For the record, I don’t give a ****.
I haven’t given one since the day I dropped “Hollywood”, really.
For the better, I don’t push my luck.
I haven’t had a lucky streak since the day that never came.
For the record, I’ve never had a movie night on Valentine’s Day that turned into a French kiss marathon under the projector
I’ve never sat abreast on bleachers with my head on someone’s shoulder, feeling normal, listening out for a taco truck, ******* hating the heat but loving the breeze.
And loving the track he thought was fire enough to share with me.
If I were to share one, I’d play “Thinking Of You” by Sister Sledge, be like “I love the lyrics, they make me think of you”,
but I never got to say that.
The only thing that ****** me raw was life and it wasn’t even that good.
It wasn’t addicting.
It was nowhere near good.
For the record, I’ve never been to prom and I’m blessed to not have gone.
I wouldn’t dare dance my own way and my way is taboo, an elephant in the room.
Not even the scent of my perfume or a wine topper going off could give me confidence to be honest with myself,
to stop being an average bystander just to become part of the background or a meek voice that’s sinking into traffic south of El Sereno.
I don’t want what’s expected of me, please stop asking.
Find me out at El Camino, but please stop writing my life for me.
I don’t wanna have kids, I don’t want a wedding.
I don’t want a “wife plus kids” happy ever after package.
I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want this.
For the record, I’ve never had a Netflix session gone ****** and my favorite memory is my first day in LA.
I’ve never kissed anyone in the school’s restroom and then ran out cause our song was on, was part of a party’s tracklist.
That’s why I’m setting the record straight, I’m done showing a facade that’s fake.
The only thing that ****** me was life and it wasn’t satisfying
I liked smoking more
but I’ve only smoked five cigarettes.

I think I’m alive to have butterflies
run around like a sociopath with my butterfly net and like every one I catch
be like “You’re so ******* beautiful, but I have a hundred just like you”
this is me being honest.
I think I exist to have eyes for guys
change them like clothes when I find better looking ones that don’t suit me anyway
Oh, lord have mercy, I’m simping my way into my grave.
I think I’m alive to be all smiles
I’m a ****** of adrenaline that gets me hyperventilating and dilates my eyes
Keeps me up until 3, forces to contemplate what I’m losing and what I can save
Oh, lord have mercy, I’m ******* my way into my grave.
He’d make me sing like na na na na na.
*** on bleachers, hearing Bananarama.
Sit next to me like “Ayo, Lana Banana, where’s the smile on your face, today’s mine or your place?”
These cheerleaders have sun bright futures, all I’ve is decay, but you, Juan, you can take me to your place.
I don’t want ***, I want a hug. A friendly face amidst these *******, a seat next to you in the back of the bus, this was supposed to be my heartstopper, what went wrong?
I got to feel like Charlie for a day, now I’m the gay cousin, it’s official, my heart’s wants are superficial, phone’s still not buzzing.
I used to be interrogated at family functions about my love life, I had none to little.
I used to ride in the back of the school bus with all the coolest people.
I have a bi pride flag baptized with a water cannon by a drag queen in a fabulous orange wig.
I sang Lady Gaga on a pride parade, I saw a cute gay couple and it made me think why not me?
But then I thought that one day it will be worth sitting alone and keeping love confessions at the tip of my tongue, believe me when I say I deserved better.
This year I’ll get the luxury of living a life.
I pray for it when I lay down in bed.
For the record, I want everything I never had.
To be honest, if you’re on board, just don’t be delicate.

I keep a few bucks for a rainy day,
just in case I fall too hard for you and I’ll think I can’t escape.
I keep them for a fortune teller’s say
so they’ll divine our souls’ whereabouts in a couple years.

