tomorrow
when I beg you not to break my heart
and you smile
and you smile and you look away

tomorrow
when sharpened steel creates rivers
(creates outlets)
for the blood in my veins

tomorrow
when the songbird forgets to sing
for all of a
millisecond

tomorrow
when the daisies wither
(willingly)
in the unforgiving frost

tomorrow
when the promise of homemade blueberry pie
brings out the salty tang of a forgotten home
(a forever hiding place)
in my eyes

tomorrow
is when
you can let me go.

(inhale.)
yesterday I passed a person on the street who looked like you
and I nearly broke down.

(don't breathe don't breathe don't look up)
today I saw you and you
and you
and you
had eyes filled with so much pain I didn't know where to go
I didn't know where to look.

(you're gonna be okay
don't look up)
there is a mess of broken things where my brain used to be
there is a sea of broken bottles in the place we used to be.

(I'm not here, this isn't happening)
everything is disjoint
everything is a blur.

(your mouth is moving but you're not making any sense.)
"I'm okay."
"I'm okay."
"I'm okay."
you turn to go.
(exhale.)

sometimes when I hold your hand I'm not sure whether I want to kiss you or strangle you.

people talk about heartbreak
like it is the most beautiful thing.

but there is nothing beautiful about the salty rivers that run down your cheeks at one in the morning when you hold their letters to your chest.
there is nothing beautiful about shaking and anger and breathlessness and an anxiety so deep you think it will consume you.
there is nothing beautiful about thousands of text messages carefully formulated and then deleted
or the sense of worthlessness that comes after.
there is nothing beautiful about choking on sobs or the metallic tang of blood in the air.

*there is nothing beautiful about a person who is so consumed in love for someone else
that they have forgotten who they are.

it is the saddest thing I know
a longing to be extraordinary
while being
**mind-numbingly
painfully
ordinary.

sometimes I wonder what it would be like to meet someone
who would kiss my scars and my nightmares away.
then I remember
that I have myself.

I am strong
and I do not need anyone to rescue me.

I want to write beautiful poetry but I'm not particularly good at it
I want to love you but I'm not particularly good at that either