My depression
Wears a leather jacket
Smokes a cigarette against an alley wall
And asks me to dance with him
His voice is a scratchy mess of desire and impulse
His mouth is fresh of whiskey and regret
He extends a thin pale arm
And asks me to dance
Most times
I decline
Do my best to refuse politely
Even tango with mania instead
As an attempt to avoid him
But there is so much temptation
In darkness
And sometimes
It is hard to tell the difference
Between light and pitch black
Between white noise and screams
My depression
Whispers to me with heavy breath
Calls me baby girl
Tells me
That he can love me so well
Reminds me
That no one else will
Offers me rough hands
Convinces me
That they are the only ones left open
I do my best to resist
But almost always end up giving in
Eventually letting him hold me
Rock me back and forth
His arms feeling more haunted than house, than home
I watch
As he replaces the blue in my eyes with empty
Turns my occupied body into vacancy
He strokes my hair
And in my ear, says unworthy
Paints me ugly
Tells me that I am not pretty
And that nobody will ever want somebody like me
But that he does
So why shouldn't I love him back
Give all of myself completely
I think of all the ways he will treat me
Wonder if he is going to hurt me again
Know that he is
He will wrap my wrists into bleeding when I am lonely
Fill my mind with nightmare when I can't sleep
It is only after saying yes to his proposal
That I realize I do not want any part of this
My depression
Is the hardest lover to break up with
And every time I keep coming back
I always come back
My depression
Is the train I cannot step off of
I am too afraid of letting go
All of the paths intersect together
And the route is bound for destruction
It is unhealthy
To love something so volatile
But the clawing turns into comfort at night
And I do not know
How to sink my nails into something other than skin
My depression
Smokes a cigarette
And I watch the ash fall to the ground
As I fall to the ground
Like a bad habit that is all too familiar
My depression
Is nicotine
My depression
Is alcohol
My depression
Is an addiction
I keep coming back.

Some nights
I stand on stage
And read lines I have written
Lend my soul to strangers
And hope they enjoy it for the hour
I look out from blackness
To a crowd of many faces
But none of them
Are for me
Afterwards
I step out to greeting hands on shoulders
Smiling patrons with admiring words
But none of them
Are familiar
None of them
Are for me
I do not invite
Those I love
And the ones I do invite
Never come
Because they don't really love me at all
I do not invite
Those who do
To come watch me dissolve
Underneath these bright lights
I do not spill myself out
To those who already know what lays inside
My poetry is a blanket for everything ugly
And there is no need
To place it on those who have already seen what is underneath
Some nights
I am saddened by this
By entertaining a crowd that knows nothing more
Than my name and writing
Yes they have seen me bleed
And to them,
It is nothing more
Than an act
But there is no clotting after the show
No army of white blood cells to end the spillage
It is just me
Along with the remnants of what I've poured out that day
What people often forget
Is that my words follow me home
Some nights
I share them with others
But most nights
I keep them to myself
And every night
They stay with me
Sleep in my bed
The only good is in the reassurance
Of knowing they will be there
In the morning
Unlike every other
Who has left after the ******
Everyone
Always leaves
And I am afraid
That if I wring myself empty
To those who already love me
They will do the same
I do not know
How to clean up my mess with pride
I only know
How to sweep it aside
So for now
I will continue
To stand on stage
And read lines I have written
Lend my soul to strangers
And hope they enjoy it for the hour
I know they will
My performance
Is their escape.