I don’t wanna chase
My legs and heart are sore
I don’t wanna chase you
If I will never catch you

But if you take a glance under all of my layers
Climb over the fence that’s immune to prayers
I’ll love you
I’ll give you every smile I have
I’ll love you
Like I should’ve loved myself.
I’ll love you like a painting when you’re 60 and your beauty’s fading.
I’ll love you like I love Amy.
I’ll love you like Red Hot Chili Peppers love California in mañana.
I’ll love you like I love Lana.
I’ll love you when you lose yourself and whimper like a baby.
I’ll love you like I love David.
I’ll love you from a booth in the Midwest if all we’ll get is calling.
I’ll love you like I love Joni.
I’ll love you when the trees are naked and they’re green and leafy.
I’ll love you like I love Stevie.
Because it’s ****** to walk alone
Alone at heart at lonely roads, so listen:
I’ll love you like I should’ve loved myself
You make me feel exceptional, but I need a tarot reading
You make me feel unique, but my heart and legs are weary
I’ll love you if you let me love you
if you hear the desperation that I so don’t try to hide
and with those few bucks I’ve been holding on to
I’ll buy you something sweet - you seem the sweet type of guy.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

This is divine providence
Heart shaped arrows tipped with strophanthus
This is not deliverance
Love potions leave you with a bitter aftertaste
Now I’m waiting for summer to come
Now I’m grateful for no roses in my house
I didn’t assign my soul to another
And I didn’t confess when I wanted to
This is divine providence
I know from a gypsy in Providence, Rhode Island, provided I wasn’t jinxed.
I’m still up for Portsmouth, New Hampshire, slowly dance eyes up, still looking at the wandering stars above.
This is divine providence
This is no coincidence
I don’t know what to believe
Amidst cosmic ambivalence
This is divine providence
This is divine interference
I can see it clearly now
This is divine involvement

˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩
˚:✧ ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩
˚:✧ ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆*˚✩

