I’m an outsider
I come from the hot tropical zone where I was written into existence by the restless hands of a misunderstood writer.
I have one main fault that’s been keeping me far from Paradise
Far from You
and it’s high time I started listening out for directions from You.

Let me taste Your rivers, Paradise
Let me wash my hands in the glimmer of Your eyes
Cleanse me from my past
And nowness that I despise
so that I can turn into an inhabitant of Yours, a native, a real one
and I can be happy with my life beside You, regardless of everything.

Let me breathe in Your air, Paradise
The land where I come from is polluted and I couldn’t breathe there.
It was toxic air,
fires running inland.
In and out of my lungs in an endless cycle of detriment.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
It’s taken much from me and I come empty-handed with my eyes pointed downcast as I stand in front of You.
I’m so small compared to You, but I need You in every way, please be mine, please let me be Yours.
I beg You to let me enter Your gardens that thrive lush all the time - I beg You to let me grow.
Let me sink into Your fertile earth
for a minute to free my mind
and to learn the taste of heaven.
Plant my roots in Your soil and build a perfect life.
You’re like water and my lips are dry,
can I be an inhabitant of Yours?

I have nowhere else to go if I’m once again exiled
We both know it
And we both know there’s no highlighted path leading to Your gates, as to not let newcomers bang on Your iron fence;
You have to go through hell to see heaven and to pass.

Los Angeles?
on fire

New York?
crowded

I don’t know where to go, but I know for a fact that I can’t stay here - it’s not where I should be.
I feel a million eerie eyes following me and there’s no privacy:
Cameras fixed into park trees
Chemicals flying through my nostrils
and the government is trying to Frankenstein me by propaganda
but I don’t buy it - I’d be stupid if I did.

Which way should I head?
Which corner should I hide in?
Which hotline should I dial other than the hotline for unfulfilled dreamers stuck in a daydream?
If there was such thing, I’d be a full-time caller even though I have quite much, now that I think of it:
  I have a home!
  I have the best lover in the world!
But I’m missing something resting in the back of my head, that I can’t make out, as if through a fog.
It’s like hell down here sometimes, when the summer is at peak
when the sun reaches its zenith, climbing like a vine
       on olive trees

Let me daydream underneath Your freely swaying palm trees that have been growing here decades before me
Let me have one more thing in common with them other than standing there aimlessly and succumbing to the sun.
I’m asking for You - just You, Paradise.
Can I rent a single room in the back of Your grand vicinity and walk quietly to the bar at night by the pond with the lily pads?
No alcohol drinks - I abstain - no loud parties - none of that.
Only bedtime stories with the dim light of the tall lamp by my unmade bed, and the large window opened wide, so I can delightfully breathe You in from my nose to my heart.
Can I plant a few more roses where Your gardens lack pure life?

I don’t want to feel like a burden to You,
and that I’m undeserving, I’m aware, but consider my request, I beg.
Let me be a part of You
tomorrow or later, or never if You wish, I’ll understand that too.
But if You open Your iron gates for me
I’ll walk in and I promise I will blend in
  plant a rose or two
    water your roots
      I hope You understand.

          Forever Yours

7 colors ricochet off of me like a windshield
I'm opaque but I embody them all.
I have dreams
colorful dreams that seem too good to be true
but life without dreaming is not worth living for.
And of course, I have you, my love
You, who I return home for and who I think of when I'm away, cause thinking of anything other than true love is not worth thinking of.

And alas - there's the outside world
that stretches out from behind our dome we thrive under
Our home.
To sound more dramatic - our only home.

You see, you can't build a dominant civilization like Babylon on quicksand - the heavier your bricks are, the faster they'll sink in there.
What the world is lacking right now is a magical touch of a rainbow's end.
And as long as you let the chromatic river run majestically through your barren land
vibrant events are certain to happen - it makes absolute sense.

7 colors make my soul

Red like lipstick
like the sky is over lively beaches on balmy summer evenings where locals gather to watch the sunset.
Red like strawberries on gingham blankets.
And I cherish moments like these
nothing I have to do. Nowhere I have to be now.
No. Just the red sky to photograph and to post to Instagram.

