i bought two one-way tickets to wonderland
are u going with me?
are u willing to sacrifice the typical way of being
drop the trifling weight u’re carrying or the shadow u’ve been dragging
through the streets or across the beach
are u the summer of my winter or a safehouse for one storm
i see us in the stars
i read them with my eyes closed
i feel them with my hands on ur shoulders with the lights off

semidiós
te amo cariño
the thing is- us demigods- we rule the game as we play
seventeen years behind with a vision so insane and so surreal
never loved- never been loved anyways- i never knew if i feel
but all the ways i’ve tried to change never worked out well for me
i didn’t expect to find love at all as if i was born to be alone forever
i’ve lived a crazy half life yet i’ve never felt free
i plundered heaven
no stone was left unturned there
no star of the night sky was left unmoved
but since now until the end of time i will proudly call u mine
from sunrise till dark
from good morning to good night
sheltered in ur arms
my only valid safehouse
until nothing or no one could reach us anymore

i found the gates to wonderland
one made for u and me
i forgot who i am and who i used to be as i swam in the lukewarm sea
tattooed heart beating in my chest and ur face on my mind like a memory
it’s what always succeeded to sustain me
it’s always been the sufficient remedy
since the day i woke up free on a prepossessing beach and saw u next to me
i thought it was a dream
u said u’re just like me
we rose to shine
we were born divine
lovers’ tracks affix and spark brighter than blazing stars
i looked u in the eyes
poured u a glass of fine champagne and threw two cubes of ice

i belong to the beach
when i leave the house it’s my first occurring thought to go there
it might be the air that’s alluring me
or the waves which i love to watch crash
but thinking on a more spiritual level- it’s the deep sea that speaks to my soul
the big blue
the equivalence of my endless contemplation about life and what it consists of
for me- it’s all about love

this is the part when questions rise

who am i?
nobody’s first gossip call pick
dreamer without a real life
unsure if the soil i’m standing on won’t collapse under the weight of my thoughts
they’re dense and chaotic at times but the sea is chaotic too and it’s beautiful
after all i’m a beautiful person forever lost like a message in a drifting bottle
like a sweet love song that no one ever got to sing or hear
like a seashell of warm colors whose wanderlust is infinite
alas its horizon finite

who am i?
a metaphorical sailor steering his yacht for lifetime
who thought he’s seen it all
i thought i had all it takes to make it
but it takes confidence, determination and good instinct to survive in this world
but all i have is love
i’m human- i have a heart in my chest
i have feelings to cater and needs to meet
i used to desire millions and sports cars on a posh brick parking lot
a modern house hanging from a cliff with a nice view of the churning sea
and a wide balcony so i could spread my arms and catch the wind
feel like a sailor as free and wild as i thought i could be
now i just wanna belong to someone
i wanna be held like no one ever
i want my salty tears to be caught before they drop on my bed or sweater
i’d rather be forgotten than remembered for my broken dreams
if i had to live alone again i’d just rather disappear

vanish
in the waves
in the overwhelming heat of august
i dive in deep but return to the coast in the end
like a fragile seashell that i am

i get halfway undressed
i leave my favorite shoes pointed south
leave my loose flannel shirt on cause i’m not confident enough to go without
i forget the deafening burden and i forget the cursed clout
in the sea foam i look for me
i walk slowly towards the sea
till half of my body is in water and the other half in reverie
and then u come in
and everything goes the way i wanted it
i love u
i love ur wet hair
and how ur eyes reflect the sun
and i love the way u smile
and i need u here
i need ur guidance and kindness
otherwise i can’t be the real me

questions sink in quicksand
i’m as free as i can imagine

i belong to the music
to my all time favorite songs which i play and which i sing to feel free
to knock the weight off my shoulders
and i can’t even sing that well but i do it for me
i’m nobody known but i feel like a demigod on a lit stage
everyone is cheering for me
it’s all so perfect that’s it’s no wonder why i love to dream
and why i loathe reality
why am i stuck in this stupid country where i have to pretend i’m someone else?
i wanna break out
i wanna love u out loud
without having to check if someone’s looking over my shoulder
or spying on me
i wanna have real dreams not those that won’t come true
i want delusions to escape into the circulating air
my dreams stack till they reach the ceiling and there’s no room anywhere

