I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a bridge that's burning on both ends.

I feel angry at men, and society, and my ex, and myself, and God, and the world, and everything.

The anger is like a bitter fire that's warm, that builds up inside but doesn't get quite hot enough to burn me.

At this stage in life, I finally feel like an adult.

I have a ton of **** to figure out and do by myself. I have to figure out how to get a place and pay rent and apply to jobs and get experience.

Because that's what being an adult is, right?

I was always independent, and I love my independence, but this is one of those moments where people say they wish they were a kid again when life was good and they didn't have to get their *** up and do ****.

My life wasn't good as a kid.
It's turning good now.
I guess.

I just feel the burn
of having to work my *** off
my entire life
and not get a slap on the back.

I'm putting in 100% effort and getting nothing for it.

I complain about that in my mind
But nobody will ever really know
and nobody will ever really care
All I can do is write poetry about it.

The truth is
is that I'm slowly letting go of my grudges.
And that drives me insane.
My mind is fighting tooth and nail to become livid!

when will I have sweet love
he looks into my eyes
and stares so deep
knowing I am the one
it all feels
like a perfect song
and the blissful emotions
rise and fall
as all I've ever wanted
falls right into my hands.

when will I be taken care of
when will I be
given everything
that no one ever gave me
when will someone love me
without hurting me
when will they say
"I love you"
and mean it?

when will I feel safe
to share my body
and sexuality
with another person
when will I
be able to relax
because he doesn't
make me feel any stress
when will I have
to not worry
about my safety
or constantly check
to see if I'm
being manipulated
when will I
be finally be able
to lower my defenses

when will I
stop feeling hopeless
scared
when will I
feel what it's like
to be inside my body
and not feel insecure
not feel men
look me up and down
like thirsty dogs
trying to aggressively
have *** with me

when will I be happy
when will I have
this love
that lasts forever
that makes me feel
like a little sun
is inside my heart
burning all the
darkness away

and when
will I have
someone accept me
for who I am
the fact that
I'm ****** up
I have mood swings
I get angry
sometimes
I age regress
back into
a child
I have kinks
that are weird
I do the opposite
of what I say
because it's hard
for me to be vulnerable
I have a history
of abuse
and being manipulated
over and over again
I feel tired
and overwhelmed
I am so
sick and tired
of being strong
for everyone else
and taking care
of everything by myself
all the ******* time
but then
being told
that I'm too much.

when will I
attract someone
that is handsome
so I don't
have to feel like
I always have to settle
and then made guilty
cause "looks don't matter"
"be grateful"
none of these dudes
are in my league.

and that's why
they're always
cheating on me.

when will I
have to stop wondering
and fantasizing
about all these things?
when will it not
leave knots in my heart
in my stomach
when I see
a happy couple
holding hands
and it brings me to tears
because I wish I had that
so badly.

I prayed for it
it makes me cry
and hurt
it looks
so effortless
they're smiling
and holding hands
and I just
want to know
the secret
I just
want to know
what's wrong with me
I just
want to know
how long it will take

I just
want to know
when it will happen.

Does it break you
To imagine me
Crying all night
To make the pain stop?

I cried myself to sleep
And woke up depressed
Like a block on concrete
Upon my chest

I questioned God
And begged him to make it stop
I rotted away in my bed
I felt like I was dead

For months, I felt empty
And I couldnt eat
My whole body was numb
And my heart didn't beat

No one saved me
No one helped me
And it left a void in my chest
I keep trying to feel

Im detached from reality
And nothing is real
Theres gaps in my memory
Some parts are blank

I'm mentally ill
And have you to thank
You broke my heart
And broke my soul

You made me feel worthless
And I sacrificed myself
I ditched my own God
To worship you

I was unconscious
You destroyed me
And everyone thought
It was funny.

My moods are unstable
It took years to gain control
Like navigating an ocean
When your ship is full of holes

It all went to my head
It would painfully ring
When words couldn't be said,
The migraines would sing

I need you so bad
That I wanted to die
You make me so wet
And without you I'm dry

Without you I'm nothing
I'm simply your slave
I'm addicted to you
You're all that I crave

I let you abuse me
Until I lose my mind
And the monster within me
Developed within time.

I wanted to ****** you
With all of my heart
The light within me
Shadowed by the dark

I fantasized about it
Your blood on my hands
Your body an object
That I control

The light and the dark
Is what makes me whole
You ruined my life
You tortured my core

And now I don't know
Who I am anymore.
By going within,
By exploring the deep,

I know who I am.
Inside me it sleeps.
The person I am
Is you.

Four years ago, I died
I've lived my life a lie
I felt inside my heart
an ever-loving guide
I prayed, and prayed for love
while looking up above
tears rolling down my eyes
I closed them as I cried

I begged and begged,
and when I lay my head to rest,
I wondered why
I was treated so much less
I kept looking up to the sky
a hole with emptiness
and I had no one else to rely,
and with nothing to hide

with my heart, I confessed. . .
you could say that I'm blessed
with all that I've lost
I've gained so much wisdom
but at what cost?
I don't think that it's worth it
I don't think that I'm happy
I understand my purpose;
I don't accept it gladly.

I've lost my religion
it wasn't my decision
after all, I guess I don't always value the truth.
but I've been through so much pain
to me, it is all in vain,
what was sacrificed of my youth.

So much love lost
memories cold
in the attic of our minds
I would love
to talk to you again
but I know
it's a waste of time.

I remember
your sweet smile
when we were in love
I was naive
and the world was bright
I thought I had it all.

And now
and it's as if
I live between
then and now
who I was
and who I am
are a girl
and a woman
with a long distance
between them.

A beauty
with curves
and skin
brown
like the earth
mixed with clay
and her eyes
shaped like big almonds
with eyelashes
like black butterflies
fluttering
on her face
her ******* are milky
her waist
is wide
her hips
are even
with a gap
between her thighs
her lips
are luscious
she kills
with her smile
her gaze
is deadly
her legs
are long
she looks
like a painting
she walks
with grace
her flesh
is glowing
the world
is erased
when she dances
its hyponotizing
when she stops
time freezes
with her playful feet,
and her hands so neat,
she flirts
and teases.

You saved me from my pain
by filling up my heart
with a love plastic and fake
that quickly fell apart

Our empire of love
was built upon a lie
But I love you still,
and that love will never die

You were my hero,
and I was your zero
You were my trophy,
and I was your prize

I wanted to keep you, always wanted to be near you
but I was an object inside of your eyes.
Your lies were crystal, in my rear mirror,
I was secret that you bled to hide

You were my lover, my one and only,
but I was a shadow in the shape of your lust.
I was so young, and I am naive
been too many years, yet I still stand to grieve

I always wear my heart on my sleeve
and you grab my wrist to prey on me;
I have no one to pray to
and although in this world I am free,

you are the one I'm a slave to
my childhood belief is that you'll set me free,
although you search for someone to save you
what a dangerous thing to have made you.

My soul heavy, chasing material desires
Frustrated by the iron chains that hold me down
Heavy on me,
sinking me
into hot
scorching
magma.

As I try to become more and more God-like,
I get filled with more emptiness
more nothingness
I cremate
into ashes
and scatter across the void

I feel the horror
and anger
and fear
and whatever it is
and an inability to understand.

I feel paranoid
and confused
and just wished it was all clear

I feel stupid

And I'm sorry.

Out and about
random memories pop in my head
I just wander, feeling defeated

Trying to relax
sometimes I become distracted
by misty thoughts, thick like clouds

I become proud as my mind becomes silent
And walk away

Feeling the comfort and security
That nobody's thinking about me