Orange like caramel
like that one latte I used to buy on my way back from work.
It reminded me of someone I thought I loved.
And when I tasted it with delight I thought that was what your kiss must have tasted like
Sweet and expensive.
Turned out I was looking for love in the wrong coffee cups.
I watched skies roll forth and clouds hold hands
I've always been the sweet type
I found the correct cup
in the end.

Yellow like dandelions in spring, when me and my baby first met.
As a child I enjoyed blowing them, making my very own tiny blizzard of seeds on light wind.
And I miss my early days when all I had to do was run around and play and say good morning to neighbors in my beloved apartment complex.
Argue with friends over Halloween candy and video games or which type of prank phone call should we do next.
The world we knew was beautiful - but it was oblivion.
And a little oblivion never hurt no one.
To this day, just like yellow flowers I come to life in spring.

Green like nature
symbolizing the undying goodness in me.
As a Sagittarius - I possess a soft heart offering room for souls seeking solace in cold streets.
It's just written in my nature.
And your nature is something that you can't reshape.
I look for a place where all my traits are nothing like madness
nothing out of this world - nothing not humanlike.
I deserve love - like everyone else on Earth.
And freedom with equality - that's why I keep supporting BLM and LGBT - because my nature sprouts vivid and green and after all I believe in the goodness within a person.

Blue like the Pacific
like cloudless skies stained with chemtrails
Blue like the Baltic Sea humming the same old soothing melody as I arrive on the pier
I come here for no reason - I do it for free.
I don't imagine a life without traveling to the sea and then making my way down the wooden steps leading to the beach and feeling the grains of sand under my feet.
There's things in life that mean so much but cost nothing.

Indigo like evenings in fall
the mythical dream realm which I dive entirely into, hoping for a better tomorrow.
Indigo like the charming mist surrounding me in my decisive hour and leading me on to the right path.
You see, life is actually beyond the abstract grasp of horoscopes and the real magic occurs when you forge who you are in a made-up universe under homemade stars.
And when you remember that nothing happens for a reason.

Violet like amethyst
must be one of the most beautiful crystals to exist.
I collect gems and stones and other fascinating things that I stumbled upon over the years.
I collect memories and turn them into something sweet in case they're bitter
I feel like to be happy is to sweeten what lacks sweet.
Find not just postcards but people, not bystanders but lovers
Make a legacy that you should be proud to show the world.
And to bring what you loved most to eternity.

7 colors make me who I am

And who I am is a hellbent dreamer looking for wonderland, with my mind made up and convictions written with my fingers on moist sand,
that will shortly be erased by the waves
rolling back and forth.
But I still hold them tightly in my mind - and compared to the unfair nature of life and cruelty of individuals, mind is a powerful force.

That's the story
nothing to cross out or add.
7 colors make me
and I couldn't be more proud.

Man
who am I to blame for living in the 21st century amidst wildfires and strikes and racism and homophobia and misogyny all thriving restlessly in broad daylight.
This is not a world I'd choose to live in
but I do and so what???

I'm 1 in 125
I'm a birch in an oak forest
Long story short - life ****** me over, but I'm alive

I come from nowhere
I'm native nowhere
which means wherever I go, I can't really say I'm home there
but I've wandered in my thoughts since I was little
And little did I know I was brought up to stir fiery coal in hell, that was a country of hypocrisy and those who lead it
I pray would burn in hell
but I come from nowhere
and I won't be joining them.

I purge myself out of poison every day
I know people talk **** about me behind my back - guess it's time I started backfiring **** at them.

One - **** my fake "friends"!
******* for smiling at me for show in group photos and secretly wishing I wasn't there.
I hope you know I washed my hands with tons of soap after every unwanted handshake
I reckon you knew I bled trying to satisfy you
paid all your debts, cleaned all your mess, made the world a better place just to get a silent thank you, hidden *******, we exploited you now scram!
Oh, how many "friendships" met their end because of that.
Because I unmasked posers who only cared about themselves.
But I stayed unbent
always true to myself
Counted down the days till I could sever the chain of gullible, future drug-taking hillbillies with rocks instead of brains.
I went to high school fervently hoping I'd find my place
I left high school in a blizzard of bitterness and deliverance.
I could count all the ingenuous smiles I wore, conversations I attempted to weave tired of standing there all alone.
But I won't squander my time on anything like that
That, I don't forgive and I don't forget.

