as a little kid
20 is such a big number
even 10 is impressive
it seems like an unreachable age
an age for true adults
yet here i am 10 months from 20
and i’m far from being an adult

20 is supposed to be a glamorous age
nights at clubs wearing shimmering slips
cosmos in martini glasses
the sound of drunk laughter
but i haven’t even seen a friend in months

instead i’m in sweats
watching Tarantino
drinking sparkling water
and picking my nails
until they resemble small tree trunks

i feel his hands on me
the pads of his fingers
soft as new snow
yet warm to the touch
exciting a fire in me

running fingers through my hair
a stream of auburn locks
but his lips
oh his lips
the way those peach pink lips part
and collide with mine
is like the brilliance of a thousand stars

his skin is warm as if he baked in the sun all day
i can practically hear the drumbeat rhythm of his heart
thrum, thrum, thrum
beating in-synch with mine
as his cheeks flush red
i feel like i’m his
but i’m not
almost
almost
almost enough

anxiety is like yarn
if you use the stress well
you can make a beautiful scarf
but for me
i can’t knit, crochet or macrame
my yarn gets knots and bumps
gets unwound
until it is a mess
that doesn’t even look like yarn

that horrible breathless feeling changes me
it starts in my gut
and feels like the buzz
of a hundred fireflies
i become panicked
not myself
and my alter ego takes over

alter-me is rude, crass, and bossy
the lack of control over the yarn
knots it tighter and tighter
spiralling
down
down
down

looking up from the pit
a light shines
reminds me there’s hope
but like being trapped in a hole
you have to climb out on your own

maybe that’s why i’ve always been alone
i’m used to being my own hero
i’m no princess in a tower
her prince galloping to her side
i build my own ladder
one rung at a time
and save myself

close your eyes
make a wish
blow out the candles
on your birthday dish

close your eyes
lace your fingers
whisper a prayer
let the moment linger

close your eyes
on a rollercoaster ride
cart rolls down
knocking you side to side

close your eyes
think of the day
it may have been hard
but I survived
hip hip hurray

when i was little i had big dreams
fancy cars, turrets on my castle, a stable full of horses
but as time went by
the word “no” became as common as “you” and “i”

“i want to be rich”
“no”
“i want to love how i look”
“no”
“i want to be happy”
“no”

instead i began to accommodate for others
make the “no’s” of their lives into “yes’s”
i worked hard to control my own destiny,
put money in my own pocket,
accomplish my dreams,
but then there was you.

you won me over,
and i know it’s a cliche but you stole my heart
your favourite thing to say to me was “for you”.
“a kiss for you”
“chocolate for you”
“a date for you”

you must have gotten tired of those words though
because soon that’s all i ever seemed to say
you made simple gestures feel like a chore
you made me afraid to say “no”
but why did you always get your way?

her eyes were the colour of a frosted window pane
her hair the colour of a fawn
her smile though gapped could light up a room

she was my best friend
then my crush
then my lover
then the breaker of my heart

i tried to be complete enough for her
but i always lacked a part
a puzzle missing pieces

the girl’s name was Sophia
no, not my girl
the other girl
the prettier girl
the more exciting girl
the girl with more time than i

wasting myself thin balancing a tottering pile
of chores and needs
never enough for anyone
let alone myself

sometimes when it rains my heart pangs like an old injury
a sunken, desperate feeling
like the world has frozen over
like waking up alone
like being the only unhappy person in the room

i dream of love
almost every night
a warm embrace
accepting blissful sweet nothings
creating space in my life for another being

why am i a hopeless romantic
i’ve always fallen in love so easily
a glance
a whisper
an accidental touch
then i’m spiralling
my mind filled with them

girl or boy i’m fixated
unconventionally and conventionally attractive
short or tall
dark or pale
good or bad
i don’t care
as long as you are inaccessible

make me work for you
and i’m as good as gone
can’t get you off my mind
funny how
you’d never do the same

light only appears in darkness
because light is the presence of illumination
so love is like light
beforehand you are alone
a world without love
then they appear
and you realize what you’ve been missing

their existence is your light
shining and guiding you
through hardships and sadness
making your heart feel full despite the circumstances

everything they do
makes your world a little brighter
their gaze
their sweet face when they sleep
the way they cuddle you
their love is your guiding light

winter is bliss
summer is euphoric
fall feels like comfort from a warm blanket,
but none feel as renewing as the smell of spring.

roses unfurl
periwinkle crawls across the garden floor
even dandelions pop up yellow like the sun from the rich earth
the world is a cornucopia of luscious odours

being outside in the fresh air
bathed in sweet perfume
is paradise on earth
a good omen for a good year to come