it's summer. the beginning of july to be exact. my mom and i have finally arrived in north carolina for the highlight of my year: summer camp (or as i lovingly call it: nerd camp). i, for some idiotic reason, am wearing maroon sweatpants, a black tank top, black combat boot heels, and a polka dot blanket. why i'm wearing the blanket in the sweltering heat remains a mystery to me as well. i'm dragging my obnoxious, oversized suitcases behind me as the counselors try their hardest not to stare. i know i've definitely overpacked for only a three week stay, but better safe than sorry right? i see the magnificent front doors and a smile graces my lips. i'm finally here. back where i can fully be myself unapologetically. it's as i start lugging my bags up the pathway when the doors open and out you come. oh, how glad i am to see you. our eyes meet and instantly our slight smiles are turned into blinding grins. i drop my bags, my blanket, forget everything and run towards you as you run towards me. we meet in the middle of the path in a bone crushing hug that can hardly express how much we've missed each other. i know we're causing a scene but i really just can't bring myself to care. after a year apart, we're finally reunited, even if only for a meager three weeks. i fully intend to spend as much time as humanly possible with you over the next twenty one days, no matter how annoyed you may get of me. i know i'm a handful but that's one of the reasons you love me, isn't it? it's hard to believe that we only met a year ago, only a hundred or so feet away from where we stand now. the bond that's formed between us feels like we've known each other a lifetime at least. as we hug and you spin me around and everyone stares, i let out a bubbly laugh. i am happy. i'm filled with pure joy and nothing else. for the first time in so long, i don't think about what can go wrong, how we'll have to leave each other again soon, how recently i'd been feeling like life wasn't worth living. i think only of how happy i am to finally have your arms wrapped around me again and how just being near you makes me feel like everything will be okay. i don't know how you do it but you cause me so much joy that it's all i can feel. in my mind, i make a note. this. this is what pure happiness feels like. and if i'm able to feel it now, i know i'll be able to feel it again. so with that joy comes hope. this is only the second time i've ever felt pure happiness in my life but i know there's more to come. this is only part ii of a neverending series. it may take a while for the pieces to come out at first but i know they'll come easier and easier as i go on. and so i hold on. thinking of happiness pt i. thinking of happiness pt ii. thinking of happiness pt ∞.

it’s near the end of freshman year and we’re closer than ever. you’re my best friend and i your’s. after school we walk down to starbucks and just sit there for hours. we sip our drinks and relapse slightly into our dreaded emo phases. we talk about everything and nothing. we laugh loudly and admittedly obnoxiously. i’m sure the other patrons were quite tired of us. we’re talking about pierce the veil when one of my managers from work walks in. as luck would have it, it’s the one who despises me with her entire being. we try to quiet down a bit and stop laughing but it’s impossible at this point. i give up on caring and just let her judge me to high heaven. she already will anyway. she leaves and you and i laugh and continue being embarrassing idiots in the middle of this coffee shop. i haven’t laughed this hard in who knows how long, maybe my entire laugh. you’re the only one who can make me laugh this hard. i love you so much and looking at you smiling and laughing fills me with that feeling once again. it starts in my chest and flows through me, warming me from the inside out. it’s gone just as quick as it appears but it’s simply unforgettable, that feeling. for only the second time in my entire life, i feel whole.

i’m at work. my coworkers, no, my friends are with me. the restaurant is empty and we’re laughing. laughing about who knows what; maybe a crazy customer, maybe one of his hilarious anecdotes, maybe her joke, maybe just because we’re dumb teenagers who’ll laugh at anything. we’re standing and laughing and for the first time in a very long time i feel it. it flows through my body starting from my chest and goes all the way down to my toes and fingertips. it surrounds me, but not in the suffocating way that the sadness does. no, this is different. this feels like a warm hug that i didn’t know i needed until i got it. i feel like my entire being is lighting up and i want to stay in that moment forever. after just a second, the happiness vanishes, but it still leaves traces inside me. i feel hopeful. when’s the last time i felt that? i feel hopeful and i know just from that fleeting burst of happiness that everything’s worth it. i know that i’ll be able to feel that high of emotions again and god, do i want to. and everyone else is still laughing and smiling and i know that things can’t stay this way forever because eventually a car will pull into the parking lot or the manager will come out and tell us to clean but none of that matters. because in that moment, i am happy and i know that i am not unfixable and i know that i can be a normal dumb teenager laughing at normal dumb things. and that’s all that really matters.