I'm secluding myself from humanity in hopes my rationality will come back soon
I'm burying myself in books, marrying them giving all my love to them
With the innocence of eternal love
The one that will last forever
I drugged myself this morning, in hopes to feel something-- anything.
5 minutes nothing
10 I'm feeling drowsy
20 I'm just sleepy
I took my pain medicine and my sisters fever medicine both combining to make Vicodin, the holy narcotic everyone talks about, but I felt nothing.
I didn't want an overdose, I don't want to die, atleast not now, I guess.
I smoked cigarettes, cigars, ****, hookah, I drank liquor and beer
Nothing.
Last night I combined coffee and cigarettes, I felt heavy and refreshed from the menthol
I felt relaxed.
Now my sweet encounter became a viscous addiction.
I'm a **** up in normal human form.

I can taste you in my mouth
The smell is of you
I can have you for a minute burning in my hand and it's you
I can have you in and out
I can hold you inside me till I pass out
I can throw you out
Put you out and move on with my life
But I always end up feeling shaky
Hoping you were here
Nauseated by the thought of my defeat

I've forgiven myself for these nights of endless sleep
Till the sunrise and the moon showed size
I was sad.
I've forgiven myself from excluding of humanity, starving myself, drinking alone, and drugging my soul
From talking to God in that violent tone
These days of depression, oppression and disgrace
You would try to hold me but empty I was
Made me coffee every morning
Held me tight while I panicked, always keeping yourself cool
Writing is how we communicated, reading how I excluded myself
This summer I read so many books
I don't even know how the world looks anymore
My God is gone
My skin is white
My chest in pain
And you, right there
I'm sorry I didn't let you embrace me, I needed to myself
"We are in this together"
I'm sorry, I forgot.

I hope that when you drink coffee you think of me savoring it next to you at five in the morning as we simultaneously smoke a cigarette.

I hope that the first taste on your mouth reminds you of mine as to when we used to kiss, and the taste of my tongue, filled with coffee and cigarettes stuck through.

I hope that when you hold the mug, it resembles to mine and you think of how I used to put it up against my nose and smell the fresh brew and smile.

I hope that when you finish your first cup you get up and serve yourself another and realize you can’t do that with me.

I hope that when you’re done with your third and fourth round you miss me, because I’m gone, and no one for you will taste like coffee and cigarettes at five in the morning with a spike of me.

I tried not to fall in love with Mila for she was broke
She who hid her crooked honest smile
Holding her coffee every morning
I said hi, she just never noticed I was the one that cared
Her eyes screamed 'help me'
Help me from myself
But no one could ever understand
She who sat alone in the mornings with her writing pad
She who walked alone staring at objects not eyes
I smiled at her everyday, she never looked up
She who probably cried every night
Everyday day
All the time
..
One day Mila walked towards me
I sighed in disbelief
She stared at me with her big brown eyes and said 'Keep this for me'
She handed me her writing pad
She walked away soon
I waited till the next morning
She never came.
She with her absence
She with her obscure self
She with her unveiling silence
All she needed was help
..
I fell in love with Mila
A love that was spurred from afar
For it was no possession
Admiration that was all
She who I could've helped
She who was so beautiful
She who understood how much life was doomed
She who's soul didn't belong here
..
Mila killed herself, for this was not her place, she went to try another universe
I'll be joining her there.