...and so I held her. As the tears continued to spill from her eyes, I held her.
Wrapping my arms around her as if to keep her from falling apart.
I ran my fingers through her hair as I whispered over and over

"I love you.
And it's
gonna
be
okay."

She sits at the dinner table
Flattened lips
Tightly-****** hands
Neutral face
She is disgusted
As she lifts the spoon to her mouth
Immediate remorse fills her body as the taste buds get the first feel of the warm food
She is disgusted
As she continues to eat, she can see the food  turning into fat traveling to her cheeks
and to her jaw and to her arms and to her shoulders and to her chest and to her stomach
covering the bones that she wants to pierce through her skin
She can see it travel to her thighs, largening in size, making them touch, covering the huge gap that she wants situated in the middle
She is disgusted
She gets paler and paler with every chew and every swallow
And so to escape this torture, she lies and tells her uncle and aunt that her stomach is upset
and she feels sick
But she wasn't lying
Because her stomach was truly upset because it did not want to be filled
It wanted to stay tiny
It wanted to stay beautiful
It wanted to be more beautiful
She goes straight to the bathroom and locks the door
Washes her hands before sticking ******* down her throat
Removes them once she feels the disgust rising through her esophagus
Closes her eyes as her upset stomach throws away everything unwanted
She is disgusted
She secures the lock in her bedroom
Thinking maybe it will keep the demons away
Or at least long enough for a second of sanity
But they are too gruesomely evil because the disgust that was once in her throat has now traveled to her wrists
She criticizes how her wrist bone isn't showing enough
Disgust travels to her chest
how her ribs aren't piercing enough
Disgust travels to her hips
how her hip bones aren't showing enough
Disgust travels to her thighs
how the space between isn't big enough
Disgust travels to her fingertips
Tension building up in her palms
The demons' silence turn into screams
She gives in
Picks up the knife
and writes an new poem on her body
I
am
*disgusted

I walked through these pathways
Filled with bumps and craters
I walk always afraid
Cold and shivering from the pains of being alone

When I was willing to finish this journey
That I have traveled for the longest of times
These people came with a flashlight
Lightening the way with beams of hope and guidance

Our journeys were never simply serious
Because we were the type of people who never lost topics to talk about
Our circle was a fountain of thoughts and ideas
All fond of books and music that kept us alive

Even with all the uncertainties clouding above us
I knew we’d always be strong
Our closeness was something different
But different was what always bonded us together

We may have not been the perfect group of friends
But nevertheless I knew that this was a family unlike any other
Because when I’m feeling a little lost,
I know I’ll always have their hands to hold

This boy,
who had so much light in his eyes
whenever he talked about the things he loves.
This boy,
who was my best friend
the person I can share the deep thoughts of my mind with.
This boy,
who never failed to be right by my side
when I just needed holding.
This boy,
who was there to listen
to my pointless ramblings and complaints and curses.
This boy,
who put up with all of my ****
even if it humiliated him and most of the time, pained him.
This boy,
who invested his time
talking to a boring girl like me.
This boy who dedicated so much and cared so much and loved so much.
This boy,
who did not push me to love him
but instead tried his best to show reasons for me to love myself.
This boy,
who had so many ideas
kept all to himself.
This boy,
who put so much effort into helping me
that he forgets to help himself.
This boy,
who doesn't know how brilliant he is
but is focused on his flaws.
This boy,
who wrote beautiful poems
always unnoticed.
This boy,
who was so in love with a girl
that he was willing to die for her.
This boy,
whose good heart
was so tired and fed up.
This boy,
who wanted to give up
and give in to the voices inside his head.
This boy,
who carried so much pain in his heart
and hatred in his skin.
This boy,
who dragged cigarettes
in the evening hoping to release the pain.
This boy,
who simply wanted to escape
from the pains of feeling worthless and unrequited love.
This boy,
who was willing to free himself
and fly from the roof.
This boy,
who wanted to die.
This boy,
who was losing the light
in
his
eyes.

I wait, excited for when I see you again.
touch your fingers
kiss your lips
hear your voice.

But you always wanted more.

Because instead of wanting to see me
you wanted to see how the dress you bought looked on my body,
instead of touching my fingers
you wanted to invade  the parts of my body i regarded sacred,
instead of kissing my lips
you wanted to devour my mouth
and dominate me to show how weak i am,
instead of hearing my voice
you wanted moans and cries of pleasure
screams for the world to hear that I belong to you.

I sit here on the bed.
After your rounds of happiness and my forced labor.
I ask you who was the girl that you were so clearly flirting with last night and you tell me  it was just harmless flirting
and I bite my tongue
because i wanted to scream at you
Is it harmless,
that when you canceled on our date because you said you were sick,
someone told me that they saw you at a club, that you were gripping that girl's waist
and grinding on her like you were her man?
Is it harmless,
that everyday you rub it in my face how immensely inexperienced and timid i am
compared to the other girls you've been with?
Is it harmless,
that you asked me if it's okay if you ***** other girls
and I was taken aback and it was clear that I didn't approve?
You said
"They don't really mean anything, I just need some variety."
I knew right there that even if I didn't allow you, you'd still do it.
And right now
I’m just confused more than ever as I ask you again
What exactly we are and you say
“We're exclusively dating.”
But most of the time it’s more like
exclusively *******
with each other
with other emotions
with our non-existent commitments.
Because after just a mere 5 minutes of you being with me
and I refuse to spread my legs for you,
you have the nerve to lie to my face and look me in the eye and say
"My love for you gets stronger everyday."
And I swoon, being the naive little girl that I am
I am hung up on your words and I say yes when you ask me if we're okay.
But I know that by okay you mean okay with being invaded.
And with every pound, with every ******
The word love is replaced by lust
so now the sentence is
"My lust for you gets stronger everyday
and my love for you decreases the same."

I am so tired and so worn down from the weight of all my insecurities and you come hobbling in with your own bag of insecurities and stick it inside of me which you only do when other girls don't want you to.

Well guess what
For the first time in my life,
I'm
gonna
say
no.