I’ve been thinking about relationships lately, I think I see it now, I don’t want a brighter light, I want someone equally ****** up, someone who has it worse than I.
Someone all over the place, gullible, no offense, head in New York, but heart left in California, someone who loves what I love, stars-and-stripes-minded.
I don’t do what’s typical of me, I don’t catch feelings easily, I’m changing, I’m running from soft penitentiaries, I don’t admit I’m catching feelings, I don’t want a part two.
Love wronged me once, it was one-sided, I’m bad at holding my horses, running away from them, thinking I’m better off, somewhere off the Golden Coast in a cheap apartment.
Working the tables, someone once said it was possible, he made it, I haven’t yet, I don’t think, I get going to get that plane ticket and take a gamble with my life.
I’ll fall in love eventually, tell him about what I want and if he wants the same thing, then this is the meta of our sufferings, pack his things, wait for him to hit me up.
I’ll be walking by Barnes & Nobles with somebody’s hand in mine one way or another, I won’t be a father, only a disappointment to many but a hero in my eyes.
I’ll find someone whom I’ll love more than America and I’ll find a way to make it work, if we sink we’ll go Jack and Rose style, sinking with the ship.
Insomniac on the stoop or with a cup of cold tea looking at the flashing lights of the city I love, worrying for the man I love, thinking Sylvia by the stove.
But I’ll be the opposite of suicidal, high on ******* oxytocin coursing through my body like fire, that’s one hell of a reason to live, to be someone’s go to person to cry.
I’m channeling Joni Mitchell, I can’t conceal emotions, listen to “Song For Sharon” by a bay in my mind, clutch the wrist of my dream life and pretend I’m alright.
I see blur when I think of the future, I see palm trees through that blur, if you shiver thinking ahead, marry me, we’ll tremble together, naked in the glass room.
I try to be nice and be the light in the tunnel, but I’ve got like one day left, full disclosure, I’m so into you, because we’re not that different, actually quite resemblant.
We’re equally passionate about what drives us, but baby there’s like hundreds other people like us, if you’re not the one, whatever, I’ll be alright either way.
I will always be fine, I think that’s my curse, cause I overthink the simplest things, I refuse to die, I had pericarditis, I thought I was at the end of the line.
But I’m resilient, I’m faithful, I’m not letting go of the core of my heart, but I’m leaving the door open, turning a blind eye, come in with your problems, entry here.
I’ll listen to you cry, I’ll surround you with my arms, give you safety and be all ears, this is what I like in guys, not posing to be strong, I’m standing with open arms.
You have my number, but don’t live rent free in my mind, I got problems, rock and hard place, I’m playing a game you can’t lose or win, I’m stuck, but it’s essential I do this.
I’m out there looking, searching with my head up for someone who’ll call me pretty in my worst times, not tell me to be smart, but be reckless with me.
This ain’t a family thing, but I leave if you don’t make me stay, my heart’s like a river, often goes different ways, I’ll give you everything I have, I can promise that.
I have no heart of steel, but it’s not paper either, I want the **** out of the things I love, I’m possessive and that is my weakness, I can’t have everything I like.
And I want someone just alike, be adventurous, get on a bike and ride to the sunset, won’t drink and drive, I’ll be high on love hormones, wind brushing my blond hair aside.
Yeah I want that, someone who’s not afraid to cry, not be alright, cause I know if I’m ******, I’ll get ****** and it’ll be fine, I wanna be taken care of sometimes.
I want someone who knows what they’re doing, guy with experience and beautiful eyes, cause I’m a lover of beauty, admirer of Mother and Father’s grand creation.
I went on vacation to America, I saw LA, and Vegas and San Francisco, but that was the happiest I’ve felt in my sorry life, I thought afterwards I’d be fine.
Don’t understand why not, I had nothing else to live for or so I thought, I ran like set on fire when I caught glimpse of love in the rear view mirror of the black coach.
I think I want a new thing from life and that is to commit to a thing so impossible but doable and needed but scary, relive it’s what I feared so I ran, but it was a treadmill I ran on.
I’ll find a way to connect with somebody, comparing the bullet wounds of words and deeds done to assassinate our feelings, my thoughts are with me all the time.
I’ll be fine if I try, but tonight I’m alone in my room, no attachment to nobody, kinda loving my body, but I’m not loving my scars and resentment, he maybe’ll help me.
I’ll be good as long as I’m with someone who’ll understand why I can’t call nobody up like I used to, I’m chasing quite different dreams these days.
Who knows me, they get I don’t bend or break, I’ll stand tall beside him like sequoias from King’s Canyon, California, it means a lot to me when I see that in a guy.
I’m waltzing through *******, it washes right off, I’m unphased, not unhinged, not desperate but I’m feeling as though I’ll need someone soon or I’ll cry.
I’m never returning to my ways, I’ll be back in the States, I don’t know when, I don’t know how but I’ll be there, mentally I’m there now, in a Rosemead motel room.
I’m flying to the moon on a spaceship, Major Tom, I’m in space, I’m a goner, I left my telephone, I don’t wanna be contacted or contradicted, I wanna cry.
But not exactly cause I’m sad, cause I’m not, I don’t cry about wasted opportunities or wasting my life, I don’t go to parties, I don’t dance, but I sing lullabies.
I wanna cry because I’m no longer dead inside, I said I wasn’t afraid of anything and that wasn’t a lie, I know what I want, kiss him on his lips, talk about PTSD.
It’s tragically beautiful and beautifully invented, two souls once tormented now fly high like kites torn away from children’s hands on windy days, fly super high.
I’ll be fine when the time is right, I’ll find love, I don’t care if I’m two guys or a million off, cause you learn all your life and trial and error is how you determine your destiny.
I’m not giving up, I’m quite getting started, America I’m coming home, fireworks lit when I land in whichever airport I choose, that’s not important, I’ll be fine.

I’m your boyfriend, not your devotee
This ain’t a cult, this ain’t a church,
Your name’s not written over me.
I love you but you’re not my everything
cause when you’re down I lose the ground under my feet
the sinkholes spread, can’t fill the gaps, can’t but I need
and yeah, I’m falling too.
And who’s meant to save me then?
I need you, but you’re not everything I need
cause when it’s too hard to love you I can’t rest my head to sleep
when I close my eyes you’re the prettiest thing I see
but I love you to feel free
not wait for you to leave me,
cause I can’t commit anymore.
Not to look for a reason to leave you for someone easier to love
and it’s not cause I’m too afraid to start from scratch with a foreign guy.
I’m your boyfriend, not your attorney
I love you but you’re not all I think about.

