Is it bad I crave connection at 15 years old?
Because the more and more I crave, the more and more I mold.
I crave human connection.
human bond.
I've grown fond
of that church boy I see every Sunday morning.
He's so effortlessly himself.
unlike anyone I've ever seen.
Straightforward. Never mean.
He's intelligent and smart,
and has a good heart.
I crave human connection!
Something deep.
Something rich.
Something true.
I want you...
to be the one I talk to...
about my day.
And I want to lay...
my head on your chest so I can hear your heart beat.
I crave to let you explore my soul.
My secrets.
My fears.
My dreams...
Everything I have that is bottled up within me, I crave to share with the one who consumes my thoughts.
You have this incredible way of making me happy,
and I crave to do the same for you!!

Maybe I'm overthinking,
but I feel as if I'm sinking,
headed into some downward spiral.
The flowers in my garden, are not being well kept.
and I'm not willing to accept...
myself for who I truly am.
I'm beginning to intercept...
new feelings and new emotions.
I'm beginning to walk on ,
new territory, new ground.
I've found,
all the bits and pieces,
and I always put them back in the wrong places.
Then I wear all these new faces,
and I become brainwashed to my identity.
Who I am as a human.
Gone.
Within the milliseconds of silence between steps when your feet don't touch the floor.
At that moment, I realized I wanted more.
Because I was feeling emptied and drained.
All this **** I've contained...
and held within me,
is forcing its way out.
So I tear off all my masks,
knowing I'm risking failure.
Without them, I'm left faceless.
It's a long and drawn out process...
of becoming.
Because when a new feature,
blends with your human creature,
your soul
starts to feel whole.
I no longer feel like a hostage in my own skin.
I'm starting to break in,
hour by hour,
no longer a Withered Flower!!

My eyes searched for you in the same crowd of people we are crammed in daily...
Within the hallways of the school we both attend.
Our eyes would meet & I couldn't help but smile every time I saw you.
until I realized, your eyes were glazed.
You didn't see me.
& you never did!

Trying to describe the day that I finally gave up is nearly impossible.
It created in me this uneasiness,
But now I'm overwhelmed with a calm I can hardly verbalize.
I stood on the hillside,
Under the stars,
Then I rolled up my sleeve,
And saw my scars.
All the while,
Trying to smile,
When memories started surface.
I was reminded of all the slicings of that ****** blade across my arm,
And all the thoughts of self harm,
That it brought.
How I just wanted to rot,
And tear up the inner walls of my mind.
All I wanted was to find...
That authentic happiness that resided in so many of my peers.
Not finding it brought me to tears.
My eyelids were swolen.
And so was my heart.
It reeked of fumes that could tear you apart.
All the inner sores that were held within my being,
Were caused by my fears, anxieties, and paranoia.
Being held captive by them, while hiding in plain sight, is obliterating... to one!
I crave a gift... rare and precious, that so many have the capacity and strength to hold.
...that electricity that makes them look alive and vibrant... I wanted it.
I miss the days of constant oblivion, when nothing was there to muddy my understandings of life's complications.
Nothing was there to distort the view I once had... so long ago.
...or so I thought.
Obviously something was there.
And whatever it was, it allowed me to transition to one world to the next. I was in nothingness, and suddenly transported to another dimension of suffering and sorrow...
Of brokenness and devastation.
Obviously something was there.
Because I non-intentionally allowed it to intertwine with myself today.
My thoughts,
My feelings,
My decisions,
And everything that's me.
As I strattle this in between line of feeling lost and broken,
I see myself growing.
Extending in size and strength.
I see myself learning,
And becoming wiser.
I'm learning how to grow as an individual, on the verge of adolescence.
And doing so was a milestone for me.
Overtime I became someone,
Who possessed enough strength and capacity to not be paralyzed in the presence of hardships,
Or to not feel numb or emotionless when pushed around by someone.
I changed.  I M M E N S E L Y !

Isn't it shocking,
That I find myself walking,
On trails of what could be?
I'm drawn to this unique connection that we suddenly share.
I caught a glimpse of his soul...
And thought how I wanted nothing but his whole...
Being.
As I started seeing
The smile that played perpetually across his face, I knew.
I knew, there was something more.
Because all I wanted was to pour...
Myself into him.
And only him.
There was no longer this fractured image of myself in my head.
Finding you, was like finding this piece of me, that made all of my brokenness fit back together again.
Mind, body, and soul.
I was whole.
Because of you,
I was whole.

Missing you comes in waves.
Tonight I'm drowning in the tears of your absence.
Wishing you were right here beside me.
I have this illogical tendency to fall for the impossible.
Yet, I fight for it anyway.
Why wouldn't I?
You have this incredible way of making my heart happy.
And even at your worst you're beautiful.
I want to be with you.
It's as simple and as complex as that.
I miss you the most at night.
When it's dark, and your arms aren't there to hold me when I'm scared.
At night, when it's quiet, and the silence reminds me of how I'm not sleeping next to you.
I crave you all the time,
so deeply, it's this physical ache.
I miss your voice.
I miss your smile.
I miss your laugh.
I miss you teasing me.
I miss you so much I can hear my heart breaking.
I miss you;
A little too much,
A little too often,
and a little bit more everyday.

I hope when I look into your eyes and you look into mine, we don't see perfection.  I don't wanna see this billboard of rainbows and smileys.  I hope to see a man that is so effortlessly himself, that he enables me to become myself. The self God had in mind when He created me.  I hope to see a man who will fight for me, protect me, and love me, in spite all the ways I'm still a wreck.  I hope you love this mess that I am, and invite me to travel into the deepest depths of your soul, as I reveal to you the secrets that are bottled up within me.  I hope to feel free.  Free to contemplate and understand the universe and galaxies and all that's held within it.  All it possesses, like, the planets and stars.  I hope that when we try to comprehend all the things that dance around in our heads on some daily loop, we fall even harder for each other.  Things like, non-existent happenings, future life plans, and worse case scenarios.  I hope we see potential in each other, I hope we constantly work to bring that potential out.  I hope to hold your hand and share jokes with you.  I hope to write you ****** love poems.  I hope to wear your sweaters and drink coffee, while discussing life's complications with you.  And when you're ill, I hope to make you chicken noodle soup.  I hope to give you forehead kisses while cuddling on the couch.  I hope to join you at games of your favorite sports teams, or concerts of your favorite bands.  I hope to adventure with you and do life with you.  I hope to minister with you, feed the hungry with you, and change the world for Jesus with you.  And I hope you love me entirely.