Daddy, I never asked to see you cry
It is unsettling
Because I have tried to convince myself
That this isn't happening.
You make it harder.

Daddy, we never got along
But suddenly, you are not taking advantage
Of my vulnerability.
You aren't using this as an opportunity
To berate me.
Something must be wrong.

For the first few days,
You allowed me to cry.
Now, once mom returned
Our relationship seems to be
"Business as usual" once again.

We nag, we fight, we ignore
The underlying issues.
But we seldom forget
The words that have seeped through
The cracks of our broken sidewalk at hand.

Daddy, I just want to be coddled
And yet, I want nothing of the sort
Because that would mean that this is all real.

Daddy, I just want to be a child again
But somehow, I seek my independence
Pushing boundaries as I go.

Daddy, I just want things
To be okay once again.

Mama, there is no question
That you love me
With every particle of your being.
Mama, I'm sorry I told you
That things would be okay.

Mama, I'm sorry I said
That he would be just fine.
I really believed it too.
I lied, unintentionally
And now this is all my fault.

Mama, I should not have to be strong for you
As you would never ask that of me.
But I cannot stop myself from trying
*And failing.

You have hurt me
By judging how I grieve.
Still, I should not have lashed out.
My heart has been a dark abyss
I find myself loveless
Both in giving and in receiving it.
It is not fair how I am acting
But neither is what is happening.
My life has crumbled before my eyes
He was not supposed to die
And I cling to guilt and sadness
Like bitter friends
As they are all I have left.
This is not meant to be
A wasted apology
But I am sorry
For acting so selfishly
And for simply
Becoming a new, more sinister
Lonelier version of me.