To finally give in
to slip back into that territory
the territory I used to know so well
that used to radiate comfort

Now unknown
like the back of someone else's hand
it's eerie, the way the halls echo
radiating feelings of discomfort

Teetering between yes and no
deciding yes, for my benefit only
wishing I had been level-headed
the correct choice was no

It hurts, the feeling of familiarity
that feeling being no more
rejected by not one, but two
it died a long time ago

What am I expecting?
To be welcomed with open arms?
To be forgiven and washed clean?
Why am I re-opening barely healed wounds?

Hopefully, it isn't comfortable
Neither you nor me can handle that
we met at the worst time possible
familiarity with you is not what I need anymore

You make me nauseous
maybe I misspelled nervous

When I look at you
I want to stare at rippling water
I want the sun to warm my body
I want a plane to cross my vision
to see white birds in a gray sky
I want to see genuine laughs
to smell fresh cut grass in a cool breeze
I want to see a smart car
they never fail to make me giggle
just looking at you, I feel like I'm at a show
when everyone is dancing
nothing but pure joy in their hearts
all feeling as one
my absolute favorite part

Every time I see you
It's like the sun rises in my heart
makes me physically sick

You make me nervous
maybe I misspelled nauseous

You travel the highways of my mind
driving the roads I blocked off
the fear of intimacy, of vulnerability
right on the edge of moving forward

We talked for a bit under the guise of play
with each message, butterflies were born
you self disclosed, I self deprecated
never unveiling my true self

Did I ruin something that could have been?
always damaging
wanting to be friends
maybe more if I could let myself

I travel the long way around to avoid your gaze
somehow, our eyes always meet
butterflies still swarming
Do you know it's me?

As much as I crave your attention
I'm glad you're just a distraction from the past
but I never want to sleep
You travel the highways of my mind

You were never good at apologies
I found that out fairly quickly
So I made excuses for you
I wish I had run out of them sooner
Maybe then I wouldn't feel so hurt

Questions were never asked, never answered

why you wanted something you knew I could not give
why you could never see your faults
why you were a bad friend
why you tested me
why you played with my emotions
why we had relationship problems as friends
why you were pushy
why you were so eager to fall in love with me
why I could not do the same
why you would not give me time to gather my thoughts
why you said those things to me
why it ended the way it did
why I miss talking to you
why I cannot move on
why you hurt me in such a way I cannot forget
why I want to talk one last time
why I am turned off of relationships
why I no longer want love
why I cannot be vulnerable
why you still cross my mind time to time

why?

because I want you to apologize
because I want and deserve closure
because I want to forget you
because I want and deserve to move on

Before you, love was something I wanted
a partner was something I daydreamed about
someone to share my secrets with
then you showed up
Eager to please, I went along with what was said
I became passive, you became aggressive
innocent beginnings, long phone calls
secrets were shared, things only you know
I wanted attention and a friend, but you
you wanted more
more was something I could not give
Feelings were hurt
Egos were bruised
You called me a sinking ship
full of venom, you wished you never met me
like a fool, I forgave you
Anger began to fill my heart
The last time we spoke left no room to speak again
I blocked out most of what was said
ways were parted
scars remained
Almost a year ago I met you
You knew me in a way you did not deserve
I am still wounded, unhealed
Before you, love was something I wanted

Piano on my mind
vaseline on my lips
individuals around me
sitting in the warmth of friendly company
quiet conversations of failed relationships
typing on computers for past due projects
lovers giggling on couches
longing in my heart
downstairs, bright laughter
stars in eyes
hopes and dreams in the works
business ideas forming
window shopping online
a first date on the patio
hot coffee for 2.75
writing on white tiled walls
golden and gun metal jewelry mixed
strangers slowly turning into friends
friends slowly turning into lovers
longing in my heart
tears in my eyes
vaseline on my coffee cup
Piano on my mind

People say death is quiet
I could not disagree more

Birds chirping in the trees
Men laughing, slapping their knees
Muffled parties in the background
humming cars, showing friends what they found
Flags and fences crying in the wind
New flowers determined not to bend
Sitting with families that are not mine
discussing my thoughts with them over time

People say death is quiet
I could not disagree more

A fresh start at 3:27 pm
cloudy day in October
59 Fahrenheit with a steady breeze
lazy breaths and covered arms
warm coffee shop, even warmer people
Carpeted stairs leading to heaven
angels in plaid shirts and fuzzy beanies
windows staring over the city
busy streets, eclectic beings
Hot coffee makes its way down
thinking blissfully in heaven
the devil's tear ringing in my ears
thoughts of crisp leaves
nostalgia for a time that never was
staring at printed bees
hanging around my neck, mink jaws and chakras
A fresh start at 3:34 pm