March,
my life was in shambles. My feelings were distraught, and my mind was in another dimension.
April,
same as before. Grief, pain, misery, anger.
May,
denial. I denied this ever happening to me. How could it happen to me? No way. I’m Latia Jackson.
June,
summer time. I tried to distract myself with people and events around me, but even that didn’t work. Everything and everyone reminded me of him.
July,
I told myself everything was going to be okay. My tears were not consistent thankfully, but I still felt sharpness. I even ran into you on my worst day and I told myself I wouldn’t run.
August,
to get away from it all, I flew away for a bit. I surrounded myself with people who loved me, and I love them.
September,
my birthday month. You’re back in my life and still till this day I don’t know if it was a mistake or a blessing that it happened. But you left, for good.
October,
I was over it. I knew now that since you were gone for good it was time for new beginnings. So, I chopped my hair and got a tattoo.
November and December
they were nothing but smiles and happy moments. Emotional detox cleansings and new faces.
January,
new year new me they say. That was the truth. I vowed to leave all this behind and focus on the real picture, me. No more tears, no more worries, no more what ifs. It took me 9 months to get to where I am, and I was not going to let anything ruin it.

I had a dream.
I was there,
you were there.
We were there with your mom at her house helping,
You bragged about having a bigger refrigerator than hers,
more food to eat,
more room to do whatever.
How you didn't want to be there.
I rolled my eyes and continued helping.  
In my head I was proud you had gotten a place of your own.
We were all in the kitchen.
I remember telling a story from our past about how we ordered so much chicken,
it went to waste.
That was the only time you and I had a connection and made eye contact.
Time shifted.
There was an art festival,
and you just happened to be there with your current girlfriend.
Talk about showing off...
Flaunting her around was a lousy way of getting my attention.
I was not moved.
I woke up in laughter and realization that you no longer have power over me.

You were there when it all happened.
I dreamt of having a tattoo for years,
my day had finally come.
You decided to come with me and my sisters,
so I can have the moral support.
So many thoughts ran in my head,
"I change my mind..."
"I want to go home.."
"I don't know if I can do this!"
But you pulled me back to reality telling me if I didn't do it now I'd regret it forever.
I did it.
And you were there.
Holding my hand tight as the needle chafed against my bare skin.
I wanted to cry,
but I wanted to show you I was a big girl.
I can handle this.
Yes,
You were there when I got my first tattoo,

September 30th, 2016,
Saturday.
It was my birthday.
I was officially becoming grown in a sense.
And what other way to spend it than with you.
You took me out that day.
For tacos and a sweet dessert after.
My menstrual had fallen on that day so you tried to make it better.
It was that day, we were gifted with our son,
Theodore the Big Teddy.
Theo for short.
You know, I still have that big bear.
It takes me back to the day you bought it for me,
knowing I wished upon a star so many times for one.
Among-st all my birthdays,
that one sticks up like a flower in a grassy field.
It was my first of ever,
spending it with the love of my life.  
I thank you for making my 19th birthday a day to remember.

I was alone that night.
Because of you,
I had to walk in bravery and fear alone.
Your anger liked to stick to you like a burr plant on blue jeans.
Whatever it is I said,
it boiled you.
I walked home that night alone in darkness and in confusion as to why you weren't there protecting me at that time of need.
I couldn't let anyone know what you did to me,
it would've left a bad taste in their mouth.
No call,
no checkup,
no worry,
nothing.
You didn't seem to care about my safety until I had already made it home.
Tired,
exhausted,
sad.
You only asked because you felt bad for not caring.
At that moment,
I should've left for good.
But I stayed.

It was Halloween.
Crisp, cool, autumn afternoon.
We spent that day giving out candy to the little ones trick or treating.
There was nothing out of the ordinary besides the spooks and ghouls all around the neighborhood.
But that day took a horrible turn in a split second.
A fight had busted out down the block,
it had something to do with my loved ones.
In fear, we ran.
With no shoes on my feet,
I ran.
Knowing I have mild asthma,
I ran.
You and I were able to diffuse the fight just in time.
Everyone,
out of breath and flustered,
made it back to the porch in whole.
For some reason,
you were mad at me.
Everything I did and said boiled your blood to the point of no return.
Even when everyone was off the porch,
you were still upset.
Was it something you misunderstood?
Was it my complaints and fears?
I don't know.
Halloween spirit was ruined and the only sound in the air was the cold wind.
With your consent,
I walked into my home with no return.
"*******" is what you said to me.
**** me for leaving you out on your own,
**** me for not saying goodbye,
**** me for ruining your afternoon.
**** me, right?