I wonder
If she asked about me
Or if you told her
If your guilty conscience finally got the best of you
Shook you until my name bled from your mouth
Maybe
You never even mentioned me
At all
Maybe you didn't have to
Maybe it was easy
Maybe you woke up one morning
And decided that what you already had
Was much better than what you were going after
Maybe you finally understood what I meant
When I said I wasn't worth it
I never wanted to come between
But you welcomed my interference with open arms
Promised me oasis in desert future
And I caved
Because I have always been weak
Because I have always had a soft spot for guys with tattoos and turbulence
Our plane crashed long before takeoff
And somehow
I am still awaiting closure
Spend time telling myself you still think of me
Convince myself I'm still in your head
You already did the forgetting
You managed to do so with such ease
So effortlessly
Maybe you erased my number
Swallowed my image
And then trained your mind to delete
Programmed me into your brain as nothing more than homewrecker
Remember it was you
Who invited me in
In the first place
Gave me the hammer
And told me to start breaking
I split myself into two for you
Emptied out parts I kept deep inside
Poured myself in your hands
Painted my skin transparent
Confided about the night I was taken without permission
You promised
To never hurt me
Like he did
But disappointment is a certain kind of ache
It does not go away overnight like you did
You should have told me to begin with that we,
Were just a game you were playing
While your real life recharged
I am sorry
That I ever held my tongue for you
There will be no remorse
I can not grieve over something that never was
Our existence
Ceased before it began
So I,
Am back to placing caution tape around my body
Back to glueing my lips quiet
I wonder
If you sleep easy at night knowing how you left me
Knowing that I am still questioning
I know
She didn't ask about me
She didn't have to.

The hardest battle of all
Is the one you fight with yourself
The hardest battle to overcome
Is the one that nobody can see
But you
The worst enemy
Is the dull ache dwelling underneath a bright smile
One that has the capacity
To make millions laugh
One that succeeds
In doing so
But happiness is not always gained
In knowing the number of lives impacted by yours
Happiness is not defined
By the amount of people who love you
Crowded rooms are not saviour from drowning
And opens arms cannot always catch the falling
There is no guide
On how to wrestle your demons
And there is no clear solution
On how to win
Often times you will end up pinned to the ground
And finding the strength to pull yourself up
Can be more than just a challenge
Depression
Is the cold war
That nobody talks about
The one they forget to mention in school
We skip over it in text books and discussions
Assuming that if we forget its existence
It will vanish completely
But the only outcome of a closed mouth and stigma
Is our own disappearance
And it will never be romantic
To watch our loved ones fade
Because they couldn't figure out
How to love themselves
Enough to stay
It will never be desirable
To turn to dust under bright lights
While the whole world watches in awe
Depression
Is not something that can just be cured
With chemicals and someone to listen
It is a constant struggle
Of living in an empty mansion
Filled with hallways of locked doors
And spending every day of your life trying to find a way out
Depression
Is living in your body
But feeling like your wearing someone elses skin
Is watching excitement happen
But being unable to touch it
To taste it
Depression
Tastes of kerosene and ethanol
And every missed step
Every small conflict
Is a lit match
Thrown into the pit of your stomach
Depression
Is unapologetic
It will take everyone you love
And turn them into monster
Will take your reflection
And turn it into ugly
Depression
Will chew with sharp teeth
Then spit you out to an unforgiving world
In crooked pieces
There is no easy way
To put yourself back together
There is no easy way
To tell who is coming apart at the seams
And even the softest of souls
Can fall victim to their sadness
Some will relent to belt and door frame
To knot and heavy wrists
But the battle does not have to end ******
The battle does not have to end in regret
In what should have been done
In what could have been prevented
This battle
Is not going to cease
Without a fair fight
And although the one you take on with yourself
May be the hardest one ever fought
Do not give in
Do not give up
Even when your bones are purple from bruise
And your skin is ripped from sharpness
Do not yield to disaster
Do not succumb to darkness
Do not surrender
There is someone
Who will miss you
Do not forfeit
For this battle
Is not through
And your story
Is not over
Yet.

