I consistently wonder
Who I would be,
If he never touched me
If he never forced his fingers
Down my throat
Locked his sweaty palm
Around my neck
And probed my body with his *****

There have been so many showers
Struggling to wash away
The perfect details of that night.
The massive weight of his stomach
Pinning me against the frame of the cot,
The shock of how invasive
******* could be,
The moist expression of orange juice and *****
Whispering,
“This feels like a dream.”
The immense fear.

I wept into my friend’s arms the next day.
“That’s the ****** part about being a woman.”
Was all she had to say.

I did not tell anyone else
For years.
I watched, as if in a glass cage;
The echoes of my people being engrained into me

"You wanted it.
     You just regretted having ***.
         You are just searching for attention.
             You weren’t actually *****."

I witnessed women accept the blame
Of something that was done to them.
I did not want to hear the verification
That I was the one at fault.

I forgot that
I had value as a person.
I forgot that
I was more than just a body.
I forgot myself.

I remember afternoons
Cradled against my father’s shot gun
Never knowing what was pulling me away
From pulling the trigger.


Change seemed to swell slowly
An unnoticeable growth
Until it had built enough
To crash me into the blunt realization:
It was not my fault.

It was not my fault
That I was sexually assaulted
By a twenty-two-year-old man
When I was sixteen.
It was his fault.
It was Max’s fault.

I still wonder who I would be,
If no one woke me up that night.
If his girlfriend had stayed.
If his friend,
Sleeping ten feet away,
Had intervened.

But now,
I can look at myself and feel strength.
The strength that pulled me away from death.
The strength to face my vulnerability.
The strength to move forward.
The strength to love.
The strength to be happy.

He says he loves me
He says that my smile glows of hope
And laughter
And wisdom
He says that I have this glow in me
That radiates out
Embracing life
He says I'm enough

But he only sees my reflection
And if he tried to skip a stone
He would see the perfection
Transform
Create shapes not welcome
Let him peak
At the murky bottom
Filled with treasure and trash
All covered in slime

My smile,
Is crooked
Has yellow spots and cavities
And the only thing that it beams
Is the breathe of my last catastrophe.

He calls me wise.
Only because he has never witnessed
The mistakes I step into,
The mistakes I give one more chance,
The mistakes that haunt in every corner-
Even the corner of my smile

He says he looks me in the eyes and sees hope.
I wonder where.
For when I glance at them
There is only emptiness,
And despair,

And the only thing I radiate
Is a warning
Do not tread that path
To the one lake
With the pretty reflection
It is just a mask
And though you may love a beautiful mask
A mask is not enough

But he says a mask can't mask everything
A mask can't mask
How I look up
When I'm on the brink of tears
As if the sun will wipe away my worries
A mask can't mask
How when a hand is outstretched
My whole being is clasped around it
A mask can't mask
That light that shines out of you.
Because,
Darling,
That light is too bright,
For even all of your self doubt,
Worries,
And the world,
To burn it out.

And a mask can't mask
And a skipping stone won't transform
That I love you
And because of him
I think
I can love me too.

First period is always the worst.
After hours of perfect, statuesque silence
I am poked, prodded, abused
Why is he always so angry
So hateful
His fingers claw  at me
His feet collide into my legs
And sometimes,
He loses his temper all together
And in a furious rage
He hurtles me against the wall
As if destroying a mere chair
Will solve all problems
Finally he leaves as second period begins
And I am filled with blandness
A person trying to blend
Never lifting a finger or muttering a word
It suffocates me with its nothingness
I force myself to get lost in time
But it always seems like eternity
It's not at all like when she sits in me
Sixth hour is always the best
She comes in with a soft step
Quietly settling herself in
She seems solemn most days
As if filled with disappointment
I wish I could embrace her
Let her know she is loved
But I can't
No chair can
It's a shame,
Next year, she'll be gone
And all be left with pokes, prods, and unhappiness.
I am just a chair after all.

There was something about her
That made memories linger
But I remember her in bits
How she fuddled with her fingers
And how a glance from her
Was like recieving a hug in an envelope
There was a sparkle in her eyes
Just a bit hope

She had a sly smirk
Whenever she schemed
She found happiness where ever it lurked
Even in the saddest dreams
She saw how every detail is perfect
Or so it seemed

She was a complete mess
And justified it
When she confessed
That chaos is beauty
But lacked to see her own loveliness

Her image was disproportionate
She couldn't even fathom
That the way her way of life
Had so much value and passion
It created an effect of inspiration
To any one she spoke

And she couldn't believe
How much she meant to me
I guess she just didn't know
That there was something about her
That made her glow.

I live in a strange world I call my own
My subconscious artist fills in my soul
Life is different, but it’s what I've known

She creates smiles on faces and their demons too
A contradicting realm that makes me whole
I live in a strange world I call my own

Her puppets clash and collide right on cue
Casting herself as the commanding role
Life is different, but it’s what I've known

If only my subconscious and I knew
That painting this life costs an awful toll
I live in a strange world I call my own

The picture I see makes my true rays few
I become nothing more than what I stole
Life is different, but it’s what I've known

I crave to turn this canvas blank and new
And fly away forever, hope would fix my soul
I live in a strange world I call my own
Life is a different, but it’s what I've known.

Change always startles me
It seems to always lurk
In secret corners of life
You'll only notice it
If you search
If you abruptly turn around
And catch the reflection of your past
Noticing all the new smudges
And the clutter in the background
Each memory taking up more space
I remember when it was vacant.
Just blank
Slowly filled as life progressed
Trading some items,
Hiding others
Each tweaking at your soul
Making the reflection you see
The reflection that startles me.