Two - **** the government!
Won't drop names, not cause it's confidential, but cause I don't wanna flaw this page.
When the rightful president candidate lost by a few percent (by trashing his votes cause how in the hell?) a fragile beam of hope within me withered in its tragic end.
My dream of just future dried out anticipating rain, but all that dropped that fateful day were tears of regret.
I have no nationality
When someone asks me where I'm from I change the subject, cause it's better than the medieval ******* of a country I'm from, where even gaslight is subpar and I feel second hand embarrassment for those who dictate on.
I try and diminish that part about me.
That's pretty much how I've been dealing with inhuman laws and censorships arising. The hate of politics, it helped me carry on. Every time I almost jumped into conclusions about me
That maybe I misfit in this wicked world
I envisioned when they fall I'll be the first to clap for their monstrous loss.

**** the Church! I do believe in God and blissful afterlife for me
but I also believe that if they say a homosexual is an abominable disgrace to society
then I can reiterate aloud what others say about priests.
Get outta my hair, just like I got outta your lot and remember that you can kiss whoever you want.
**** the school system for making me learn things that flew straight in and out my head, like history of this country and if I could, I’d rather be born somewhere else.
**** the music industry since all it takes to win a Grammy is a preschooler-level written boring song about *** and a **** swinging between your legs.
**** fake equality and setting up people against each other. I'm a feminist and crave equality for us all yet when women call all men ****, where's equality after all???
**** courtesies like rushing to open doors, paying for someone cause it'd be rude not to or carrying their bags home from school. I treat everyone equally, no goddess or god, the way I'd like to be treated if I were another soul.
**** "family friends" who only babble about my ****** life, whorehouses and ******* every ******* time, like I'd rather sleep at the table than listen to your crap.
I envy my future self after having seen the faces of yours after I tell you what I think about you.
I tried to sweep you all aside and withhold my hatred inside
I've been trying frankly
In the world I crave there's my face carved into Mount Rushmore
Like Benjamin Franklin
I only want a good life for me and those I love
For now thought I scream:
FUUUUUUUUUCK!
I feel light as a feather hovering in a tranquil dream.
My resentment keeps me going
This poem is how I deal.

All my life I strived to be different.
Ever since I took my first breath I've considered myself an artist and may I feel that way until my last.

As a kid I carried my painting kit everywhere and I'd sit and reshape reality into something artistic.
Something that was mine
and nobody else's.
I dipped my paintbrush in a cup of water, tryna not mix the wrong shades
but I did eventually
and thought it wasn't resplendent, the road I once painted, it brought me here.

I love my life
but I've always known I deserved better than that.

The passers-by didn't love me.
I was an outsider in each town where I tried to settle down.
I was no local
I was no resplendent god
I was a ghost in high school, I lived so close but I was no ******* local still (???)

And so I freed a lexical avalanche instead of screaming
God I hate to scream.
My art makes me glad of the pathway I've chosen
and the people I've turned into
I'm glad I'm not anymore.

although
Somehow somewhere I heft this longing
of clasping chain link fences and pulling over by highway drive through coffee shops
The longing for chasing sunsets and dancing in the rain
opening the lid of my miniature treasure chest and putting on my lucky charm...

How do I make this life real?
not a painting or a poem...

                        ???                             ­    ???
       ???                                   ???

???                               ???
                  ???                                  ???
  ­                
I guess I'm gonna have to write

I wanted a fun weekend
and now I'm slowly starting to need you..
I tried to lose myself in Oklahoma
two days off from someone who knows me through
Wind in my hair never felt so free
Now I can't get over you,
Jesus freak.

You taste like fruit marshmallows
delicately melting in my mouth
deliberately too sweet
citrus gold
white hot

I can't get over you Matt
I wanted to arrange my cards, now I'm cheating on my boyfriend and I cannot sleep at night
I tilt left and right
forever in a sugar rush
play pretend
dopamine high

I know that what I do isn't right
I like to call it a fever which will turn out alright.
Even though I lowkey wish you stayed for another fortnight
and one more
and another
It's a lost cause but let's try - not like I have anything else to live for at this time.

I wouldn't be as bold if I had already crossed you out
Maybe if we went back to Daytona, things would go according to plan and we wouldn't have to part ways in August, what do you think my love?
I could live like Lizzy
compose in a trailer park
as long as I'm the same, it's you I'll write about.