I speak with apology in my voice
Almost every word I say is followed by sorry
And my conversations are often riddled with insecurity
I do not mean remorse
But I was bred from repentance
Mother told me be cautious of my speech
Taught me that speaking my mind
Is not lady like
That profanity
Is not feminine
I learned to replace my ***** with apologies
Muted my voice with shame
Always reluctant to say how I feel
Afraid to withhold
I was told
That the worst word in the english language is no
Engrained this belief so deeply into muscle memory,
That when he took without permission
Refusal didn't even cross my mind
The word no
Never made it through my vocal chords
And out past my lips
When I blamed myself afterwards
It felt more warranted
Than actually accepting the reality
That this
Was not right
I somehow managed though
To place the fault on myself
For his taking
Of what is rightfully mine
I placed the fault on myself
Not for my inability to decline
But for feeling like this was what I deserved
I was raised
How every young girl always has been
In quiet tones and hushed voices
In keeping secrets and asking for forgiveness
I was taught how to please a man
But was barely even familiar with my own anatomy
Knew how to reach male *******
But not my goals
I was taught that women
Are here to satisfy
And that my body
Was made to satisfy
A present to be saved and someday gifted
That pure is synonymous with wanted
That my value was only to be determined
By the number of times I have slept in a bed other than my own
I was raised thinking
That all I could ever be was leftover ash
Nobody ever told me
That I am made of fire
Capable of burning at the touch
I grew up believing
That I was nothing more than a burnt out star
Dust to be picked up and reassembled by whatever man chooses to fix me
I was told
That I should call myself lucky for the saviour
And if I get the chance
I sure as hell better take it
I was trained to believe
That being with someone
Meant that *** is always wanted
I learned how to speak guilt before I learned the word consent
And I am just now learning
That all of this
Is mistake
What we were taught
Is mistake
But I am not a mistake
And there is no room for sorry to follow every question I pose
There are far too many words to get out
And not enough time
For silencing
I have realized
That I
Am meant to be here
And there is no apology
Needed.

I spill out the contents of my heart
Every time I flip to a new page in a notebook
I am forced to face my demons
Cut them carefully in half
Let them pour out
Then clean up the blood and guts I've left behind
And the mess I've made
Always turns out to be prettier
Than the process it took to get there
I turn the sting of open wound relatable
My bruises ring purple and black
And I let people touch them
Let them poke at the ugly
So that maybe they can find comfort in knowing
That they aren't theirs
Pain is so attractive
When it isn't yours to wear
When you don't have to carry it around all day on your back
And then tuck it into the same bed as you
It is difficult to drift off at night
When your pain speaks lullabies into your ear
It is impossible to sleep
When your pain wakes you up every five minutes
To remind you of its existence
It is routine
To go through the day and break off parts of it
Hand them to people
So they can find solace
In trying something they'll never know well enough to hate
The salt of it only tastes good for so long
And after a while
It begins to sit uncomfortably
It is so easy
To admire broken teeth
When they aren't in your mouth
So easy
To find scars beautiful
When they aren't on your body
I have gotten used to putting my distress on display
I am used to it bearing it with ease
And my body has become a ******* number 5
For everyone to awe at
The disaster and mess is striking
When it isn't yours to have to put back together
But the appeal is only temporary
And my hands are raw from the cleansing
There is still so much stitching to be done
To keep myself from falling apart completely
I am taking caution
When it comes to opening up
Holding the binding of book by its thread
I am too terrified by the inevitability
Of losing
To spill
Any more
So I am done pouring out
Until I find someone
Who can love me
Empty.

The odds of being struck by lightning
Are one in 3,000
I watched from a window
As 13 people that were not me
Got struck by it
Just a few feet away
From where I was standing
And I am left thinking
About how that could have so easily
Been me
Out of curiosity
I looked up odds in a lifetime
I wanted to know
How often things happen
What came up
Consisted only of odds of dying
And I laughed
Thinking
About all of the other odds
That were more important than death
That were more interesting
Than freak accidents
And demise
How about the odds of meeting someone
With the same exact name
Or the odds
Of loving someone who loves the same stuff
As you do
The odds
Of throwing a perfect game in baseball
Are one in 18,192
The odds of finding your soulmate
Are one in 10,000
And more people are concerned
Of getting bit by a shark than finding love
The chances of that happening
Are one in 11.5 million
Sharks are not the enemy
We are
If you ask me
I would say
I'd much rather focus
On the rare positives
There are good things that happen daily
That happen unexpectedly
It is better to hope for those
Than worry about ones unlikely
You can measure the past
All you want
Give it numbers
And try predict future
But one thing you cannot do
Is measure life.

