loving a flightless bird that didn't learn to fly.

May 2013

Redshift

eyes shining
with casualty numbers
and flashes of
bombs exploding
i can't stop watching them
replay it over and over
i'm waiting to
feel something
i am so
numb
to loss...
it's frightening

May 2013

Redshift

***** present

everyone sings about
talks about
preaches about
having a ***** past
no one tells you what to do
with a ***** coin
of a future
that erodes in your pocket
silently
but heavily

May 2013

Redshift

eat your heart out, mom. this is what you've done to me.

my blood boils
these days
i've reached
my breaking point
at any given moment
i'm ready to tear into someone
i am sick
of everything
being unfair
of being ****** over
by everyone
the family court
the law
my mom...
i'm done with it.
i'm tired of my little sister
advocating
for that *****
i will not
put up with it.
this ends
along with
my silence
i am a silent shout
a silent poem
a silent rage
no more
i cannot
be contained
**YOU WILL HEAR
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

May 2013

Redshift

calling my mom.

gather all the evidence
sort out all the papers
you're gonna get it right
this time
no arguing
she can't argue
with the truth
set all the papers out
where you can see them easily
get your phone
dial
her number
call her
at your old home
(the battlefield)

FIGHT.

she cannot resist
she cannot defeat
what is right
forever.

May 2013

Redshift

everyone goes to kentucky and leaves me

if you don't have family
you don't have anything
i don't have
anything

May 2013

Redshift

etch a sketch shake

squiggle
wiggle
etch
sketch
shake shake shake.
make a box
long lines
paint some
"i'm fine"s
shake shake shake.
if i could define
the rhyme
and meter
of my life
there'd be a knife
in there
somewhere
shake shake shake.
break
broken
breaker
empty
lake
shake shake shake.
rattle the sand
inside of me
mix it up
try to hide me
shake shake shake.
kick the wall
say "**** it"
cry in the hall
of your school
get laughed at by some tool
in skinny jeans
quake
shake shake shake.
retake
try to erase
that last mistake
(who's to blame?)
remake
everything
but it's not the same
shake
shake


                 s                                   a                                         e
           h                                       k

May 2013

Redshift

emoti-cons

i am one big
tangle
of nerves
feeling everything
without perception
rolling through the halls
picking up all the trash
left around
experiencing
incorporating
them
all the same
frazzled
ragged
i TOLD YOU
i can't talk about this
before school
i can't be MORE stressed
i can't
handle it
but you can't help it
god
why
are you
doing
this to me

May 2013

Redshift

worry lines

lists of
everything
inked on paper
remind you to do
all the things
you shouldn't have to
if i didn't have
kind of the *******
family situation
ever
there would be SO many things
i wouldn't have to think about
like getting kicked out of this house
we don't own
mom killing me
again
so much for
mother hens
dad going to jail
for not paying child support
like, what the **** are we supposed to do
WE CAN'T PAY
why am i so responsible
for all of this...
rhyme schemes can go to hell

help.

May 2013

Redshift

like mother like daughter

it takes two seconds
of chit chat
for me to get down
to why i am so angry
with you.
how could you leave me
all summer,
sister.
all the **** that we've been through
these two years...
isn't my family
divided
separated
scattered
enough?
everyone leaves.
it's easier
to just
leave
i want to leave...
but i must be the one that stays
because no one else will.
don't yell at me
for not applying to colleges
for sitting
staring
at the ceiling
slicing
my arms open
not eating
passing out
hitting my head
screaming
don't yell at me
for things you don't understand,
sister.
maybe
if i was better
if i was happier
nicer
...better...
you would want to stay here
with me.
but i guess i messed it up
just like i messed up with mom
i thought i was so good at
giving people
what they want
i never know what i want...
maybe that's the problem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jduFDgIr598

May 2013

Redshift

time's your friend until you forget it.

i'm thinking about
how long
i need
to be gone
measure
analyze
depart

May 2013

Redshift

applicability.

why do the words
"he lost the home
he grew up in
forever
and could not
cope"
jump off the page
and smack me in the face
...maybe because
all that sentence is missing
is an s
or two

May 2013

Redshift

coddling tombstones

where
will
you
be
in three
years?

i have no idea.
much less where i'll be in three weeks
even three *******
days...
hours.
why do people insist
on setting goals?
everyone pushes it on me
SET GOALS! IT'LL MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER!
the only thing
that would make my life better
is someone shooting me in the face
dramatic, maybe
but true.

dad wants to know
my sisters want to know
my friends want to know
what my plan is.
my plan is
to not have a plan
plans disappoint
and haven't i been disappointed
enough

people don't get
that you can't set goals
when you're life is more unpredictable
then a menopausal mother
when you don't know
if you'll have a home
right this second
or ever
setting goals
is setting yourself up
not for success,
like all those suits say
but for a lifetime
of regret
and a swaying noose
at 62
...how about not.

life dreams?
counselor.
performance
poet.
but they are empty
full
graves
tombstones
that i have coddled
for years
not any
more.
i will not rest my head
on a bed
made for something dead
anymore.
dead things
are not good
foundations
dead things
are not good
for coddling

they

f
         a
               l
                   l

a                         p              a                                  r                               t

May 2013

Redshift

the cost of peace

if i could have
but a minute of peace
i'd get rid of everything else i own
and buy that moment
to coddle
like a child
until time
seeps out my fingers