What will it be like
when I first see you in december
how will it feel to touch you again?
will I touch you again?
will it ever be the same?

Our lives will have changed so much over these couple months apart
will the sound of my name still leave your lips in a rose hued haze?
or will it fall flat only to be realized a moment too late?

When will the sadness end?
waiting staring at the clock tick tick tock
it keeps going non stop tick tock tick tick
yet gets slower every time I look back
tick            tock         tick

A month can go by in an instant
but the thoughts of you are slower than time can comprehend
so it maliciously stops and lags and makes me think of you incessantly
and never lets it end
until it does

But not for long
not longer than a couple quick moments because time doesn't make sense
it never has with you
and now it's proving its point

Well I don't need any **** points to be proven
let me sleep or I'll die of desperation
let me sleep let me sleep!
but time's not that kind
you deserve this it says
you deserve this for falling in love

So I deserve this.
I deserve this massacring of mind
because I fell for you

But I can't stop thinking
what will it be like?
to see you to touch you to feel you
how will you respond?

The night that special night
in my bed
the last time we saw each other
before we both left
that magical night
words were spoken bodies were touched
but none of the words mattered
none of them could make sense of our emotions
nothing came close
no sounds could describe what we were feeling

So we lied there on my bed and you slipped your fingers
inside me
and you showed me stories instead of told me
and you showed me my body
and you opened my soul
and you took out my bruised heart
and you held it so tightly
and you whispered to it
it's alright
everything will be alright
the bruises will heal far sooner than you think
and some won't
and that's ok
because I love you

And that's how I accepted it
our parting
because you whispered into my heart
into my soul
my body
that
you loved me
you still do
and I do too.

How am I supposed to breathe when you're not here?
Oxygen has not been kind to me.
When the leaves fall and soon enough they'll make a crisp beneath my soles
And the brisk wind will come whistling past my ears pinking my cheeks
Will you still be there in my dreams?
Will you still be my escape?

And then when the snow starts to fall and those leaves begin to fade from sight
When the ochre sweaters turn into fur coats
And the people no longer carry umbrellas but coffee mugs
Will I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat
Grasping at the greedy oxygen
Reaching for you
Angry with the futility of my predicament?

Or will the fresh leaves of spring bring relief?

one pair of sweet lips,
wishing they could be tucked over mine
two engaging eyes,
ones i can never look away from
wishing to keep them matching my gaze
one nose,
perfectly complementary to the outline of my face
when you come close
so come close
closer
so much closer.

Close enough so I can smell you
your soft, warm, comforting, **** smell which I crave too often
Close enough so I can feel the warmth of your body on mine
Lying here with me, nothing exists but you and I,
The warmth of my blankets couldn't compare to the fire burning in your eyes
touch me. hold me. feel me.
feel us, entangled, intertwined, naked, warm.
nothing between us.
no barriers.
no clothes.
no phones.
nothing.
skin on skin.
*warmth.

Fresh laundry
***** combat boots
Grey ripped jeans
Dark honey eyes
You got a tattoo?? That's so cool
Looking up to you
Listening to every word
Your girlfriend?? Oh… your girlfriend… well, kind of… you know how that goes...
No chance
upset
crying
all alone
You call
Heart beats
Veins jump
Panic
Hi
I miss you
Pulse quickens
You… you do?
Butch
My introduction.
My undoing.
My torture.
But… but you're a girl…
Confusion.
So
much
confusion.
Hatred.
Can't tell mom.
You.
Butch
blonde
soft brown eyes
warm
like dark honey
mysterious
what are you?
who are you?
what are you doing to me?
dreams
indescribable
wake up
soaking wet
you do strange things to my head
I reach down
feels sticky
rubbing
you
you
butchandblonde
and brown eyed
doe eyed
hands moving faster
you
***** combat boots
ripped jeans
you
fresh laundry
tattoos
mindfuck
feel it building
waves through me
you
pushing into me
shaking
fingers lost
you
scream too loud
thank god no one's home
lying there for hours
heavy breathing
youyouyouyou
butchandblonde

I listened to every voicemail she sent me
I heard us deteriorate through the months
and it was
too
much.

in the night
I see
her

touching me
hugging me
kissing me

and then she asks
“do you love
me?”

and in the night
I have the confidence
to say yes
as I reach down
with a smile
for another
kiss

but then as our lips touch
the dream breaks
and I am left dazed
in the dark
of my
bed room

I look over at the pillow
I clutch between my arms
and sigh

I close my eyes again
hoping for the dream
to return

You walk in,
  laughing like
melting cheese.
  Blossoming the
air, red as a
  sinner’s dying
will. I would want
  to kiss the naughtiness
on your lips.
  I start gigeling,
even though it’s
  bitter inside.
You know I’ll always
  happy your happiness.
Just so we can
  smile together.

maybe she remembers

maybe she remembers
all those loving words
we whispered in each
others ears

maybe she remembers
all those nights that we
stayed up

all those nights that
turned to morning
before we ended
them

I remember
I remember them all
I remember them and
tears come to my eyes

not just for losing them,
those wonderful nights
that turned to morning,
but for the fact that I
lost them, caught up in
blind hormonal rage

my words were nothing
against the anger you
rightfully threw against
my fragile mind

and I was crushed
my mind fell into pieces
as I was reminded not to
get ****** in

I cried
I’d never cried like I did that day

because I did
I got ****** in
like I knew I
shouldn’t have

but I don’t regret it

she probably remembers;
I told her I could let her
go then,

and I did
but it was hard
too hard
but I did it

I’m better for it

maybe she remembers me
I hope so

maybe she remembers
what we did
and
what we didn’t do

we’ll never be the same.
neither of us,
I remember why
and maybe she remembers
too