I believe in promise more than I should
Grew up thinking that pinkys bent together were the strongest bond there is
I am just now learning how to ease my grip
Learning
How to break the rope I tie with vow
Just before it catches into noose
I have been hung from the rafters of my own vulnerability
Too many times before
And I am learning
How to build back strong
Learning
How to keep my doors locked
Trying
To stop letting people in
Those who lure me with the pledge of future
Who tell me their intentions are golden
And I,
The silver plated woman
Have nothing to worry about
But I've seen platinum turn to rust right before my eyes
And too often does metal twist into deceit
I want to believe
That everyone who gives me oath
Is genuine in their undertaking
I want to believe
That it is impossible
To tell someone you care
And then out of nowhere just pack up and leave
I never understood
How it is anyone is able
To wake up one morning
And just stop loving
How you could swear interest for months
And then one day just lose it
I am done
Holding on to words that never meant anything in the first place
How many times do I have to hit hard until I learn
To stop jumping in head first
I am still believing
And forgetting the lie within it
Forgetting
That pinkys can break too
Bone is not shatterproof
Yet somehow
Still heals much quicker than heart
My hopes
Are so much brighter than my reality
And every time they fail
I still find ways to put blame on something else
On someone else
But never the one who drops me
I still remember your promise
Still fresh from your tongue
I am holding on to it in the palm of my hand
Grasping it between fingers
Morphing it into skin
Trying to convince myself
That you're going to come back for it
That the leave was only temporary
See
I am skilled in the art
Of never letting go
It is a practice
I have mastered
And I do not intend
On stopping
Even if you never return
Even if I
Never come back down to earth
I am perfectly content with this delusion
Wake me up
When there is solace
In something other than falsity
Wake me up
When I finally find someone
Willing
To come back to me.

When you love someone who is not there
Your mind will learn to create
Draw images of how everything should be
Erase ones that depict how it actually is
Eventually you will forget what is real
And what is make believe
You will convince yourself
That you are not forgotten
And that even though you haven't heard from him in days
He still thinks of you
You will tell yourself
That you are still wanted
Regardless of the fact that you barely want anything to do with yourself
You will somehow believe that someone else does
He will not tell you though
You have to remind yourself that he is too busy
Too involved even for a hello
You will have to remember
That his life never intended on having you be part of it
And that you
Will probably never be a part of it
You will constantly be reminded of every time you were promised future
And your wanting for it will become unbearable
You will lay awake at night like you always do
This time tasting of more than just alcohol and regret
You will swallow your own tongue wondering why fate never seems to be on your side
Thinking maybe you were never meant to love in the first place
That meeting him was a mistake
You should have known better anyway
To fall for a guy
With a heart already occupied
You know all too well
That there is not enough room in one for two
And you are the tenant with the most vacant body
Stop trying to fill yourself with things that don't exist
You will need to recall
Every single time you have built yourself up
Your expectations piling above you
Never anticipating the crash
You always seem to be staring blank eyed
When everything around you crumbles into disaster
You learn to pick up the pieces
And glue them into something decent enough to look at
Your mind is still painting pictures
On a canvas that will most likely never be tangible
And you will be reminded of it when you're laying in bed
And your hands grab for someone who is not there
When you love someone who is not there
You will spend every second of the day
Searching for them in crowded rooms
When in reality
You know
They weren't there to begin with
And they probably
Never will be.

Something about his words
And the way they seep into my skin
Makes me feel at home
Something about the thought of future
Of blind promise
Comforts me
Keeps me close at night
Almost lets me forget
That someone else
Has his heart
That it is not some vacant capacity I get to move in to
I am not the only one
Who swirls his image in daydream
Wanting to taste him
Honey on my tongue
Both bitter and sweet at once
Wanting nothing more
Than to drown in eyes and whiskey
Fall quiet to tranquil arms
And ocean wave nights
Wanting
To know love
That isn't synonymous
With interference
My imagination
Works so well
That I almost forget
I am not the only star in his galaxy
That there is no gaurantee
Of becoming sun
More likely
To be supernova burnt out
Turned dust
Unlikely to be remembered
I set my hopes
Much higher than I can reach
Forget about my fear of heights
Dive directly into open hands
I cannot be sure of certainty in another
And most times
I feel more like a waiting problem
Than something to be desired
Feel more late night paramour
Than planned ambition
I have worn the name
Other woman
Too many times
Have it sewn on black lace bra
Branded on porcelain pale skin
Am only young girl marked temptress
I will never believe
That anybody could want this permanently
When all I have ever been is second place passed down
All I have ever been is sideline
Something to come back to
When the rest has died out
I tell him
That I want to be his only
That I could be
Everything he wants me to be
He tells me
I already am
But that there is settling in situations to be done
I tell him
I understand
When really I don't
Know too well that there is not enough room in a heart
For two to fit comfortably
I tell him
Okay
That I will be here waiting patiently
Hanging on
To his words
Until they mold
Into something
That can love me back
Until they morph
Into something
Tangible.