  Pull me close to you
    I'm at my weakest now
As long as I'm the same it's you I'll think about.

    It's more than a fever
  Babe I get it now
    I can reach infinity
  Lemme show you how

I wear my heirlooms
on nights like these
Let the cool night air overflow my bedroom
acute senses
tensions rising
doorbell ringing
sirens blasting
the air weighs on my shoulders like a thousand jets
the people are hustling
but I borne havoc and glass dreams amidst chaos everlasting

Murdered by my dreams once
and left in a garbage bag
on the side of a road
which I once ran
down
to
the stars

It takes nothing from me to feel like a housewife reclined in front of TV
reading a book I’ve read a hundred times before with the hum of stupid shows in the back of my aching head in the afternoons.
Because it took much from me to realize that the right thing to do when the world is burning
is to sunbathe by the fire that it’s breathing.
And not to give it a second thought.

During my period of self bravery I've lost more than I've gained materialistically
to make it up - I've discovered new traits that had been slumbering deep within me
and what I’m most proud of is that I've learned how to think realistically.

And whatever controversial you do
should not be given a second thought

Because having lost connection with the control tower and cruising in the thunderclouds
I came to understand that the world cleansed from everyone’s buzz
is quiet and pure, like a tulip garden - serene like driving home down from Tulsa.
So in conclusion, when a fruit is sour, it may not be the only fruit in the orchard
same if the road is boarded up there is always some way to go around.
And all the early drives to work
coffee sipping on the parking lot
local radio blaring in the rush hour
to keep my mind at bay from God
things that ruin you should not be given a second thought.

I’m alienated
but I can’t stand withering pinned to a spot

I’m alienated
but I never gave it a second thought

I ring the bell, hoping you’re home Esther- I know you’re not.
I saw you left the window slightly open as if you never left.
You know, I feel like you could’ve been the right person to cry on the shoulder upon upheaval.
Because like mine, your spellbound odyssey had its twists and turns and derails-
and the people that come and go.. you’re not like them like me.
Me, I was drifting toward cliques the way moths are allured by candlelight at night- but pulling out other’s weeds never makes you a better gardener.
And you can’t just float through life.

Why do I feel so much like you, continuously swimming against the tide in my senior high school year?
In the wrong place like you, when you were a fashion magazine editor in New York, contemplating life and chatting w newly met men over plain ***** in lousy bars w your only friend.
then delving your body into steaming hot baths to eradicate that familiar weight on your exposed shoulders.
Counting every crack in the ceiling and pondering the origins of bathtub faucets you’ve encountered.
You didn’t really care for which direction your inner compass was turning-
me neither.

I never went to prom.
I never even wanted to go.
I never wanted to graduate.
I never wanted to grow up…
Safe to say I have no big plans to look forward to, but just like the foamy tops of waves that carried you, I’m sure they will find me someday - same way I found you.

So, why when I gaze into my bathroom mirror I see you?
You, on glamorous movie nights, dreaming of going to bed.
You, in a psych ward, after yet another failed attempt.

Some things are too hard to heft - therefore they should be let go of - it’s a gift to be aware of it.
I’m almost certain, that you thought that too, while ironing your victorian nightgown or watching tears race down your new stanzas, staying all week in bed.
It’s not a bad thing to feel this way.
And one thing I wish you’d known since the beginning of your spiritual road trip is that you don’t have to be rich or outgoing or just so cool
to be the greatest.

I've grown out of being humble like I've grown up from being awkwardly limited.
Before my sunnier days, my heart was hanging in my chest like a rigorous bird cage
and it took one word
one simple action
to release my happiness, sadness, anger, glamor and marvel to wander amidst splendor and ordinariness of the planet Earth.

So I became a poet
gave life to a couple hundred poems
that I defend with life period.

If I dipped my head in stardom
and were to shine down upon millions
I would never show up in a black suit and a tie

I didn't choose the language that my soul speaks
and I'm proud.
I never wanted my art to be evaluated
interpreted wrong
because my art is my gladness, my fear, my sadness, my smile, my thunder, my hail and my hotness.
For I change like the weather and I love this climate.
Like the wildest river I meander and I know no ocean to fade into.

