You always told me to stay strong! You told me it's not manly to show I'm in pain, as a child I understood you were referring to the times where you brought me to the skatepark and told me that if I didn't drop in off the quarter pipe I was grounded and I fell, I fell, I fell, I fell I was covered in scrapes but I had to keep a straight face because IT WASNT MANLY TO SHOW MY PAIN. You were referring to the times that I'd get hit with the ball up at bat and I'd fall, youd scream from behind the fence "Get up and get to first base! Did I raise a son or a daughter!"
I'd get up and I'd walk... Then from behind I'd hear you, like you had a face on the back of my head like I was Professor Quirrell and you were He Who Shall Not Be Named "HUSSEL CONNOR FOR GOD SAKES HUSSEL" and I'd do it, I'd always do it because I thought it would change our rides home, the ones where you'd just ignore me until I tried to talk and then you'd just tell me what I did wrong, what I need to work on and that when I get home I better get my *** in the backyard and practice with my brothers. Instead of wasting my time on "Those ******* Video Games Connor!"
You told me it wasn't manly to show I'm in pain! I took it as its not okay to feel pain. So I ignored it, I ignored it until it grew to the size of you, to the shape of you, with your voice, your tattoos, your way of presenting yourself that made me feel so inferior. It grew to be you, to big to ignore it watched over my shoulder when I was with friends, it made me feel it before you did, like when
You reminded why I stayed in my room to avoid walking downstairs because I knew you'd have something to say, you always had something to say, that would ruin my day in a way you could never understand, it reminded me why I stayed in bed till 2pm, it reminded me why I play my games and drown out your voice when I play my music. You reminded me.
It was in a Sunday when I my 13 year old that I gained the courage after you told me to go to my room that I said, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! YOU DONT GET IT! YOU NEVER LET ME TALK!
!POW! Like a superhero comic book the sound echoed through my brain after you put me on the floor and it took me a moment to realize, you hit me, you laid your hand across my face the same one mom would, except you put too much force and it made my ears ring and my cheek sting. My hand rose to my cheek and you yelled PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN! And !POW! Again. Then you said "DONT YOU EVER TALK BACK TO ME AGAIN WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THIS IS MY HOUSE!"
I cried, you told me "Stop crying or I'll give you a reason to" but you didn't understand you never stopped giving me reasons to.
You told me "ITS NOT MANLY TO SHOW YOURE IN PAIN"
Explains why you was like a brick wall. You must have never felt pain.
Now I know I have, so can you tell me how I was strong enough to break through you

Some people drink, some people do heroine and some do crack, some hurt themselves, some use other coping mechanisms, some smoke cigarettes. I used to see no point in these things, I used to see no point in drowning your pain and fears in things to avoid your tears. I never understood why people try to forget the things that hurt them by doing things that hurt them?
Until you left, until you came back and asked me why I smoke. You asked me why I do something so stupid something that hurts my body. You asked why I smoke.
I couldn't tell you it was because of you, I couldn't tell you I smoke because I don't wanna face the fact that I... At one point... Saw no point in drowning pain in things that cause pain... I couldn't tell you I smoke to avoid the realization that at one point in time you made me feel so high I didn't need drugs, and now, you make me feel so low I need drugs just to feel normal.
Now you asked about the cigarettes, why I put the cancer stick between my lips and inhale it's desecrating fumes and ruin the lungs that used to breath you in. And I can't tell you again, it's because of you.
I can't tell you that the thought of you makes my hands shake like a beggars trying to hold onto his last dollar and the only thing that slows them down enough to grasp the present is that cancer stick.
I couldn't begin to explain the strange notion that I put the cigarette between my lips to muffle my voice so it doesn't sound the same as when it spoke through my heart to you.
That my clothes still reek of you and the only way to mask that once sweet aroma is to cake it nicotine, tar, jet fuel, arsenic, ammonia... I could keep going but I don't have the time to name the 4,000 chemicals I'm letting **** me, and yet keeping me from killer thoughts. My mind reels from ...THC and nicotine... I know it sounds obscene that I'd let you get to me to this degree and potency, but you don't understand the impact you had on me I fact I don't even think you took me seriously, but maybe that's why you took your leave.
You asked me why I smoke, but I didn't have the heart to tell you it was because of you.
You told me you don't love me anymore, you told me he was better than me and he didn't hold the disgusting habits I'm tied to. I couldn't tell you, when you break his heart like you did mine he'll hold them as close as I.
I couldn't tell you it's always because of you..