Eyes closed
Mind blown
How the ****'d you do that?

(April 2012)

This fortune came to me today
And it really touched my heart,
For its message is plain as day –
Our friendship needs a jumpstart.

I haven’t been a friend to you;
I beg you your forgiveness.
Without you, I’m all shades of blue –
It’s you, crazy girl, I miss.

(February 2012)

You call it self-esteem,
But I'm out of steam
To fight this fight
That you call life.

I'm stuck in between ... unseen.

My time to shine?
I don't have time to polish,
To wade through this anguish
That binds me to my anxiety.

Instead, I hide. You are the only one
Who sees me for me;
Yet you don't know how to help me
Become the me I want to be.

Why am I so defensive,
Unable to express myself?
I'm tired ... I'm wired,
I'm all fired up ...

But before I get started,
I find myself guarded.
I weep myself to sleep -
Maybe tomorrow I'll try again.

(March 2012)

Sunny blue skies,
Tears in my eyes,
I'm free, but I can't be me without you.

Bright green leaves,
Warm spring breeze,
I don't see the beauty without you.

Drinks, drives, bike rides,
I laugh, I cry, I try
Yet nothing's the same without you.

Ice cream, sweet stuff,
Trucks built Ford tough,
It all reminds me of being without you.

You stole my heart,
It tears me apart.
It won't come back to me without you.

I wrote this song
But it's not a song
Without the music, without you.

(May 2009)

Darling talk maybe cheap,
but I pay a pretty penny for those thoughts of yours.
I lose my own self
in order to gain parts of you.
Offering dreams and futures that coincide,
turning them into what you want them, or me
to be.
I ask for only love as compensation.
A small price for such big ideas.
Some would call it a steal for what I’m willing to give.
If I were you, I would take this bargain while she’s hot.

I don’t see the same me others do.
I get told that I’m lots of things .
In my mind most of them never seem to make sense,
to correlate more or less.
It’s like this list they keep pulling out of air.
When ever I read it, it says the same thing,
but never do I understand.
Beautiful they say,
why don’t I see it?
Intelligent or smart,
then why don’t I understand you?
Its like this over whelming tide
that my soul got ****** into.
No matter how hard I resist,
I always let it take me in the end,
Right before I break free.
I’m always up long enough though,
long enough to see right where I want to be,
where I should,
but never have I,
or will I,
or can I attain it,
and it burns me.
But for some reason I can’t stop.
I don't enjoy sticking my hand into the fire
but since I haven't felt or seen the sun
from under the water
I don't know what it really feels like any more.
At least when your hand is in the fire
you feel pain
rather that then nothing.
Everything is better then nothing.
At least,
in my eyes.

Rocked by thunder.
A light that nearly blinded me,
over much to quickly.
Just a flash that passed me,
During a night that we only refer to as a blur.
Early in the morning I slip from the clouds of the storm,  
making the small leap home.
Where I bath in my bittersweet guilty pleasure.
So aware of the rain and mud that won’t clean off,
chuckling to myself,
“it shouldn’t have been that much fun.”
Sobriety and insanity had a wonderful balance that night.
As we stole stars from the sky,
ran from the upset nature,
while playing in the sky’s tears over her lost friends.
There was splendor in all her rage.
There was a beauty in her pain.

The fabric soft against my skin.
I slip into it,
ravishing the feeling of this moment.
Wondering how many more tomorrows will feel this way.
Until I realize its soiled,
these disgusting stains that have made me collateral damage.
Its so grimy!
So foul!
How revolting!
How I hate my self for hating you...
                                                          ­                                                                 ­                           Its like I can't escape him.
His stench of betrayal follows me  every where!
I can’t clean it off!
The pride that once held this ivory shade,
is now smeared and torn with images of you.
                                                            ­                                                                 ­              Fine then, be with her.
Pearl buttons and lace ties hang by mere threads
where beautiful memories once stitched them together.
You've left me tarnished and tainted.
                                                        ­                                                              Wh­at did i see in you.
It’s like the world can see this new shade.
A stench that seeps from the stains!
Creating this barricade from who I want to be!
Who I want to show to him.
I hide my now homely love,
stuck in box,
beneath my bed,
unable to rid my self of your Pandora's box,
in ambition to make sure,
no one will ever see this ***** laundry.

When walking through the woods
I heard him.
He spoke simple,concise.
Words more harsh then arctic winds
drifting past my heart.
No real pain though,
I was so cold my body was numb.
He had become a raw irritation.
With a smile on his face
He took his ax,
split my confidence like birch wood,
sprinkled the kindling of my ego
around me.
“It’s just not what i thought it would be,
I hope we can still be friends.”
He never told me what he though it was.