with her, there was a racing heart.
when we were alone it was because of nerves
--the good kind.
that kind that built up to our first kiss.
the problem came with other eyes on us.
my hands would sweat out of fear.
my eyes constantly scanning the crowds
searching for someone i knew.
she was so proud and bright.
i was ashamed.
people would talk. i couldn't handle it.
they ruined everything,
they made me ruin everything.

i asked my sister what to do about you
she didn't know either
not that you're some enigma that i can't figure out
you're not supposed to know that

i desperately want to let you know
but i can't find the right words
and i don't know if i want to
because then it's all real and that's too scary

sorry i probably seem like some mess
that you can't seem to figure out
dont worry though
we're both in that boat

but i will say this one thing
because it's there and i can't deny it
even though i do try really hard to do just that
**soon

i would write you a love poem if i could.
you deserve to know how much i think about you.
about us.
once i'm done cowering in the corner,
thinking too much about me and other people's opinion,
i think i might.
i hope it makes you smile.

i had trouble breathing
while walking down the halls today
(you had walked by)

my eyes were watering
so i closed them
(the tears were for the nonexistent us)

my throat was burning
and i couldn't speak
(one day i'll figure out how to talk to you)

i just wanted to lay down
and fall asleep on the floor
(your mixed emotions wear me out)

i think the worst is happening
how did i let myself get sick
(i fear that i've fallen for you)

this isn't a battle that we're in,
but you've done a spectacular job
of destroying me.

i probably could have dealt with just you
but you dragged her into it as well.
that was what sealed my fate.

it's true, i tried to hurt you first.
it was a futile effort to make you leave me.
i think i just fueled your spirit.

my move was like aiming to fire.
it was a threat, and i hoped you would buy it.
you were the one to shoot first.

i'm too exhausted for a war.
i want to be done with you.
this is me raising the white flag.

you've won.

i want to drive to your house
and say i'm sorry.
i didn't want to hurt you,
but i had to.

i want to lead you into the dark
where no one can find us
and finally tell you i love you
but it'd be useless.

i want to wipe your tears away.
make you understand,
and justify my actions.
but i don't have an explanation.

i want to kiss you.
to be close to you is to be happy.
we would both finally be happy.
but i don't deserve happiness.

i will break you.
it's a necessary measure,
and i need you to cooperate.

next, i will break myself
by twisting into something
that i'm not meant to be.

we will heal.
this time will be different though.
it might actually work.

(it won't)

she was the first one.
when i was confused and scared,
i just grabbed her hand
and she said it would be okay.
we spent that summer together.
i wish it was a proper romance.
i think about the lake a lot.
the trees weren't comfortable
and i hated the bugs,
but i loved being with her.
something changed that day,
and i ran away from it.
she was hurt and needed comfort.
i could never offer her support,
even later when other things arose.
i kept on failing and i don't think
she will ever forgive me.
i don't think i'll ever forgive myself.
i constantly feel like i'm going to lose her.
and i don't think i would survive that.
please be considerate enough
to at least say goodbye.