A woman named Grace once said she was afraid to love and the same thing terrified me.
That I didn’t love myself I knew, but the thought if something grew around mine and someone else’s chests made me run and don’t look back.
I was afraid to love.
Scared to unveil my heart.
I was afraid of love.
I was…

I pushed 18 when they started asking, and I kept saying I was looking, but I wasn’t
and that was a white lie for them, but something larger for me.
It’s that I didn’t trust me.
I didn’t wanna change, but felt like I had to, cause when I saw myself I knew I wasn’t meant to hear “I love you”.
It’s one of those things easier said than heard.
I was afraid to try, mind at bedlam, hugging ferns.
Looking for comfort in the trees.
Discovering beautiful things.
I love the overgrown pond outback to name one, but that’s not the notion of it
It made me realize one thing:
Everything’s beautiful in its own peculiar way, and so am I.
I was terrified.
But now I’m like
I’ll give love a try.

A woman named Grace once said she ran from things she feared would **** her.
I was scared of riding horses like her,
let alone deliver my heart to a man.
I was scared but I’m fearless now.
I’m high on oxytocin now.
I was scared to open up like her,
to spread myself open like a book for him.
I was scared but I’m fearless now.
I’m drunk on his memories now.

And maybe it’s a bad thing.
Maybe I’m stupid again.
Or maybe this was destined,
destined to happen to me.
And maybe I was meant to open up.
Maybe I was meant to conquer my fear.
Or maybe I was on the right path,
one where love doesn’t scare me.

I was afraid but I’m not.
I was afraid but now I’m not.
I was afraid of love.
I was…

I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers when he texted me.
The time was a minute forty four on “**** My Kiss”.
He gave me the second best day of my life.
Second after my first night at San Gabriel Blvd.
And also the second cause it didn’t feel unreal.

On and on I’ve hushed my heart and day by day it wept in dark.
My lips felt heavier than metal to raise
to say what my heart wanted
but my head had all the say.
I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers and half a day away
to let my heart scream and yell and shout and say whatever the hell it’s been holding in for two decades.
That was the realest I’ve felt in my life.

I was thinking of letting my heart break a little when he texted me.
I was ready to just let myself run it into madness just to feel something.
I knew it would hurt
but pain is better than nothing.
On and on I’ve told myself to shut up and wait for someone to like me
cause I’m not likable when I’m trying
but I did something crazy
at the moment of writing this - 1:55, I don’t even trust the flow of my life anymore
I look for the catch, cause this is better than I’ve ever had.
Or maybe I’m a little lovesickly paranoid.
I hated to hope, hoped it would get better and I hated that though.
I made God a promise, if he gives, I’ll find the better in me and on and on I’ve watched them walk away, watch them vanish like smoke till one prayer away.
I almost tried to find a way
to find somebody to fill the gap - it was either that or I’d crush my numb heart in my hands, just to feel something, even if it was pain.

I’ve never shown a guy I like him until he texted me on minute 1:44
That number must mean something
like the date of the day that my very soul could see a light in that tunnel
and I think it’s divine providence that I walked through a tunnel that night
the night that my heart felt something other than pain and it was more beautiful than beautiful, it was perfect.
As of writing this poem, a day after the second best day of my life,
I don’t know where I’m going.
And I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I’ve never felt this real.
Here’s a note to future self, I don’t know how things will play out.
But I’m glad you …… .. ….
I’m glad you let him into your heart, even if you didn’t know if he wasn’t going to break it in half.
I don’t know yet if he ….. ...
What I know is I …. ….
I showed him that I …. ….
So future self, intact or not
Just know I’m curious to hear it
I hope you’re happier
I’m happy now
I finally opened up
I’m really proud.

I’m so ******* high on stardust, I inject glitter into my bloodstream.
I live in no fairytale and that a prince won’t find me is highly likely.
I only write stories about longing, after all that’s all I feel.
But I’m good with the pen, have a soul of a poet, I’m creative.
So I grab my calligraphy pen and I write your name in cursive, then I take one breath and write mine next to yours.
It’s an untitled story, an unpublished romance and I’m not sorry for any nuance woven into it.
I take his proposition.
Ask my everwishing soul to speak sweet compliments like someone playing the harp.
I polish my blue eyes like sapphires, let them sparkle in the glow of big round emeralds,
and that is the start.
That is the start.

Where do I continue, I wonder.
Friends first or lovers, I ponder.
For realism I’ll make it meander and weave in a couple of tears wet nights so when all the lights turn back at them, he would grow fonder and realize he loves him so much.
But my pen is just an object, I’m the object of some grand plan, I’d try to paint what I crave so bad, but even the greatest painters fail, cause love is hard.
Play my song, take a cruise under overpasses in West Oakland, California is home, but if he won’t come I think I won’t go.
And that is the draft.
That is the draft.

