All this dread is setting in,
Anxiety rattling,
Attention gathering.

All it is-is catastrophic,
Running the mile,
Exhaustion,
Fighting pain.
My fault to blame?
Who knows,
Full shame,
I think I’m going insane.

My head Is spinning bout,
Brain so foggy,
Im feeling really groggy.
attention full steam,
All this stuff settling,
Appearing in a whole new setting.

Fear.
Confusion.
I’m losing,
The battle.
Attention?
Please.
I’m fighting,
I don’t need a medal.
Just listen,
To me,
I beg,
PLEASE.
I’m on my knees,
I’m fighting the stinging,
Of wasps and bees.

Plunging my stomach,
Sinking into my brain.
I think I need help.

All this dread,
All this shame,
Putting on the blame,
So many mistakes.

All uprising,
Head to the clouds.
I’m falling down,
No parachute,
And I smack the ground.
Pain radiating,
Like noise in a crowd.

Am I losing my mind,
I need to take my time.
Finding who I am,
Finding ways to take control,
Thoughts.
Clouds.
Pain.
Shame.
Dread.
Hate.
Love.
faith.

Am I enough?
Am I worthy?
Can I be someone great?
Did I make too many mistakes?

I’m HURTING.
my brain,
Is fumbling,
I’m losing a battle.

But I keep on fighting.
I got plans,
And I’m making changes,
I’m making demands.

“Its all attention seeking”
“Your asking for it”
“You act like your the only one in this world”
“How can you be someone great, if you can’t even take care of yourself”

This is what people have said to me.
It’s all setting in.
And I’m NOT going,
To stop fighting.

It’s midnight.
My pale yellow walls,
Illuminated by a faint,
Yellow glow.
My bed feels,
Like a wired rug.
Digging into my back,
Like a shovel dug to dirt.
Each fraction of movement,
Sends groans through its frame.
My pillow won’t,
Sit my head right.
My blanket is too much.
I’m worried,
it’s too late in the night.
My thoughts race like a car,
Too much to tame.
I fear the voices in my head,
Are making me go insane.
It’s midnight.
It’s late.
The world is quiet.
Except for my head.
I JUST WANT
TO GO TO BED! :(

I’m not afraid.
I know I’ll decay,
Time runs out,
And we all fall away.

Each life is a blessing,
I already had 2.
Both my other lives,
Were tragic.
Cursed by life’s ways,
—magic.  
And I hope this one,
Won’t be too.

I keep on fighting,
It’s in my blood.
Coursing my veins—
Is strength,
Tightening strong.
My other lives,
I gave up.

I was only little,
I messed up.
My other life I passed away.
Cancer took my life away.
Now Im here,
Each day I still fight,
No matter what pain,
My life,
Spites.

Death.
Is not something,
Im afraid of.
I’ll just be reborn again,
Sure I’ll be sad,
To leave this life behind.
When my time comes.
But Im not afraid,
Of death,
The way.
Most people are.

Death is natural,
I am still a fighting star.
I won’t give up,
I plan to live as long as possible.
And won’t let life,
Take me up.

My heads in the clouds.
Fears raining down.
Hearts so heavy,
Lost my strength-holding crown.

Heads so full.
so lost in a maze,
I think I'm losing it,
Like how I lost my faith.

So much pain.
So much fear.
My body is failing,
And I can only stand here.

And wait.
My heads in the clouds,
I fly up tall then i smash the ground,
Like a stone falling in.
Free fall,
I'm not okay.
I'm not fine.

But I'll keep pushing,
Even though I still decline.
I gotta stay strong,
I have another visit,
If I communicate then,
I'm stronger my wrongs.
And I can push,
past my limits.

Holding on
Holding tight
On a rollercoaster ride
Of life

Handle bars
Cranking shut
Seatbelt fastened
Taunt
Hands fly up in the air
Ups and downs
Crying— frowns
Laughing and giggles

Begs for freedom
Yet Im holding on SO tight
Hoping for some control
I WILL keep fighting
I AM enough
I AM worthy
I AM loved
I CAN do this
I CAN be anything

On this rollercoaster
There is no limits
Except for your restraint
Whitch is your border
Of dying and life
As long as your on it
Your free to fly

You can build ups and downs
Change frowns to smiles
Do twists at ever corner
Hook them into it
No matter what your going thorough
Keep fighting

And DONT be afraid
To hold on tight
Because
Everyone gets afraid
It’s a part of life
You can take me word
You can follow your path

Choices you make
Will have and impact and last
I wish you luck
On your adventures
Brave soul
If you ever need me

I’m holding on tight too
So DONT be afraid
If you need someone to hang on too

No I'm not.
I'm human,
I made mistakes,
So don't tell me I'm "perfect"
When I have,
Told lies,
Spread gossip,
Held onto darkness.
And am taking responsibility
For it.
Then trying to spread positivity.