Each other's houses wasn't a thing yet,
and neither one of us had a car.
Our neighbor hood was small so where else would you go?
The park.
It was the beginning of everything.
That is where we first went,
together,
to know one another.
It's where we got continuous bruises from play fights.
Where we got into heated arguments and wasted all day ignoring each other,
cuddled all day we couldn't stay away from each other.
It's where we had fruit picnics and water fights,
deep conversations about our lives and futures.
It's where we first experienced a real kiss,
witnessed our favorite, "dread head elderly couple."
It's where the wind blew and froze us in the fall,
where the sun blazed and cooked us in the summer.
We found toys and did angsty teen challenges,
got bit up by mosquitos.
We had our favorite spots,
almost as if this was our house.
I experienced small womanhood there,
We found baby birds and titled ourselves a family.
We stayed till dusk,
night.
We swore we saw a giraffe in a lady's window every time we stopped by.
I watched you grow as you watched me grow.
That park was where you finally asked me to be yours.
History began itself.

That willow tree,
that willow tree we found behind the park and between the houses.
A alley walk down where the dog would bark its head off and
where that family would barbeque with their soulful music.
That willow tree became our treehouse.
The noon sun peeked between the lengthy vines and kissed our faces.
It kept us cool when the sun was just too hot to handle.
From fruit picnics and polaroid pictures,
to a dead squirrel in the road and naked vines with tore off leaves,
It was a place we hugged.
A place we kissed,
grew,
learned,
laughed,
thought.
It was a place where people can walk by,
smile, and see how happy we were.
It was our willow tree.

In the car,
on my way back home,
a song sung to me as it traveled through my headphones to my ears.
"I've been thinkin' bout you
for quite a while,
You're on my mind everyday and every night."
It tickled my heart and warmed my soul as it continued playing.
It made me think of you.
Every lyric,
every melody,
every tempo,
It sent me straight back to you.
I had to tell you how it made me feel,
I couldn't contain it any longer.
But it's like you read my mind.
You knew exactly what song I was talking about.
You've searched for it for years, but never got the chance to find it again.
And from there on,
it became our signature song.

I'm sorry if i annoyed you.
I'm sorry if i didn't know what stop meant.
It was my fault you were getting flustered at me.
It was my fault you flung my arm away and turned your back on me,
walking off into the distance.
i tried catching up,
but my heart pinched every time I witnessed your presence stray further and further away.
All I saw was a blurred figure.
My legs started to drag behind me as I tried to hold back my tears in embarrassment.
People were around vaguely noticing the situation.
Of course, my body couldn't take it any longer.
At a nearby school,
I sat on the grassy field feeling the warm tears racing down my cheeks as the sun slowly started to hide behind the trees.
There was no way to stop the agony.
You walked back home and the day hadn't even begun for us.

I would be roadkill if it wasn't for you.
The street lights in the neighborhood were never safe.
Red meant stop and green meant go,
but no matter how long you stood,
red would stare dead at you,
never changing.
When can I walk across?
When is it safe?
If I dip a toe onto the street would the car stop?
How do I know?
The streets were so jagged and confusing it was a lost to who turns right and who's turn was it to walk.
But you.
You grabbed my hand and showed me the ropes.
You lived there much longer than me so I should know.
It didn't matter if the green would never appear,
it didn't matter how many cars drove by in a millisecond.
"When it's safe, you walk."

You knew you crushed me.
The minute you came back from your family trip, everything took a ugly turn for the hurt.
I never would've imagined myself sitting on my bathroom floor crying my eyes out as my heart ached every mid-second.
My religious beliefs shouldn't have been a major issue,
But everything I believed in you tore against it.
It's never safe to let snakes hiss in your ear.
They tell you things that change your perspective on life.
Negative perspectives.
I didn't want to leave the bathroom but I knew I couldn't stay in there forever.
You apologized the next day for your actions,
but ever since then,  
I knew it wasn't safe grounds anymore.

This was new to me.
I never in my life experienced something this raw, human, beautiful.
Of course,
I was nervous,
but my heart was safe with him and I knew I didn't want to experience that with anyone else ever again but with him.  
The pain wasn't excruciating but sharp like a small razor blade cut to the finger.
You whispered in my ear telling me everything was going to be alright.
Just breath.
Slow and steady I began to enjoy the fruits of my labor.
Everything fell into place as I started to feel what every other female felt.
Lust.
It was a brand new step to my beginnings of womanhood.
I'm glad I got to experience it with you.