After many ripped out pages and grenadine flavored drinks, I can’t write the conclusion.
I don’t wanna be there yet
I don’t wanna skip past that
I don’t wanna climb that high
Cause if I fall, may not stand up.
I leave my calligraphy pen, shut the pages provisionally, then I get undressed and swim in the glittering stars.
And that is the ending for now.
That is the ending for now.

The sound of glass smashing is a pang to the ears, but I’ve learned real beauty comes from broken things.

Drip
I hear water in the gutter
One upside of a broken heart is that I can write, lose guys so I can write about them.
Slip.
Here they fall through my hands just like sand from beaches.
Might sacrifice one night, wake up with red bloodshot eyes, but this poem would be beautifully written.

Most never liked me, RIP.
I had my eyes on them, but they never looked at me.
Most I’ve never talked to, RIP.
He was my realest, but he turned out to be just another poem.

Drip
I hear rain on the windowsill
I guess the good thing is I had fun with him
Crack
I’m broken again
I’m smashed along the edges of my first shattering and that’s along the edges of extreme masochism
that I let my heart break to write this poem.
Drip
Water’s dripping off my face, I’m in the shower.

The view of glass breaking is painful for the eye to see, but now I know that real beauty comes from broken things.

Will this be my best year, best year?
I’m at the frontier of golf courses, where the sun is up and blinding and the hills are green.
Will the next one stay here, stay here?
Will he call me beautiful?
Will he not succumb to the spell of fairytales snapping in the soul?
If I find him I think I might stop being a poet, a poet.
Cause happiness didn’t bring me to my notepad.
If he wants, I’ll write him a poem,
but it would be pretty bad.
Cause I’m only good when I’m lonely, lonely.
I never said I love you to a man.
I never had a man say I love you to me, only that I was hot and he wanted to **** me.
But if I do I’ll find beauty in being with somebody else, but for now I think
that beauty comes from broken things, broken things.

Daddy was a sailor, but I stuck to toy ships in the bathtub - and it’s only as far as I got into the deep waters.
I swam a flash of a lifetime and only as far as the watchful eye of the lighthouse could see.
Past that range I never set my anchor in, but that didn’t stop me from gazing ahead through my sextant’s cracked lens.
I ran my fingers across the nautical chart and all the bays were just circles I kept walking in the dark, but I threw wood into the hearth to keep myself from freezing.
I kept me warm when times got rough.
My home is like a port side, but there’s a nautical knot around my heart.
My quarters are in cobwebs and the door is boarded up.
I write so it’ll get better, but all a sailor says is lies.
How do I lose the great whites biting into the stern of my boat?
I didn’t want to sink.
So I headed back to the port.
Lord enlighten me and let my heart go on.

My hotheadedness I take after my grandfather and my softheartedness from Jesus himself.
I’m trying my best to be brave like my father but the wind and the waves and the deep waters, they scare me off.
I feel a little adventurous, but that’s a feeling that washes off, when the tides rise or lightning strikes or when I see another boat.
My heart is covered in nautical knots and I shoot flares into the sky, only so when I get heard I sail back to hide
in the cold navy naiveness.
Lord give me strength to be brave like them.

My old man upstairs, he loves to remind me of what I think I need.
14 dreams in, I need to make up my mind or start writing my will.
I try so hard to lose the great whites
to free my heart and have it go on like a tugboat of a drunken sailor fallen overboard.
My man one floor higher, he sometimes brings me to heights higher and higher.
He watches me sweat fighting fire with fire
but I can’t keep falling for someone new just to forget the one before him.
I’m quietly hoping
I’m quite nearly there
off the desired shore
of the Avalon Island.
My father was a sailor, but he threw in the towel for a reason I don’t know, I played with wooden ships in the four walls of my home.
I never sailed so far off that land merged into sky and everything was blue, the sea, the skies and I.
So lord enlighten me and say how long to wait, divine me coordinates when it’s right.
Let my heart float away like a letter in a bottle thrown astray to that one person a billion waves away.
Avalon is an island far away, but distance is a made up thing.
It doesn’t matter if I’ll have you here, cause in heaven I’ll have everything.

