s.   l. .. w.        he tells you
n.  i      h          he loves you
o.  n.    i.          and he's
r.   e .   l.     ,.   quitting
t.    s .   e...       today, and the lines
                          get longer but he still wants
                          you to stay and when he
          
R E L A P S E S

                      and does too much too soon
                    and you're holding him and
                 you're screaming into the phone
              and they keep asking
                      h
                       o
                        w

much did he do?
and you're
lying and you
snort another
line and you
put down the phone
and when the
police (!!!)
knock on the door
you have nodded
out and he is
gone and you are
bleeding and you
open your palms
and you clutched
the razor so tight
and you cut up
another pill and
you snort the pill
and the door
                                      breaks
                                      down

and you cry and
you swear you
don't know how much
he took and they
tell you he is not
coming back and you
blame yo ur self
blame yo ur self
blame yo ur self
blame yo ursel f
an dyo u f o rgot
h ow mu c h
(h o w mch dd i tk agan?)
a nd
yo u colla ps
a nd you're gone
and the lines
don't matter
anymore

.
.
.
.
.

they come and go
in waves
of secrets and stories
and tears
and laughs
and silly phrases

smoke fell out of my mouth
the same way you fell
off the edge of this planet

and when i started this job
i thought it would distract me
from the reality of death

because if you're surrounded
by death, all the time,
does it really affect you?

the truth is, i walk past
your headstone and i pretend
you're just another grave

but you've never been anything
like the rest of them
or at all like i was back then

i'm stuck in this benzo haze
fading in and out of consciousness
(it's just another graveyard shift)

i hope if you were here
you'd still love me
(i didn't steal their souls)

i am the protector of all souls
i am only the thief of daylight
(son, it's your time to go)

a rush of chemicals
the taste of skin
a diamond in dust
the beginning sin

a tye-dyed mess
her itchy neck
a wolf's howl
she's a wreck

a worthless poem
a puppy's breath
an endless gaze
a bag of ****

there are no words
for the way my ski
n electrifies when y
our smoke wraps ar
ound our bodies and
sends shivers down m
y spine because you a
re trickling your finge
rs down my ribs and s
ometimes i can not hel
p but think about how
blood felt trickling dow
n my wrists and by the
time you came around
i was so far gone that i
'm more than surprised
about how someone wh
ose smile is always six m
iles wide could love some
one who wants to be bur
ied six feet under and if i
lost the chance to tell you
that i love you, then i don
;t know where i would be
and if i make my bed in a
grave before you do i hop
e you never pick up the bo
ttle again and try to find s
olace because we both kno
w that anesthetics are neve
r any different from poison
s and if your nerve endings
remember my touch and y
our breath gets short but h
eavy when you think you j
ust got a text from me but
you remember that the te
xt will never come; i want y
ou to know that i love yo
u and that you can make it
through anything and if yo
u do just one thing in my r
emembrance then i want y
ou to never ******* drink
my taste away because no
matter how strong you se
em i still think that my p
assing will make you a lit
tle uneasy and a little diff
erent maybe and i wonde
r if you'll cry anywhere c
lose to as much as i used t
o cry on a nightly basis a
nd will you sneak out an
d walk down to the stop
sign where we exhaled a
nd inhaled smoke and we
held each other and ****
man when i laid on the as
phalt i still wished a car w
ould come speeding by e
ven though that's so ****
ed up and this isn't even a
poem it's just a ****** up
story but if you ever love
d me at all, you won't pi
ck up the bottle- you wo
n't take a shot even if it m
eans remembering the tr
igger.

if the gunshot rings through your ears
even past midnight
and you are stuck wondering
when the ringing will stop
or if it will ever stop

if you realize that you can do anything
including stopping the ring
then you can engage in your surroundings
and understand the matrix
that is letting go

then i wonder if you can still stop
the falling of your teeth
in the sink, blood flowing from your soft gums
and when you look up in the mirror
do you see yourself?

i wonder if my body will crack
or burst when it hits the ground
and i wonder how i will handle
the loss of my mother's mother
will i feel her kiss on my cheek?

i wonder what the grave feels like
and if i'm quite ready to express
the swings in my mood or the way
the moon rises and falls to my calling
(do you feel it?)