I'm givin a gift.
I'm givin,
A story.
I'm givin,
Fun.
But I've been hurt before,
And I know all good things,
Turn bad.
whatever I'm given--
Never stays good.
I guess I realize,
That I know what comes.
From good to bad,
In a split Second,
Like the flip of a switch,
I know what comes.

Crying.
Shouting.
Laughing
Talking.

All things chanting,
All this tapping.
All the buzzing.
The beeping,
The music,
The breeze.

All things overstimulating,
In my Brain.
jumbled thoughts,
Yelling voices,
Seeing things,
That aren't there.

all things come together,
Things intertwined.
Like a out of tune harmony,
Now I'm stuck listening,
Seeing.
feeling.
It all is so--
overstimulating.

I was forced,
To give my heart.
I was forced,
To give my soul.
I was forced,
to give my thoughts.
I was forced to,
To give all of me,
As a whole.
They didn’t show no mercy.
Each attack.
They didn’t get karma,
I didn’t get revenge.
They served my life,
On a ******,
Platter.
They used me,
To there full extent.
Know I’m left wondering,
If I’ll ever come back.
To my childhood,
I dreamed of.
That I thought was perfect.
But those 2 years,
In school.
THAT day.
a physical scar,
That life,
Is a force,
That can rip your,
Life away in a second.
I still think why I let this happen.
The answer,
Is the threats.
I will forever live,
That what happened,
wasn’t true.
But I can’t help but wonder…
What would have changed—
If I had spoken up more?
If I had told them right away?
If I had fought?
But,
I was forced.
now I worry,
That even now,
I’m left here to decay.

its NOT an imaginary friend.
It’s not a dream.
It’s not fake,
It’s a REAL thing.
It’s a voice in your head,
It’s visions you get.
It’s real pain you endure,
Whether those know it or not,
It’s true,
It real.
DONT call this a bluff,
I have had ENOUGH.
people TELLING ME,
to “get over it”.
Or Im “faking it for attention”.
DO YOU THINK I WANT THIS!?
DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE HAUNTED!?
BY THE VOICES IN MY HEAD!?
24/7,
Day and night.
Alone or in public.
In a bathroom or in a mall,
It’s always there— taunting me.
Hoping I trip and fall.
The blood…
The eyes,
It’s all a disguise.
Only meant for my eyes.
So DONT YOU DARE!?
Tell me it’s fake.
Because I’m fighting,
Voices.
who GIVE NO grace.

Scratched
Worn
Splintered  
Torn
I hang on
But who knows how long

This piece of driftwood
In the open—raging sea
Pummeling me and this driftwood
Far away from land
In a surging storm
Me at to rip away the weak

I try so much
I cry all day
I beg for mercy
On most of my days
This pain
The nausea
The dizzy spells
All the times I *****
Because I can’t keep things down

Or how about my anxiety
My hallucinations too
It’s not fair
That the medication isn’t doing
what it’s supposed too

I try and try
But I fail and fall
And I collapse
So much
Ive fainted before

If you ask me if
“Im alright”
I’ll say “Im fine”
And move on with my life
Because no matter
What I have to keep fighting
I know that Theve tried
I know there trying
But what there doing isn’t enough
And I’m hurting

So here I am
On a driftwood out to sea
Fighting brutal storm
Pushing me
I don’t know the last time
I was free

But
At least I know
I have energy left
To keep up the mask
And I know that in this space
I can be me
And spill out
My battles

Like this painful
Ride
Whitch I will try
To fight
And let myself be me

The cycle.
Day and night.
This daily fight.
Just to survive.
What is this cycle ?
You may ask?
Well it goes like this,
And everyday it lasts.
I eat.
I get nauseous.
I gag.
I *****.
I can’t keep food down,
I can’t keep liquids down,
I don’t feel hunger,
I’m afraid to eat.
So—in turn I don’t eat,
or drink at all.
Till my body breaks-
and I collapse,
Or fall.
Then it repeats,
Putting it back into me.
Even though I’m afraid,
And I find no reason why,
To keep eating,
If I can’t keep it down,
In the first place.
This is what life is like,
With disorders,
And illness.
My body repeats this cycle,
But the doctors try to postpone it.
Still with no success…

That day.
That life.
That pastime.
That fright.
When I was left,
Behind that stair,
Crying.
No one else knew I was there.
That blood.
Those bruises.
That pain,
I’ve tried to fight through it.
But the weight,
That it holds.
That the fact,
No one even knew.
Those scars.
That blood.
Dripping down my face,
Into my eyes,
Down my throat,
Blood pooling at my feet.
Sitting there,
in time of need.
That day.
That led,
To fighting,
For life.
Those flashbacks,  
Of when they pulled me into that hallway.
School.
Crime.
Turned on there “other” face,
And destroyed my hope,
That the world can be great.
That blood.
Will forever,
Remain in my memory.
That pain I felt will never be gone,
The pain that day.
That nobody noticed or saw.
That day,
Was what hurt me the most.
That day.