Take a swim in my stream of consciousness and realize how cold it is, only dead fishes of forgiveness and diamonds nobody could fit into their rings.
You always ask how I am, never what I cry about.
If you’re a man of transparency, take off your clothes and dive into my heart, jump into my heart, leap into my heart.
I come with no strings attached and go the way I came, if you want me to stay then build me a dam and follow me upriver to keep me from the oceans.
Power me with rains, listen to me in the driest times and understand me, level with me, get to know me.
Just don’t ask if I’m fine.
I cry every time I remember that everyone I know will once die, I cry for them when they’re alive.
I lose people and then I lose me, it drives my thoughts to the beach and not because I wanna sun on the sand but go for a real long swim.
I don’t wanna get married out of fear of outliving my husband.
I would die,
if invested in something so immense and convoluted to lose it,
not gonna lie.
Last time I had everything I wanted was in middle school.
Half of my ex classmates are either married or parents.
And I’m over here afraid to get attached.
I watch the mandala spin through a translucent lens, I bought a puppy just a week after I lost my dog of 11 years.
Last time I saw him he was by the metal gate up front, half alive, I tried to try to alleviate his pain, and then he was gone.
I only cried when I was alone, because I had to be strong, I tried to alleviate my pain by drowning it out in a hot bathtub, but time mended me, it has all along.
I remember my great grandmother, I used to come over every day after preschool for a cookie and then I took my final bite.
I don’t know how I felt, but it was the real life baptism I feel I never had until March.
And what can I do other than watch the mandala spin?
I look out the public transport window and watch the fronts of houses pass in front of me in blur and it’s making me dizzy.
And then I remember my new year’s resolution and it terrifies me that it’s May already.
Last time I saw my friend she wasn’t even pregnant and now she’s a mother and the other I watched get erased from my routine like gusts of autumnal wind blowing at a pile of dead and fallen leaves.
Why do I feel accomplished that she broke up with her boyfriend, I used to care but now I’m a stranger.
I miss all of them, the dead, the alive, in fact I am not the same person as in middle school, not him from the San Gabe Motel 6 poolside and now I’m giving love a go, wasn’t that long ago, I’m so much different now.
At this rate I’ll be dead before I know it, but I’m only 20 and I can still make something out of what I have left.
I don’t know how to stop running, but I must’ve been enchanted or cursed to run and run and run until I’m done.
Peggy was 24 when she climbed up the Hollywood Sign and jumped.
That’s a way to go, I thought in my darkest times.
I come with no strings attached and go the way I came.
I love myself but not like I loved the people I ran away from.
I’ll open up my heart for you, make it livable, beautiful, capable.
Swim naked in my consciousness, surface of an arid planet and watch life bloom out of me.
I’m so ******* happy some days, but sometimes I catch myself thinking of beach days during stormy weather.
I can cherish who I love, no one’s gone forever.
I’m not gone forever.
Don’t ask if I’m happy, but act as if I’m not.
Hold me close enough so that I can’t run.
Make me feel irreplaceable for the first time ever.
Dive into my heart with no clothes whatsoever.
I pray to God to wrap a divine blanket over my people, I love them wholeheartedly, cause I can’t love another way.
If there’s a link between us, a string I can’t see or I’m unaware of, preserve it.
I say I go in and out of people’s lives unattached, I hope I’m dead wrong.
I may seem like I don’t but I care.
Angel, Felix, Leah - keep your eyes up.
Val, Rosemead, Petra - I wish you the best.
Gabe, Aaron, Charlie - may you live happily.
Ajay, Eric, Max - thank you for those years.
Jay, Lizzy, Steph - I’m forever grateful.
Barb, Annie, Hannah - know I’m doing great.
Tom, Dylan, Mexico - I remember you too.
Colleen, the guys, Caroline - I still love you.
Nina, Maggie, Martin - hope you’re smiling now.
Modern god, Zack, Alex - best of things in life.
Margaret, Vic, Sher - be happy forever.
Glo, Coyote, Court - move toward the better.
Ash, Alex, Jack - all the sweetest things.
Ellen, Alice, the fires - don’t go anywhere.
My family, my friends, my lovers.
I have you in my corner.

