I'm just watching tv
Innocently engaged
But I can't watch this anymore
After seeing that woman's face
It looked too much like my mother's...

The shiny, porous skin...
The red, wet, blue eyes
The veins standing out
Her hair, damp
Frazzled
Worried.
I'm scared to remember her face.

Sometimes,
I really miss my mom.
I miss her red cheeks,
Her frizzy, fluffy brown hair
Salted with grey...
I miss the funny sweaters she used to wear so often
The clogs she wore that clunked through the house
The sound of her needles,
Clinking together.
I miss her handwriting...
Her grocery lists
Her almond-shaped nails
The rough wrinkles on her knuckles
Her pants with the funny elastic.

And although I am almost 20 years old
I can still remember how it felt
To sit on her lap
To have her arms encircle me,
Hold me
Protect me
Love me.
And though she's left me
Shamed me
Hated me
Spit at me...
I cannot forget how it felt
To love my mother
And to be loved back.

If you find me broken by the road
Don't put me back on track.
That's what got me here in the first place
And I'm not going back.
Instead, give me an encouraging word
A pat on the shoulder,
A smile.
That'll help me get by on my own
If only for a little while.

bleed out of me
until i am empty
take away what i see
set the pain free.

i just want to feel better
i just want to be gone
i want her to see
that she is wrong.

bleed
out
of
me.

there are never enough cuts
to heal the scars
everything could seep out of me
and still they'd be

there.

Sometimes when I smell
That old familiar smell
I can still remember how it felt
To have my ears scrubbed
In our ancient bathtub....

Sometimes when it rains
I can feel the old growing pains
Shooting through my arms
As I run through our farm.

Sometimes late at night
When my body screams to turn on the light
I can still see,
Still hear
Mom and Dad fight.

Sometimes when I lose
The will to go on
I'll sit and remember
That what Mom did was wrong...
That I shouldn't die
Just because she told a lie
That I still belong
Somewhere in this song
Somewhere in these memories
Reality still breathes.

My words ****
Faster than my hands will.
Quick as a lash,
I can't take them back.

I should have been a better daughter
I should have been nicer
I should have tried harder.

But I
didn't.

You won't let me forget what I said
My anger echos in your head

I should have been
nicer.

The cuts on my wrist
Insist
On my insincerity
They wipe the clarity
From my mind.

I cut like a knife
Cutting away life
The yawning stretches of tragedy
Still haunt me.

I don't deserve peace
I don't deserve love
I don't deserve this justice
That you've talked of

Because

it was

all

my

fault.

A heart could be fixed
If all the broken pieces fit.
If one isn't so jagged
It doesn't recognize it's mate
Sometimes they can be forced back together
With just a little hate.

We will all meet again
When time has wound to an end.
We will grasp the frazzled, ragged edge
And run along it until we find
The beginning of time
And her twisted hedge.
She will clutch us against her silken blouse
And at last…
We will find our peace in that old yellow house….
Not one foul word will we remember
Not one ugly face
Not one weeping December.

It will all be as if it never took place
I won’t remember the cuts on my arm
The harm
I did to myself…
Nor the cuts I can’t see
The missing snowglobes on my mother’s shelf….

I see it everywhere.
I see it when I wake up, on the ceiling
I see it in his face
I hear it in her words.
I see it in your eyes,
When I brush my teeth, it stares me in the face.
This house,
An embodiment
Of how wrong
Everything is.

Days and nights melt together
Into a heavy grey fog

Forgetting how to smile

Your words and your face don't match
Your threats

Forgetting how to smile

I am forgetting how
to
smile

Today, I am glad it is winter.
No need to make up excuses for wearing a sweater
Until I am

                                                          

                                                                                                                better.



Little blue vein
In my wrist
Little silver knife
In my fist
I cannot decide
If I want you two to meet
I don't know whether to stay,
Or to leave...
Little
blue
vein




                                                                 bleed out the pain


Because I can't wear a sweater

                                    

                                                                                                                                                                   forever.