you were my spring, summer, and fall
I was your winter
a winter so cold it sent shivers down your spine
and burned your skin
I destroyed the hope you had
and the faith you believed in
you tried to save me, you were the only good part of my life
and I was your only sin.
by loving you, I became your moon
by loving me, you became my sun
and together, we thrived.
when you were alone, you were faithful, happy, in love.
I, however, was not.
I was frightened by these feelings
so I tried to suppress them
with ****** and *****.
slowly but surely you realized my demons were back,
that I was slipping into the hole you had pulled me out of.
there is nothing I can say or do to make amends
because I cannot promise to give you all of me.
by loving you,
I destroyed you.

it's 4 a.m. and I'm alone again
I was too drunk to go home so I crashed at a friends
that's how things go in a life filled with sin
just long nights of anxiety that never really end

it's 4:06 and I'm out of cigarettes
the bottle is empty and I start to forget
all about the secrets and Saturdays regret
my demons are killing me but they tell me not to fret

it's 4:14 and my eyes are low
how much more could my pain grow?
memories fall down like piles of snow
onto my head while I turn off the show

the room goes quiet and my vision goes bad
I say that I'm fine whenever you ask
it's hard to remember my last sincere laugh
I'm ready to leave and never come back

it's 5 a.m. and I'm passed out alone

cold winter rain brings pain to my numb body
for pain brings warmth and warmth brings life
there is no life without pain
there is no life without suffering
for without these we cannot experience joy
all these feelings are temporary
as if life
so if we cannot fully embrace these feelings
we cannot fully experience life
give up your tailored shoes for homemade moccasins
give up your malls for goodwills
burn down your offices
and ignite your bonfires
ignore warnings and use what brings you happiness
for legal and illegal are all societal views
what nature gives us should be available for the masses
it should be the key to unlock the gates of imagination
I do not believe in meditation
because it separates the mind from the body
these two go hand in hand
without one, we can't enjoy the other
*** is the purest form of pleasure
so why should it be subdued?
we came into this world naked and free
why should this stop after we leave the womb?
these are all just thoughts
ideas and dreams
but can they not be considered?
I hope not for my name to be remembered
I hope not for eternal life
I only hope my stories can tell the stories
of a thousand others
a thousand other broken kids who have given up hope on society
but not on the world
for the world is nature
and it is the only form of joy our race hasn't put a price tag on
our race isn't white
our race isn't black
or anything in between
it is only human
as are we.

I have no human desire to grow old
for the older the body grows the mind begins to realize the madness of the world we inhabit
it begins to recognize that the government we put our trust into
and have five year olds pledge their allegiance away to
is nothing more than a monster we created
it is a machine that brings about war
and brags of it's charity
when the only donations it gives
is more mothers with dead sons
and daughters with lost fathers.
it begins to understand that while the body is young it is infinite
indestructible and can push all boundaries
it is still free as the mind is
before it is corrupted by late night television and dictator industries
the only way to keep this freedom is to resist rebel and revolt
to burn the books of education
and praise the books our governing bodies ban from our reading
why ban literature? because it has the ability to allow society to realize what Allen jack and Neal all realized
that our lives are under our control and should not be imprisoned by authority that does not know not understand us

I can hear the devil calling my name
he's begging me to come back home
I found him sitting in a crowded bar
and asked why he was drinking alone

i found peace under western stars
and I found rest
in a beat up car
we're waking up in apartments
next to people we barely know

the bottle is there for comfort
it's the only thing keeping me sane
on top of a mountain I'm smiling
as my skin is covered by rain

your body lays next to me.
you sleep while I wrestle with
my anxiety.
there's some nights where I'm afraid to sleep
for the fear you won't be there when I wake up.

our parents built this house with strength and faith
I tore it down with sin and *****
but just like everything else in my life
I will leave it behind.

I only know the open road
where the sun burns my skin
and the buzzards wait for me to fall.
I hold out a thumb
in hope for a ride
but humans just aren't human anymore.

I was beaten down and scarred
by the railroad guards and my lover.
the woman I said I'd die for
how true that statement is.
her gypsie eyes pulled me in
and never let me go.
she was all I had to live for,
her and the bottle.

a preacher once asked me,
why do you live like this?
I replied with a sigh,
shook my head and replied,
"it's all I've ever known."

"I'm in love with what kills me
and what drives me insane.
but if I didn't have those vices
I'd be just another grave."

bury me at sea
I don't deserve a funeral.
a boat filled with roses
as black as my heart.
all I ask to join me
in this voyage to the end
is a bottle of the finest whiskey
and a picture of her.

they'll watch me float away
but let no tears fall.
no one knew my pain
no one understood my madness.
for when death comes to find me
I'll greet him with a smile.

the bar lights are out
me and the devil sit alone.
we take a final shot
light a final smoke
and I pat him on the back
"I'm ready to come home."