so let me dream
let me live **** fantasy
if that’s all a tainted dreamer ever gets
i wanna be free and loved and respected and not declined on every step
i just wanna matter
i yearn for these things

what is the biggest dream of them all?
flying free?
it’s just about being loved

who is the king of my heart?
i’d say i am but i need to be lead through each and every dark tunnel
that i unawarely enter half awake
my boat is wooden and amateur and i’m still scared of drowning
in the vast sea of my troubled mind which is non-stop churning
crazily and frantically
and not leaving me alone
i am the one steering but i need a navigator
i need a lighthouse for a destination
i need a better sense of eight directions
i need to catch the wind in my sails if i want to swim away
i have a bad reputation
at least i can say i’m not afraid to drop everything and vanish
in the waves
in the warmth of summer
how can i be forgotten when everybody knows my name?

but after all
i belong to u
i’d give everything i have and i don’t have much to be with u
i want u to know
i did an unexpected one hundred eighty turn some time ago
i dyed my hair black in protest against what kept me submissive to my men
i hijacked a fancy boat and i took the wheel i’ve always dreamed to steer
and there i am
it’s a ****** that u can’t be here
i sent u a letter
did u open it?

did u feel my desperation on ur face like a gust of wind?
do u know u are the boat keeping me from drowning in this sea?
the present memory
the mirrored image of me in my true nature

captain
i’m condemned to sail for eternity
i’m afraid of what’s lurking in these waters and it’s killing me
protect me
people tell me i’ve come far but never ask if i ever wanted it
and they think i’m strong
but i’m nothing more than a waning flame in the open wind when i’m alone
i need my king
i’m thirsty for safety
i desire peace
two kings make a perfect kingdom so come to me and join me
and show me the way
teach me when to stay silent and when i can’t what to say
when to move and when to stop and where to go and what to avoid
i’m a realist
and i won’t make it on my own
i won’t cross this sea by myself
it’s giant but not as big as my love and that’s the last bit of hope i have

i belong to the beach
to the music
to someone i love
i have a purpose now and it’s the most valuable thing i’ve got

i have love
i have it
i love u
king of my heart

hello guardian angel
i’m calling u from beyond the ordinary world
i’d like to take back all my complaints i gave u
i found home
i found it in a person like u said i would
i found warmth
in the brown summery eyes of true love
i found calm
it’s flooding my coastline like crazy but it’s better than nothing
i found love
i saw three threes in deep sleep and now i’m asking if u had something to tell me
can i finally start to put trust in me?
i keep seeing mirror hours
i pay allegiance to my amor
i can’t not think of it
it’s like ecstasy
333

i’m young and crazy even if i don’t appear to be
quiet on the outside but storming on the inside
in my past life i dreamed of becoming a star
a famous writer also- but then i made up my mind
i wanted to be happy over my singleness- i failed that though
i opened my eyes
i have one last wish
i’ll say it out loud:

let me keep what i have
it’s something i can’t live without

hear me out angel and make that wish come true
i know i ask for much and i’m sorry, i’ll try not to bother u
i’m losing things- never gaining and i pray it may change
i just need u more than ever now
so hear me out
things improved- i want to ensure they stay this way
i’m levitating high- don’t force me to go back to blue
not to the sea level
not farther from u

never back to black
never ever look downcast
never lose sight of my north star again
by what i’ve observed in me, i’m ready to circumnavigate the earth
restart
never back to back

never higher
never lower
please

farewell guardian angel
my mind is now made up
the place i’m in makes me feel like home and it feels like where i belong
i’ve never felt this way before
i found a new meaning for home
and i don’t wanna be anywhere else but here

in the end- i feel enormous gratitude for u for taking good care of me
and the things that u taught and showed me
i found my destination
like an island rising up from the sea
glistening in front of me
phantom of preferred reality
which is the key to the gate to artificial heaven
and it makes me wonder why has everything happened to me