Somewhere off the coast of Maine they caught a lobster that was blue and the odds of that happening were lower than me finding love that’s true.
When will be my time?
When will I get found?
Do I wanna get found?
Ask myself this very important question.

Got a list of things to improve to make myself beautiful, I do have some things I’ve left to do to make myself visible
to men.
Men with rigid fishing nets on wooden watertight ships, others sticking out their heads, but I’m still elusive
to them.
Catch me if you dare, can’t promise I won’t slip away.

I’m not feeling beautiful and I’m real hard to catch.
I’m feeling exceptional, but not necessarily rare.
I’m not feeling lovable, I got a list of things I’d change.
Don’t you get accustomed to me, you won’t see him again.
Unless…

Unless you come to the shallow estuary I’m in right now, place me in your palm and lift me out of the water like the most fragile thing.
Do me the honor of being your boyfriend.
I can make wonders happen if you let me make you happy.
I have good intentions but also bad encounters in my past.
If you do me the honor of being my boyfriend I can bring new meaning to blue.
Make it no longer a color of sadness but pride of my rarity.
I have magic in my name, water in my blue eyes.
Get me to love me and love me, boy, show me how.

Don’t just say I’m beautiful, but make me believe it.
Don’t make me beautiful, make me a believer.
I’ve been feeling blue and there’s nothing rare about it.
Make me feel exceptional, a blue lobster.
Don’t pour sea foam into my eyes and maybe you’ll catch me.
Don’t gaslight me, elucidate me instead.
I’ve been hiding in deep blue waters where no one could find me.
But deep down I dreamed of the surface.

Make me believe
Teach me about pride
Do me the honor of being yours
Catch me if you can
Give me reasons to stay
Teach me about love and I’ll do you the honor of being yours
and I’ll finally feel proud to be blue.
Love me and get me to love me.

[Part 1 - Undone]
I got in the shower with my headphones on, listened to my favorite singer sing about getting naked and I haven’t related to a song as much since the time she sang about being born to be the other woman, cause I was born to be the other man and I made my peace with that.
Maybe we’ll meet in another life.
Maybe then I’d be happy by his side.
Anyway, I’m gone now.
I had no reason to stay.
Call me up if you want me to do something for you
like run an errand
or ****.
Ima set this as my voicemail, so all the men who things haven’t worked out with will hear it.
I could still give you something.
I’m not over you as much as I wish I was.

[Part 2 - Bitchslap]
My baby is the biggest sadist under the moon
You create mayhem but I can’t stop loving you
You make me sad like the ******* sky’s blue
You inflict pain and sweetness and I can’t break loose
It’s just circles, it’s just dead ends for you.
I could be a god, but still not good enough for you.
My baby is the biggest sadist under the moon
You paint me blue but I can’t stop liking you
I’m suffocating when we’re in the same room
You don’t give a ****, but I’m so obsessed with you.
I need a distraction
I need to take action
He’s sweet, but I’m auto-destructive with my fantasies.
I’m so not over any of them,
but I’m choosing to forget that I can’t have them.
I could still give them something.
Am I the only one who feels this way?
Do they ever think of me?

[Part 3 - Candy Crush]
Takes me to the Hamptons, I’m the apple of his eye.
Sings Dylan up real close, I’m his groupie for life.
Sweet like coca cola, I get high off him at night.
Chews me up and spits me up like I’m cherry bubble gum.
Takes me to festivals, I’m his vintage money.
Drives me to the vistas, I’m his bitter honey.
Without him I’m nothing, I’m the light of his life.
I’m his little baby, every day and night.
Sweet like sugar baby,
Only ride or die.
Nothing to lose baby,
Like Bonnie and Clyde.
I got nothing to lose now,
I’m his baby for life.
I learned to flirt from TV,
Decipher me from WikiHow.