No matter the pressure, I won't snap like a rubber band
I won't let the world **** me
Or stamp my precious flowerbeds
Spill water of misconception on my poems
I won't let them

And when the time comes to defend my legacy
I won't show up in a black suit and a tie.

I remember when I was 16
I was my only God
Burning brightly at both ends
heart still on the mend
vaping cherry in the parking lot
with bff's.

Hurts to think I didn't cherish that enough.
But what can I say other than
I was 16 and I was my only God.

Try to keep it 100.
Try to stay this hot.
Try to get that 1000.
Try to be on top.

I rode a ferris wheel amidst a thunderstorm - I wasn't afraid of anything. I worked a day shift with the streets on fire.
Sunburns didn't matter - I was a **** wildfire.
I miss middle school, just cause I was young and man I was shining, stars scattered wherever I went and people I looked up to applauded me for being the man.
I was 15 and they treated me like a god.

But when the night fell I failed to summon light
I asked for matches but nobody was kind
I went to high school
and I hated my life
But finally I've realized there's more good days left in my life.

I was at peak in 2019
that hot I can't combust
But if I'm in need for matches, I learned to ask God.

I met someone at 18
who showed me a different point of view on life
And I thought to myself
that maybe I need faith
that maybe I can feel that way
again.

Macadamias, argans, coconuts are what I bathe in, Voice Memoing my thoughts, future poetry.
Bathwater hot like Hades's breath
love or die by the hot
My eyes blue like Neptune yet sweet like a honeycomb
and the thoughts that don't stop coming linger
like a superb plot.

Unkillable but sleeping with a gun.
Intrepid but afraid of rearview mirrors
in deserted parking lots.

I left Alanya and drove opposite of Konakli a week after the fires invaded.
I thought I was going to die.
I went to Lake Salda where it wasn’t raining ash
Sick of the red skies
and the AC that I so loved.
I ran away from smoke clouds and I didn't wanna go back.
But what's evil lingered
and so did hope.

I left Alanya and never went to Konakli
I saw the epicenter of wildfires in my county
but never the flames.
The flames saw me.

The desolation haunted me
Didn't buy a single martini
And the ash in the water bugged me
but what could I have done? do not ask me
On the bright side the sun couldn't burn me

And finally
I flew home leaving flames and havoc behind me
Speaking mildly
I thought I wasn't gonna come back.
One lesson I've learned
is as simple as that:
What's evil lingers
and so does hope.

Men are like roses - pretty but painful to get ahold of.
Like top-shelf champagne - savor them until you can't.
I sip like a lord
Fans and vinyls spin around
I sweet text you
Rain on you emoji hearts

I don't want dollar trees
Just you all over me
Your grandfather's clock ticking
And your daddy's embroidery

No rose will ***** my hands tonight.

Let's stroll into your daddy's country club bb
Play "Right Time" by Nikki Lane in the back of a jeep
because bae, it's always the right time to do the wrong thing

There's a drought in the neighborhood now that I've stepped into the longest summer of my life.
My days go by slowly
TV shows all through
fly to Alanya in July
not stepping outside.
That's how I'll let the longest summer of my life fall through my palms like dry thyme.

And why it's so hot I don't wonder why.
You were the first who made me love my life and perceive rainbow when lightning strikes.
Long story short - I only need you not to go dry.

It's on my old Hollywood bucket list to watch "Valley Of The Dolls", I've seen it recommended on an Insta page - the one I follow that posts about Sharon Tate.
It's about three women that pursue a career in the entertainment industry but fail and out-of-hand drug abuse progressively prevails.
It reminded me of my life, as odd as it sounds.

Into the Valley of The Dolls
all my ex friends leapt and never have we talked since.
And there I was - sunburnt and worn out after a long weekend off in the South West. I had a blast but
I didn't feel like telling anyone.

Shortly after I strolled down the maritime boulevard and caught the glimpse of air hockey tables standing where they usually are - and there I was - sunburnt and hot
and the people I was with.. I no longer really know.

Therefore I

Won't lower my eyelids in the valley once
I'll stay away from the wildfires
I'll do it for fun.

I'll never smoke again to impress anyone
Not even drink if my burns cry to be numbed.

I'll be in the sun - pondering my next move
Reach for your picture or a poetry book?