wish my life was simple as 123
i wouldn’t have to call 911 on me
dear 333

i can be ur canvas for u to paint me as i’m getting undressed
my baby doll face is smooth and my porcelain body fragile to the brush
but i believe that in the right hands i could be made into a work of art
so hold me in ur arms and hide me from the sun that’s scorching and hot
let’s dive into an azure ocean and forget who we really are
live for true love that we crave deep inside
i am urs baby and u are just mine

u’re my dear muse- always on my mind
we belong in the louvre yet we’re ahead of our time
it’s only u and me that matter in my life
and as long as u’re nearby i’m grateful i’m alive
i live for this feeling and maybe i’m just so in love
like an unreasonable dreaming child
with a prolonged monologue fastened firm to my motley heart
so in love i live ur life instead of mine that’s alluringly benign and divine and
i live us and i love my life
but that’s really nothing bad
u know- choosing compelling fantasy over plain reality is one of the few things
i’m glad i’ve done
when i see u in the sun i feel calm
i imagine the waves composing a song that plays over me thinking:
i am where i belong
and that’s in ur arms
u know darling- when u have enough of this world
why don’t just get lost in something pristine
with someone u truly love?

my longing of highways- of moonlight that’s soft
living free
love is all i’ve got

i draw stars with baking powder on the stove like a painter on a drawing board
scatter cinnamon on ur sweet face
tilt towards ur glossy lips that taste like lush cherries grown in summer haze
but there’s no haste- none of that
i suppose we all know art requires time and passion or else it may fade
only pleasure never tension
i’m open for interpretation
i’m pretty in ur eyes and i stay pretty just for u
i cry at night and i blur paint laid below my watery eyes but u say it’s alright-
i listen to u
so decorate me how u want- pin glittery stars to my lemon blond hair
paint daisies and dandelions in prime on my face cause they’re my favorite flowers
and i love the way they smell
ornament me with great diligence and angelic emotion
pour urself onto me
all ur colors and their shades
we have all the time in the world
we have love as strong as no one has

i promise i will be ur canvas
paint me as i lay my head on ur chest and as it’s dimming down and sun sets
let’s get loose and jive on a watercolor painted lawn
shift astray and thrive like grapevines climbing monet beach house walls

no service out here
summer is finally over and i’m set free from my chain
now i’m left to wonder by myself
about where do i go from here
what i do know for sure at the moment
is that i won’t have spent the night calling the failed romantics hotline
with u in my heart i’ll make it until sunrise
i have no tears to hold now
no steam to blow off now
and i put my citrus perfume on to enchant the fall night
to brighten it up and to forward oxygen to fire towards its apogee at midnight
i’m not crying anymore
world cut me i’ll bleed ichor

if there’s someone watching over me indeed
don’t pull me out of this cycle please
let stars burn in peace
i won’t allow the world to burn me out- i promise this!
u just have to trust me infinitely and without doubt to achieve peace
because i’m never stopping again until i enchant u to me
i’m done losing people- that’s all

i won over the heat
over the coldness within me
cater the spark so it evolves into fire
the way i’ve been taken care of so now i’m who i am
i promise to everyone who listens- i’ll keep my love alive all four seasons!
night or day- winter or summer
i promise to keep u safe until spring when we first met
and i was finally lit on fire
my mind is a sunlit coast now
it’s a cruel summer
i don’t mind being sunburnt
i love the heat u bring me- i’ll take care of it- i swear!
i’ll hide the flame in my arms so it won’t waver by the wind
i’ve failed such thing before but i’m capable now- i promise this!

this fire
it’s growing so hot that it’s turning blue
it’s pushing me violently into bed with u
add wood or it’ll die
extinguish it or i’ll die from the heat from the rush and the devastating wildfire
the havoc of my past life
the highlight of my summer nights
the beginning of my high life
don’t listen to me when i cry
i’m somebody else then
i promise i’ll make things right!

