More along the lines
of my loneliness discord,
I stepped into the crime
of a *****, painful sword.

Too many closing doors,
and sorrow always there,
a memory has flood the moors
of my eyes a-brim with tears.

We have watched the sacred clock,
tick-tocking away delight,
yet never understood the shock
that something was not quite right.

Tomorrow's now never hoped for,
yesterday's a shattered dream,
we now crouch behind a closed, locked door,
and in silence loudly scream.

long ago,
leaving me to weak to yell,
i
saw a single stone laying in the dust
along the road.
Taken by its
loneliness,
i
reached
down
to pick it up,
placed it
crying
inside my left breast-pocket
without
an angry word,
(or none)
as the world
imploded
from within my
empty soul
and the birds
above
had ceased to
sing.

Dutifully watching willows sway
Birds are lounging just beneath the overhang
Rain is gently pouring down the window pane
I sit hear raggedly alternating my vision
From you to it
It to you.

I don't know if you are conscious
I really hope you can hear me.
I stopped using words days ago
I plead to you from my soul.

Countless days and fruitless nights
I spent in chairs, couches and cold floors.
Fluorescent lights beaming down
Numbing every emotion as time slowly passes.

I look and wait
speak to others
hoping you will just chime in
Jealous that my attention was diverted.

No sound just shallow movements of your chest.
Time here is mounting deep within me
patience giving way to rage

I took deep calculations once

before I was 18

1/3 of my life was spent hospitals.

I wish


I would


have



been




the





patient






instead of learning about patience.

oh how dreams don't come true
you sighed deeply into the night

looking at me like some sort of resolution had arrived
i was not there to wash away the life you had known
i chose to make life better for each of us

that was not going to happen

my life plan was to live
your life plan was already in shambles

there was no blue print
no scale model
just ideals

long dreamt ideals of who i should have been for you
you said i lied to you
that you were disillusioned with the idea of who i was

am i Copperfield?
there were no smoke or mirrors
only your addiction and vanity

Houdini?
i never tried to escape
into the countless bottles that accumulated

Blackstone?
i only tried to put you back together
every day after you tried to tear yourself and us apart

the magic was all around us and some days you even saw it
most nights you cut right through it

if i was your illusion
then you became the analogy

you might be my 1 great love
but you will never be a mistake

nothing hurt more than the words in your eyes

you said you became poison
was i the catalyst to that transformation

there is talk of mole hills now

then you spoke of our dreams

i even made the purchase
you finally broke me

there you were
moving brightly down civilized lane
basking in the glow of someones technicolor dream
was it even yours?

you finally sold it to me and here i sit
thinking of all those dreams

i
never
dreamt

missing things only you could have fed me


i have a mirror now
and i find myself looking

you tried to fill the ever growing void deep in me

i failed you

because the only things that kept me going
were the things you hated most

i feel the void and i feed the void
but it is sated because it is me
not something coerced into belief
neither is it a curse to which i was bequeathed

the void was here before you
the void will live beyond me
i will live before it takes me
  
yet as i go about those days
etched on the back of hand
will be the broken vision
of that life plan

i loved

no really i truly did







Once.

in that place there was static

static that made me indiscernible from the shadows.



you are no more
we are long past

i wish there was a grave
i would bring you to it

no one would lie in it

i wouldn’t have that grave mired

with

what

we

were/are

it would remain pristine unlike us.





some day it would be filled

then i would let you see me cry

and you would still have no clue.