I wish
oh god, how I wish
that I never latched on to every word you said
the hum of your voice kept my heart beating

and god, how I wish
I never caught your eye
I wish you hadn't put your arm around my shoulders
and I wish I never crawled into your bed
and slept through the night
next to the warmth of you

I wish we hadn't spent those long hours in the night
staying up so long, just to talk
just to be together
I wish I would have just slept on the living room couch instead

I wish I never widened the cracks in my heart
just enough to let you in
it became too full, too fast
and now it is bursting in pain.
infected.

I wish I never invited you in.
I wish we had never been lovers.
I wish we had just stayed friends.

One of the very rare times
that you hold me in your arms, of your own accord
I look into your eyes
and realize, in horror
that this is not enough.

you are not enough for me.

and that the hurt outweighs the laughter
and the shame outweighs our joy
and for all my tears -
every fear -

you are no longer
and have never really been
my beautiful boy.

These crossed out plans.
The foiled intentions.
All the ideas in my mind
that I had
for someone else to save me
to save myself

They are gone.

And they are dead.

Much like me
myself
and my love for you.

There is no shame
in the show of color from your heart
running to meet mine,
leaping at the chance.

The contrast between
what I have, and what I need
is too plain to see.

The pain of a bed that stays empty,
more like roommates
than lovers entwined.

The ache of a heart that is longing
for yet another
that I can call mine.

The longing precedes me
with the heaviest of sighs
I am so much heavier than you thought I was
and we are both in the wrong timeline
in this shared life

I adored you, for so long
I had such love
until I was proven wrong

and now, I have this rage
this resentment, burning too bright
my feelings and selfishness
pulling the strings one by one

oh god, I want to go back
I want to go home.

There is a place in my dreams
Where I meet you for *** and cigarettes

I feel your hands on my hips, tight as ever
You never say a word
And just like the waking world,
I'm not sure if you push into me
Out of love, or out of obligation

A year ago the dreams were more pleasant
And through feeling you, I felt the love
It was so much more than enough

Ten extra minutes in the morning to lay
Awake but asleep, in the silence
In the peace of one another.

And I still love kissing the skin of your chest
And I still brush your hair and call you mine
I still miss you more than the rest
Every single second, of every minute
Every hour, every day of my life.

And in last night's dream, we did little more
Than **** and prime for cancer.

My chest in the morning, full of hurt
Aching for the dreams of days past

Where my lungs
And my heart
Were crystal clear.

Sometimes I feel so cute
wearing tall socks and short skirts
that I will send you a picture or two
so that you can see me too.

You used to get so excited to see me -
even just the pictures.
But now, if I'm lucky
I'll get a generic affirmative response
no adorable alliteration, no emoji
the equivalent of a head nod

just short and sweet enough
to rip whatever self esteem I have left
into tiny little pieces

always second guessing.

i am his moon,
though he will never say.

i lit his way through the dark.
he was never without the promise of home.

he is my sun.

five hundred and sixty days
without sunscreen.
my flesh is burnt beyond recognition.