i’m not hot
i’m not cold
something in between- or professionally i’m in love

i’m as hot as cinder
i taste like citrus and salty sea water
i’m a breathtakingly beautiful seashell- as pretty as lonely
and i’m strong but also fragile alas i can never change it
i’m carried places with no consent by strangers
who don’t think the way i do and aren’t the way i am
i’m like this ceramic-like treasure but when they put me in their pocket
in midst of all the things to forget
i break
i fall to pieces as a ceramic vase shatters
i’m fragile and requiring to be held in a delicate way
i wish people could understand that
but people aren’t like u- they can’t decipher me plus u love me and u know me
and u know how to handle something between hot and cold like me

anyways- i’m glad i won’t have spent my life calling the failed romantics hotline
instead i’ll be calling u
love of my life

i want to say thank u
for standing by my side during the eclipse
for observing it with me from the pier by the beach
and for being the witness to my evolution and growth
thank u- for triggering the chain of necessary events in order to free me
for making me feel like i’m loved

today i felt stronger
put on my favorite dotted t-shirt that reminds me of the perfect summer
which was the metaphor of emptiness dissolved in disguise
cause when i looked up to the skies to search for symbols addressed to me
i saw nothing but a blue sheet with silver fluffy lines running symmetrically
almost like a river aiming to trespass the gates of surreality
and to flow on my roof like rain
on colder summer days

but- ever since i found u it brought end to my solace i’ve planted in solitude
like palm trees in long beach in old black and white hollywood films
my apparently fake permanent watermark vanished like a ripple
along with ur name appearing on my heart like a handwritten tattoo
after a flat stone was thrown into the water
on which the image of the moon was distorted and wavy but reverted
to its original form but it appeared to have been painted
so i dived in but this time not by myself
not with a leather jacket on somewhen around two a.m.
and the real meaning behind love turned out to be more beautiful
than i could have ever imagined
thank u
for placing a canopy above my parade
and bringing me warmth to heat up my frozen heart on hot summer days

tomorrow i will start my day off by saying hello to u
as i always do
i will confess my love as if this wild journey was brand new
forever anchored to the rule number one of a pulsing relationship
and once again bow down and thank u
because for the opportunity to gaze into ur brown eyes and feel ur touch on my body
i would have sacrificed the glory the fortune and all the world’s money
but it all crashed into me like a tsunami on a spring day in early morning
i let the stream carry me like a boat bound to a distant coast
the closest a place on earth will get to paradise
where u would greet me with a kiss
willingly drown in the bliss
in which i don’t mind drowning

i vow to stay with u
for keeping me calm amidst cyclones
for filling the void running through my heart like a cave
for reviving me completely shattered and lifting from my grave
for giving me a striking reason to row for u if i no longer can for me
and for convincing me that life can be beautiful
just like ur magnificent brown eyes that i’m addicted to
and that pierce my soul with a beam of iridescent light
as i rain down
and tear around
holding ur hand
in an enclosed paradise

i felt like a fifties movie character the moment i passed the threshold
of my room in the seaside motel
room number ‘i don’t remember’
i dreamed of sleep and sweet tea and bath salts to erase my tenderness
don’t give me a reason to stay but a reason why i would return if i ever leave

there’s things u need to know about me
i’m not the type to bathe in red rose petals and sip wine in a jacuzzi
i won’t bend my knees in a black suit and patent leather shoes and recite poetry
and most importantly- i’m not that weak to call for sympathy
but if u hold me i won’t protest
i won’t raise my voice if u love me
i won’t be hard anymore if u hold me
and i might love u more than anything else if u only love me back
and convince me to stay in this
forever

u can touch me anywhere
i want u to touch me everywhere
i’m restless and under the weather
put on a show for me to make my night better
hide ur hands in the holes of my sweater
and i’ll take u straight to heaven
******* is an art
intense never plain
u swipe the moon away so it becomes day
when u kiss me it feels like lemonade
on a beach party rocking strawberry lingerie
so unholy and i arch like golden gate
and u pass through me like a lightning bolt or a chevrolet
passing the speed limit
in the rearview u see blurring stars
until we find ourselves bathing in the crystalline streams of eden-
baby i’m so happy that i have u
and in hindsight i see no blue
i’m a soft inhabitant of heaven
and we left paradise long ago
but i find my life better than ever
now i love u more than anything else in this world

i couldn’t sleep last night
i was wilting in the soft moonlight
insomnia leave, insomnia let go
i lay face up counting blazing stars that perish by the dawn
uneasy, the bed is uneven, my pillow is too high
the summer is an oven
i’m in love now
why can’t a beautiful thing be eternal?

