

They don't like the real me.
If they saw my inner scares they'd like me even less.
So I'll pretend for them... Out comes the needle and the thread.
I pretend I'm something I'm not.
But pretending wears me down... wears me out.... Makes me sick...
And its harder to pretend... harder to put on a mask.
But pushing forward isn't so bad....
Knowing I'm closer to the end of my facade.
When I am mine and not theirs... never theirs again.
But until then... I'll pretend for them.

You remind me why I keep existing even in a cruel world like this.
You remind me why I wake up every morning.
You remind me that I'm beautiful, even when I can't look in the mirror.
You remind me that I don't have to hind my fears.
When at night, the darkness hits both figurative and real, I think of you.... and the pain is less.
My emotional distress, that causes me to struggle is easier to bear.
I'm afraid you will one day realize the worst about me.
You remind me that it's okay to be broken,
that NOW is only a token of forever
and that things get better.
Even though I cry so often you still love me...
Thank you for always reminding me, what it's like to love and be loved.

Maybe's feel my head,
letting me believe I am helpless.
But with a few painful moments that have passed me.
Even when I was shaking. My body betraying me like it does
with everyone once in awhile.
I ask myself if I can handle physical pain,
then can 't I certainly handle emotional?
For now I will allow myself to breathe
and enjoy the moments when there is no pain,
and all I feel is relief.
Sweet relief cloaks me and I will bask in it as long as I can.
The moments that is no pain.

Another day...
I need to calm down...
Lost again?
Harder to breath..
Wanting to leave again...
Deep breaths...
Please sooth me...
I need the dread to leave.

Am I what they say I am?
Am I what they think I am?
Am I what there looks of disproval appear to hold?
Why must they look at me like I'm not good enough?
Why must they treat me in the same manner?
My energy drains...
Is their disproval all in my head?
Maybe...
Maybe....
But until I know for sure....
I guess all I do be...
I guess all I can do...
Is be good enough for me.