It was one of those days
Where even the sun seemed dim
Suffocating air
Filled the deafening silence
Hideous beauty
Covered faceless emotions
As echoing whispers forcefully escaped
And a truth was found hidden in a lie
It was a line of hateful love
That created the destruction
Of a blessed sinner
Who was filled with cruel innocence
Unaware of the silent melodies
Of dying life
Swirling still inside her
But since he was born dead
Every day was one of those days
Where even the sun seemed dim

Out of billions
I stand alone
Watching the gift of smiles
Float over my head
I grasp for a hand
But only catch air
Others flooded with love
Flee from my desert
Only one lingers
My hands flutter around him
Searching for the perfect embrace
But he evaporates
And condenses far from me
However, love blossoms from the distance
He fears this passion
For being drenched
Doesn't belong with the dry
But he nudges towards me nonetheless
Radiance begins to overflow us
Desert sand turns to glass
And I am gone,
Invisible to his eyes
I guess it was just meant to be-
That out of billions
I stand alone.

I've been having these dreams
Where time was nonexistent
Where the water kissed the shoreline
There were no people
No animals
Only figures of happiness
We weren't classified
By how we looked
But by how we laughed
Where we were only half of something
Searching our whole lives
For that laugh
That made us complete,
That made our laugh louder
That made a smile
Brush upon our face
Every mere thought of them
I've been having dreams
Where I became complete
But I fell
Into oblivion
Into a different world
Made of uneasiness and misery
And for the longest time,
I struggled
For none of the cries
Ever laugh or hinted a smile
And then I realized-
I would have to wake up
To find that world of happiness
To find my missing half
To find you

Put down your weapons
Whether it be words of love
Or a strangling glove
There is no need for such felons.

Take away your guard
And let the people behold
Your beautiful heart of gold
In the end, it will be a reward

Make your judgment be fair
Allow the light to crack
Just sick back
And let the people stare.

For in the end,
Promises will be broken
Your voice will be shaken
But it will never get better if you just pretend

I remember
Hearing the wind
Whisper to the trees,
To have the stars
Kiss me goodnight,
To feel the moist earth
Underneath my feet,
To have everything
Make perfect sense
Then I met you,
And my world started spinning
In a different direction-
The Unknown
Where everything must be questioned
But there was a sense
That no matter what happened
I couldn’t be lost
Not with you there
To guide me on
Now you,
My missing puzzle piece
Have fallen off the table
Into the cold abyss of snow
Where not even spring could revive you
Your light and warmth
Have been captured
By the frost and darkness
And now I don’t think I’ll ever be found
In our world that was once spinning
In a different direction
Because without you
My world has drawn a blank
But I remember
When the wind whispered to the trees
And everything made sense

It was your craft
That finally I laughed
At this whirlpool of monstrosity
That was full of false guarantees

It was your gnawing anguish
That made me stop and wish
That a savage fire
Burned this realm of desire

But I think it was your enraged smile
That made it worth all the while
To step away from your nightmare
And take my radiant sun elsewhere

What would you do, if I slipped in your life
Jumbled the thoughts planted deep in your mind
Placed your life carefully under the knife
But saved you to make you think I was kind?

If I stole your cold heart, what would you say?
Would you stomp and stare with eyes that glower?
Let me warn you, I would just slip away
And I wouldn't help in your darkest hour

How would you act, if I made you less black
And made the light peek through your filthy fire?
So let loose your fears without looking back
And throw away your hideous desires

For what would you do, if life was a place
Where the beauty of love is without any grace?

I swept away the ashes
Causing gray flakes to fill the air
Clinging to new found objects

I swept away the lies
Clearing them out of the open
Shifting them to be forgotten

I swept away a tear
Hoping to sweep away emotions
That flood my vacant mind

I swept away my hope
That this could get better
Replacing it with realization

I swept away the bronze ring
A promise that became broken
A smile now lost in time

I swept away the ashes
Just to see the floorboards yet again

If you crack open the door
To another’s world
You peer into their eyes
Scavenge around their brain
You discover a fortress of darkness
A collection of horrific events
Confined only by the fear of destruction
Huddling together
To defend themselves against the ways of the good
Slowly recruiting more witnesses of unforgettable misery
Surrounding the wicked, a new substance forms
Brilliant memories
Those which sparks fly
Emotions collide
Becoming uncontrollable happiness
Happiness so vibrant it blinds all the evil that gazes upon it
Its depth created an abyss
So those who crashed to its bottom
Were overwhelmed with laughter
Venturing on,
Rolling hills of sweet dreams
Seep imagination into souls
Inspiring a few to sprout wings
And soar
But most stayed grounded
And stumbled into unsuspected pleasures
Miniature eruptions of perfect bliss
That flowed into a mellow harmony
Soon they realized the bittersweet feeling
Of an incomplete catastrophe
Of remaining inside artificial boundaries
However, they discover the interpretation of life
And how it can all be summed
In the look of an eye
For the universe,
Is only found within

I miss that old tree
Made out of dark, hard wood
Forever standing
With twisted grooves
That let you glimpse at its tales
I remember the strong branches
Which held me up to see the world
And caught me
Before I stumbled into an awful fate
I liked to rub my fingers
Over the scratched, unprotected wood
That people engraved with their names
Just wanting to be remembered
I long to watch the stories of the leaves again
They weren't afraid of their future
But embraced it
And my ears still echo
With the voices of robins
Whose mystifying melodies
Slipped me into daydreams
Daydreams of adventures
Of memories of the old oak
I was eager to have it whisper its wisdom
To have my eyes open to the world
Oh, how I miss that old tree
Oh, how I miss that old part of me.