how can we ever be sure of what we need
and what we want? i don't even know who i am
or what i stand for and ****
when you talk ****, my ******* voice raises
i scream like your father screamed

i scream like he screamed when the blood ran
past his eyes and into his mouth
and i bet you never got over the sound
of the gunshot and the way it resonated
through the house

did you turn to the killer?
what did you say
and if you could go back
what would you say?
what would you do?

do you feel it?
do you feel the kiss
the breath, the trickle
of the blood running down
your wrists

do you feel it?
can you hear the reality
of the world crushing
your eardrums and the
teeth falling onto your piano?

your piano hums lullabies of pain
and when you lose your focus,
does the dream go away?
and when you take those pills,
do you feel it?

he lifted up a white rag
and washed the blood
off of your father's cheeks
and closed it over your mouth
like chloroform

you are my arm
and i'm falling asleep
you are my pillow
and i'm falling asleep

you are my vein
and i'm falling asleep
you are my sea
and i'm falling asleep

stars twinkled around me
until i had to notice them
until i had to open my eyes

they breathed across my skin
and planted themselves
deep inside my aching chest

i was filled with their light;
i took the leap upwards-
a journey in the celestial sea

i lost myself in the eyes
of jupiter, venus, and mars
freckling my skin like dice

the constellations drove
in donuts, around the sea
pouring themselves out

space was everything
space was always there
in waves of varying gravity

i rode asteroids into
six different shooting stars
until i held the world

the cosmic microwave
filled me to the brim
with it's premordial sound

with nails scratching deep beneath the skin,
i wonder if a dermatologist could fix damage this deep,
what if the blood never stops running?
i am going dry,
dry with empty lungs and nostrils filled white
and red
all of it turns red, around, breathing
exhaling, a fake apology

she calls it quits,
and i blame myself
blame myself
blame myself
and lose track of rhyme schemes
and syllables
until all i hear is me screaming no
and them painting blame over my face
"it's your fault, yours"

this is what it takes
to say "it's all okay"
a needle here, and a pill there
this is what it takes
to breathe
your love, your kiss
penetrating past the willow trees
deeper than the purple dashes

dark clouds don't go away
they just move
but when i see your face,
i don't want to leave this place
behind
i want to jump into it
with everything
into every city
that your smile
could light up

silver tears, tears, tears
and red shows, shows, shows
and the pink never comes
and black drenches
and yellow cries (fake)
grey brightens
and your eyes, green,
keep me alive

i counted them out
but there weren't enough
reasons to take more,
more like the number of
metaphors in that line

lightning bolts don't hurt
when you're paralyzed

we take up space
and fill our lungs
with water, like
children, choking,
under gravity

when we walked
to the edge
did we plan
on sinking?
or swimming?

interstellar plans
took us far from home
but in the end,
i think this is where
we always belonged

you make me feel like genesis
i'm eve, and you're adam
our tongues twisted up
in dark temptation
like the name of your cologne

do you like when i tease you?
leaving deep bruises
on your neck
for the world to see?
mine, mine, mine

i scream into your ear
and you pull my hair harder
just before releasing
you say, "i love you"
as you ***

what the **** is a love poem?
poetry is your skin
freckled up and down
but stopping at the shoulders,
halting eternally

our forever is speckled
across your pale stomach
our always is rushing
through your perfect veins
flooding your system

love poems are the words
you spit frequently
passionately, and honestly
blowing them out
like o's, o's, o's

love poems are repetition
but different
"i love you" manifested physically
my hands wet from tears
washed off your cheeks

are you feeling okay?
since i've been yours,
i am whole, complete, full
of love that drips
down my wrists

not blood, but you are mine
yes blood, she is ours
do you melt in my arms
or do i melt in yours
first?

simultaneously, we pour out
our concrete breaths,
heavenly and madly at once
like the love poems
you write upon my lips

the strings inside her were broken
torn

the threads were bare,
loosely wrapped in plastic

cheap

we couldn't repair her
they said just... just replace her

throw her away
like the ones before

but how

she saved me
through the winter months

guided me
through the humidity

replace her?

"she stopped working"
"give it up"

"this one will fit nicely!"
"don't you want to be full?"

i don't like stores