[Part 4 - Errands]
Pick me up from school, we can run some errands.
Drive me to your place, choose the fastest highway.
Handle me with care, I go ahead like a Ferrari.
I speedrun relationships, ***** I’m motopapi.
Let me run my hands up your thighs, hang on your shoulders.
Let me caress your hip bones, gently collide our foreheads.
I can sleep on his hips, I ain’t going anywhere.
Follow me on socials and then to the shower.
Once you go bad, there’s no going back.
There’s no going back.
He can play some hip hop, so his neighbors won’t hear.
Crash me into the ocean, LAPD in the rear.
Once you go brave, you won’t ever give a ****.
You won’t ever give a ****.
I can undress him slowly, I can drive him like a Lambo.
Run my hands upwards like I’m doing a glissando.
Once you go to town, you’re a local there.
You’re a local there.
My consciousness is calling, Ima call you back in two weeks.
My senses are calling, Ima call you back in never.
“What the hell are you doing?” they keep asking me.
Running errands, that’s what I am doing.
I never had a boyfriend, but I’ve had fun in spite of that, that’s the least I could have so why’re they surprised I did?
Now I want the bare minimum and I wanna get it daily like I’m buying groceries, meet somebody new, write his number down on a Walmart receipt, call him up and get my hopes up, get hooked up and give him up.
I’ll see him in another life.
I might love him in two.
He might love me back in ten.
You’re hella cute, hella cute when you stutter, I like your face but you’re also hella outta reach, nowhere close to my dominion.
Hell, at least run an errand with me, it’s the bare minimum.
Pick me up from the gardens, we can waste our time.
Drive me to the riverbed just to break my heart.
Don’t ask me for money, hit me up to chat.
I got nothing to do, nobody here to love.
So it’s no wonder why I want all the things above.
Treat me like a ghost,
I’m gone as we’re speaking.
At least give me a call,
I’m not gone entirely.
I don’t regret what I do, even if it winds up fruitless.
It’s the minimum of it, both its grandeur and crudeness.
It’s a crazy thing.
You and I both know this won’t work, but it’s the best we’ve ever had.
It’s the best we’ve ever had.
The hardest thing is knowing when to give up and I made my peace with that.
I made my peace with that.
Run errands with me, take me to your place, give me what others have.
Get naked in the shower.
Get drunk on hope.
Give up, repeat, crash into the ocean.
Let’s do something together.
Just to stop feeling lonely.
Get high on the minimum of what we’ve never had.
Even if it’s for the night.
Drive me to your house.
Don’t blame me for being this way.
I gave up on the good life long ago and I made my peace with that.

Be sweet to me and I’ll return the flavor.
Why don’t we buy a cabin in Colorado?
Don’t love me out of mercy,
and don’t make me have to run.
Best of things don’t come easy,
and if they do it spoils the fun.
But I don’t want fun.
I’m looking to get wed, not wet.
I’m trying to get by, not high.
I wish that it was easy, not hard.
I’ve fallen in love way too many times and it hurts more every time I do.
Maybe when I find the right one I won’t have to fall again and bruise.
Why fall when you can rise in love?
Why don’t make it easy?
Can we sit down and choose the color of our fence?
Can we laugh at stupid people together?
Can we feel like God’s top priority for a day or two?
I wanna look down on you looking at me from the bed.
I have enough problems of my own, but I’ll find room for yours too,
and isn’t that ******* beautiful?
I had a dream that he ****** me in the backseat of his car and that’s as close as we got to being a couple.
I ran away from him but I felt godawful.
But that’s what I had to do.
(That’s what I had to do, right?)
Now I’m walking over ridges and through valleys somewhere high in Colorado.
I’m looking for a spot to build a cabin as part of some dumb personal bravado.
I have nothing to prove to a single soul except my own and I’ve been contemplating lately whether I’m temporarily lonely or whether I’m
ready?
Someone wise told me once that when you catch feelings you fall like dominoes, and that wise someone was me, cause I have.
I’m my best confidant, but lately I’ve been contemplating whether I’m just desperately needy to be loved or whether I’m finally
ready?
I’m in a dead zone for cellphones, in between two peaks of Colorado mountains.
Here I’ll build my cabin and watch television with old Hollywood actors.
But I won’t be doing that alone.
I’ll let him choose the color of our fence, we’ll stand beside it holding hands.
I’ll take the risk of having to run for the hills again, I’ll be quite already there.
I’ll bring him shade in the summer, heat when waters freeze.
It all sounds so easy.
I’ve fallen in love so many times and it hurts like throwing yourself off a cliff in the mountainy Colorado.
But why don’t we rise in love?
Why not make it easy?