why does every perfect thing i touch collapse when i need it most?
why is my life beginning to whirl when i have enough?
enough asking
enough having to look for answers
digging in the earth to find my reasons
my life stole my sunny days from me and i got to keep the nights
and of course i have u my love on top of everyone
thank u for being here always
no matter what

we lied in the sun
but when the world went to dark
we lied in the moon
and the next sunrise was beautiful

through the roof window i watch the painted moon from bed, from ur arms
centerpiece to the pastel sky
two shades of our yin yang that collide like a celestial arc
like fireworks on the 4th of july but far more fantastical
perfect night
perfect time
alone in the house in the dreaming neighborhood
feels like i’ve been given a chance at life as i’m lying next to u-
two lovers in the dark under the painted moon
i’m happy
u have done it

if every night could be like this
insomnia stay, insomnia last
if i can’t enjoy my days i’m gonna marry the night
and love u through the dark

i know how it feels like to be a sagittarius
and i know what u mean when u think u have the whole world against u
almost like i had a facility for reading misjudged minds
i was born on the 13th of december with the silver moon attached to the starry sky
sliding across it like a turtle on a beach off to begin its new life
and i can’t show my entire thankfulness the way i desire to express it-
u’ve always been the north star guiding me where to head in doubt
as i fought my auto-destructive mental malaise with my head up in dull clouds
i sense the feelings in ur words
how their warmth illuminates
i know how u feel and i feel the exact same

and i know u ache for our generation every single day
u just wish things would go differently
u just miss the goodness that never commonly existed
and i couldn’t be more proud of u
i may not be a perfect human being but that doesn’t disqualify me from saying u are
and when i dream of u it feels like i’ve never loved before
the way i adore u
cause u know- i’ve always had taste for people who dress fancy or look attractive
but now that my sweetest feelings have been revived upon the sunrise
i feel like i’m in love for the first time
u are more than a lover to me-
u are the droplet to my needy rosebud
sunshine to my sequoia
riverbed to my missisipi
or just the foundation of the better world u want to construct
and if u could i’m sure u would
i believe in ur pure intentions and balance on their authenticity
ur words are more charming than classic poems to me
and i can listen to them like songs throughout rainy nights
because u own a good heart
that mine is chained to with a chain made of daisies as if it was spring
and even though i’m emotionally far past that line- or a life stage- who knows
we can pretend that it’s spring

i know what it feels like to be a sagittarius
i’ve always walked left when others turned right
i stared at the pond by the main road after the day was over
i stayed home after dark
i kept asking family how it feels to be in love-
so i said to myself no more loneliness or pondering my sadness
whether it’s summer or freezing cold
and when i get lonely i pray that i may lie down with u and watch the sunset
atop the roof in a peaceful riviera in a happy mindset
no past to define me- just words to descry the sense in staying strong
that’s what makes us perfect people
love u all day all night long

when i took ur hand for the first time
i knew exactly what i was signing for
i sensed something warm
like the approaching summer of things i had yet to discover
i felt like i was flying miles above land
might’ve been due to the thousands of butterflies in my stomach
that u planted in me
lifting me like a spinning propeller
might’ve been a hallucination but i was sober
or an innocent dream that came true
i knew right away i was destined to meet u

i see u for who u are
not for what u’re not

loving u is hard but nothing good in life comes for free
i learned it the hard way
and without hesitation- i can say u’re the best thing that happened to me
i don’t know where i’d be if it wasn’t for u

i love u
tears rest on ur lashes like dew
u’re so ******* beautiful
a true work of art
everywhere i go i feel u
but i guess i’m the only one that perceives u in that way

because u have flaws
and the ideal paintings or sculptures don’t
but they’re not actual flaws to me- i loved them since day one
i kept them by my heart
and i’ll keep on loving them because i love all of u- not just the ideal parts