It was a tuesday night in January
A flight delayed two days late
Stranding me in California sun

I ask Ari
To take me to hear poetry
Without hesitation she takes me
To small crowded theatre on Fairfax
We sit cross legged on stage when she encourages me
To share words I had never before spoken aloud
Puts my hand in the air
My name on the list
Volunteers my voice to a hundred unfamiliar faces
So I stand
Bow legged facing microphone
Open mouth
And for the first time
Hear myself speak

Vulnerability has never been a strength of mine
But in those 3 minutes I was given
I let out the sawdust buried beneath my tongue
In those 180 seconds
I learned how to breathe open
Learned how to listen
That tuesday night in January
A flight delayed two days late
Left me stranded in California sun
And fate
Grabbed me by the wrists
And led me into poetry's arms
I never knew
That night
Would become start to new beginning
Would become catalyst
To finding voice in this echoed hallway of a body
That night
Handed me future
Gave me
What I hadn't even known existed
But had always been searching for

I was introduced to opportunity that three girls and one boy later
Would become family
I never expected
To find home in a place other than comfort zone
But leaving was exactly what I needed to reach it
Found parts of myself
In the words of four strangers
Found purpose
In the rhythm of our pens against paper
Found steady
In voice speaking vebrado
I did not plan
To navigate four hearts at once
But learned how to connect our valves
Just enough for it to work
Learned from them most
When raw and ******
Shaking at the times we couldn't bare our own thoughts
Our own feelings
Our own memories
I learned
That each weakness of theirs
Is outnumbered by asset
By strength

Cheyenne
Has a voice like a welcome mat
But closes herself off to most
For fear of goodbye
For fear of repeat abandonment
I want to tell her
That she has a smile like summer
And dimples one could live in
That I don't understand
How anyone could ever leave someone
Who is so much like sun
Is beauty and warmth
In a mixture that can only be swallowed
By those worthy enough to hold her
Sophia
Is crystal eyes and steel bullet
Loves nicotine
Almost as much as she does coffee
Knows how to stand stripped and bleeding
Without worrying about covering up
She
Has a voice like honey bourbon
The kind you want to pour down your throat
Until inhibition disappears completely
Julia
Fell into these words the same way as I did
Composes hers with softness wrapped in strong
She may not believe it
But she is more metal than any other element
Knows anxiety as well as I do
Knows loving is never going to be easy
But doesn't know
That she is so easy to love
Laughs at herself between embarrassing stories
Doesn't realize how much courage that takes
I can see
When her heart attempts to leap out her chest
Doesn't know
That I wait with open hands
Ready to catch it
Erique
Is old soul living beneath 15 years
Knows smiles and laughter
As the most important entity
Doesn't get upset
At my mention of his youth
Loves human almost as much as they love him
Looks to strangers
With outstretched arms
And ready heart

I came into this group unexpectedly
Expecting poetry
And leave
With more than just an understanding of language
I leave
With passion I had never known possible to find
Leave
With stories strung together by veins
With a family
That is more of one
Than I have ever known
More of one
Than my own has ever been
I leave this team
With gratitude
For three months spent working the hardest I ever have
Gratitude
For it being the driving force in my decision to move
To leave my past behind in another city
Leave my demons to the cold and highrises
I found purpose
In a time where I questioned its existence

To the army of fighting poets
You are the most peaceful war fought
Toughest calm ever written
Your battles have not been easy
But you have grown strong
The only casualties being the perceptions you killed
I do not know
If I will ever find this vigor
In another lifetime
But I do know
That I will never find it again
In this one.

Dear Chicago
I have known you since birth
Was placed on this earth at the corner of belmont and clarke
Between thrift shops and sports bars
Amidst high rises and churches
At introduction was enamoured
Fell in love at first sight
Fell in love with your capacity
Your buildings
And skyline
Fell in love
With the way the pier's ferris wheel
Glows against lake michigan
How I felt invicible
The first time I ever rode it
A tourist attraction to say the least
But to me, has always been more
Has always been comforting
I claim to hate the cold
But the snow blanketing the trees in the winter time
Is a beauty unlike any other
Is painstakingly unbearable in it's temperature
But worth it
Worth the below zero windchill
Worth the frostbitten hands and hour long commutes
The weather has yet to prevent celebration
Couples bond over frozen lips with kisses and hot chocolate
Skates click against glass ice in Millenium park
I have always thought
That the city looks best dressed in christmas
In street lights
In holiday
In togetherness
In road rage turned blessing
It is hardest to hate what is shared
And freezing cold has a way of providing unity
As does autumn
How nothing has ever been more breathtaking
Than how leaves make death look graceful
How they make fifteenth story falls seem desirable
Something about the air
Feels different in the fall
But regardless of season
There is always warmth in the food
In the deep dish pizza that settles at the bottom of hungry stomachs
In the hotdogs that cannot be imitated in any other town
I have noticed
That some things can not be replaced
And this city
That I have grown up loving
Is not one that deserves to be changed
But still
Is imperfect
Is molding
Growing in ways more negative than good
In ways unwanted
Gang violence is no longer a rarity
Earning us a top spot on the list of high ****** rates
It seems today
That gunshots and sirens
Are the only music to be heard in the streets
That the jazz born here decades ago no longer plays
Only silent cry of mother losing child
Only unanswered prayer
Reports of daily shootings have become routine
Safety is not one of the stronget attributes
And a girl like me
Would be unable to securely navigate the streets on her own
Survive in this community turned war zone
Chicago
I have loved you
For as long as I have known what love is
I have painted picture after picture of you
Admiring your intricate details
Your originality
Your parts that can not be found any place else
But there are flaws
That have forced me to leave
Have driven me thousands of miles away
You must understand
That I needed someplace
That could offer me protection when alone
Chicago
I may not be in your arms
But you will always
Hold a place
In my heart
You will always
Be home.

The first time you are told
That you are beautiful
You will not believe it
You will swallow it down harshly
Like a glass of ethanol
Force a mona lisa smile on your unknowing face
And say thank you
Say it like it's something you're used to hearing
Like it actually means something
Like it doesn't hurt as much as it does
Compliments aren't supposed to hurt
But you were taught them backhanded
Raised on anticipation
Expecting to feel a sting after every one you're given
Conditioned to regard praise as unfamiliar
As foreign territory
Body only knowing warzone
And battlefield
Not knowing genuine
Body was never taught how to be loved
How to love
You were too busy trying to learn to love men with rough hands and heavy breath
Too busy giving away parts of you in hopes of getting something back
And what was left over never felt like enough
Felt hollow
Felt maybe you were never meant to feel like you are important
Or desirable
Or anything for that matter
So the next time you are called pretty
Or something of the kind
You will have mastered the art of acceptance
Will have memorized the routine
Will be able to swallow it down faster
Quicker
Will know how to bury it deep inside of you
Yet still bare a vacant hole underneath all of that skin
You were told at a young age
That there was too much of it
That nobody could ever love thick
That they only want thin
When he tells you that you're body is flower and stem
Is garden
Is beauty
Is something to be admired
You will feel the same kind of longing
You have felt so many times before
A kind of homesickness
For a body that has never quite felt like home
Too many residents have attempted to tear it down
Have set it aflame
Have tried to burn you to the ground
It takes someone who treats you well
To realize how incompetently the rest did
It takes someone with intentions of gold
To realize that the rest were just rust
Flattery may not be a language
That you will ever fully comprehend
But it will always be one that is
Unavoidable
You will learn to nod your head
Learn to agree with a cause you might never truly believe in
Might as well accept the inevitable
So when you are told
That you are beautiful
Do everything in your power
To hide your disbelief
Your skepticism
Your complete disregard towards them
Your inability to understand how anyone could ever possibly love something like you
When you are told
That you are worthy
Do your best
To smile
And make it seem like you already know
Like you have known it
For a very
Long time.