i want to welcome each new day by ur side
i want to say goodbyes to them each night
it’s like i dreamed it
and i manifested it
u brought color into my life
and it’s not fading to my great surprise

as i said- i knew exactly what i was signing for
it was like a sailor’s first sail on a boat in a vast gulf never known before
the sea might’ve been cold or might’ve been warm
the wind could’ve been howling or could’ve been gone
the sailor knew that thus he knew what he was signing for
his love for chasing the horizon overshadowed its flaws
he handled the waters at their best and their worst
and he found his way
to wonderland

i promised i’d cater this love at all times
that i’d stay with u in the dark paradise
and when the love of my life tried to take their own life
it traumatized me to this point that i couldn’t talk about it
so let’s not talk about it

let’s focus on the positives
the amazing things u do to me
u made me believe that i can achieve great things or be who i want to be
that my future is how i write it
and that no one can steal that pen from me
so when i doubt myself in my darkest times
in the dark paradise
to my dreams’ demise
i remember what u told me
i spread my wings wide and fly for u only

i hated love
everyone i fell for turned their back on me and i ended up alone
but when i glanced at ur eyes for the first time ever
i knew this was what i’m signing for
and if u’re not my once in a lifetime
i don’t wanna love anymore

once upon a dream i stayed at a beach apartment complex
i went in sore and tender
i was coiled like a snake or a salamander in fresh linen
w white angel wings that never got me anywhere
like a faulty angel
but on that day in particular
it was hotter than ever

is there any affliction the sea water can’t cure
i have a headache from the sun
i feel hot standing next to u
i feel hotter lying in bed w u
i squint my eyes and submerge in the mesmerizing blue
like fluid glitter luring me closer as a siren
Odysseus finding his home in nowhere
i go in w u
bb u saved my life

i’m carefree but i think of everyone devoured by their own sea of mind
i contemplate all the time
and i wish i could’ve told u that i love u sooner

Esther, don’t chase rocks beckoning u from deep waters or u’ll hit rock bottom
Esther, i love u, u matter
u can’t just give in to the noir waves of the ocean as it won’t make anyone gladder

Susan, i’ll never forget u
i’m beyond grateful but i had to go on
people gossiped i was crazy for clinging to my own truth and i don’t regret it
if they don’t get it they can *******
i lost my zone of comfort in the name of love and i’m proud
i shouted out what had to be said and i never thought of letting go of ur hand
and i hardly ever shout
nobody gets to write ur story or change ur beautiful mind
i’m beyond happy i got to be the one to tell u this
bb i saved ur life

i can’t keep my eyes neither hands off of u
hold u tightly like i held Benjamin in summer of 2018 and spring of 2020
breathing in aloe vera in a sanctuary
a hundred dollar face tattooed on me
highlighting my worth that i can’t always see
don’t go
i won’t let go of u
promise u won’t let go of urself or of me or i’ll fall
and there won’t be anyone to catch me anymore

i can’t do it without u
won’t go for a swim without u
i’m afraid i may not find my way back if i go or ever find u

once upon real life i stayed at a beach apartment complex
i went out pure and happy
it was a beautiful dreaming session
like an ideal tropical vacation, honeymooning forever
every night felt like a sojourn in paradise
i was swimming in pearl white linen but it felt like i was swimming in a sea
i was hugging my pillow but it felt like i was holding the most beautiful person i’ve seen

one year later we returned to the beach where we stayed for the summer
the breeze felt familiar and those wooden steps made the same sound when i walked down them
they were now part of my life
i booked the same hotel room since i love returning to the good things in my past
just like i keep returning to u my love
but u live rent free in my mind
fragile is my heart when the closest stars align
a year after u and i’ve now less reasons to cry
hardened is my art
i reverted to blonde
mi amor
baltimore...

am i old enough to leave home?
i’m a snowflake in march, i’m not ready to go
i’m soft like a rosebud
my tastebuds crave salt of the sea
one year from now things may look different
u might not be as integral to me
i might run like a flower into land where i’d be
something u’ve never allowed me

will i hold onto my letters?
will i ever forget what we had?
i should’ve known better than to hope all the letters i sent from overseas
would someday become
my national anthem