I didn't think my heart could feel the flutter of butterflies
But there it is
And I didn't suspect that my stomach was capable of holding more than water
But I can feel the anticipation there
I didn't predict that I could see myself with someone other than him
But there you are..
With your long hair at your eyebrows, curled and waved
And your delicate nose that looks fine ***** and pointed
With your smooth lips that can laugh as easily as smile
You complimented me on my Sleeping With Sirens shirt
I doubt I could forget that
You play jazz like I do, you wear the sweatshirt all the time
You speak so softly as if the words you say might shatter over my ears
You should stop
Because soft words make me fall in love

3.23.14*
Remember the evenings when we sat on your trampoline and listened to music that belonged in movies?
What could you have possibly thought of me in those moments that I opened up?
Did you actually still love me or did you think me a fool?
I thought you belonged with the sky on those evenings that the sun set in a pool of gold, because you were perfect enough.
I thought that the line of your nose and the curve of your jaw was perfect.
I suppose I still do.

It's like you died, darling.
That's how I feel.
I can't even talk to you anymore because you'd never answer.
I can't ask you how your sister is doing or how you and Joshua are in your friendship.
And you won't ask me how I'm doing because why would you all of the sudden care?
It's funny because you never really asked how I was doing, at least I can't ever remember a time.
Did you ever really care?
Was that entire six months a lie?
God, did I fork over my heart for only to gain a sense of heartache?
Please, I need to know.

Every time I think of never talking to you again my soul tightens and so do my eyes.
Or maybe they droop.
Can you tell?
Even as I am sitting here writing this all, pouring out my feelings my heart still forgives you for not replying to me.
For hating me. .
And I hate how I can't hate you, couldn't even bring myself anywhere near.
I hate the way you look at me with wide eyes, suspicious deer eyes, like I'm going to explode into a million pieces at your feet, like I'm going to beg for you back.
As if you're good enough for that.

Did Marina not feel like me?
You ditched her rather quickly, I have to say.
That was a **** move on your part.
Who's your new conquest?
Your new unsuspecting victim?
Jessica maybe?
Ir Gilly again?
They all think you're a lake, glassy and smooth.
But they don't get the shallow part.
You don't have layers, you don't even have leagues.
So how did I fall into your 2000 league deep eyes?
I must not have known how to swim. .

2.24.14*
Today we didn't talk.
We never do, though.
I kept glancing at you because something seemed different.
Are you friends with Marina again?
What about Gillian?
You have a whole array to choose from.
I was just one in the deck of cards you hold.

I made eye contact with you on accident in the hallway.
I smiled real quick but I could feel that it didn't reach my eyes.
Did you notice?

I don't fully blame you  for not paying attention to me.
I'm not even a **** in a flower garden.
I'm a dust particle really.
There are far more wondrous orbs to behold out in the cast gallery of time an space.

Remember the day late in the afternoon when I bared myself to you?
I remember.
You did it before I could even stop you.
But I didn't feel completely wrong because I loved you, I think.
I let you see me in ways no one had seen me before.

My feelings were in your hands from day one, I want you to know.
Everything I had was yours the moment I confessed love.
I never told you that Josh helped me get you to say that you loved me.
Did you mean it?
Or were you in love with the idea of being in love?

I think I love you.
But we are only teenagers, dear.
We can't possibly know the meaning of the word.
Do you know the true definition?
Because not even the dictionary does.
I think I was in love with your hair or your ice blue eyes.
I loved your laugh, the slow tentative kind that would interrupt you when you spoke.

Your personality was a bit grey, though.
I can only imagine how bad I was.

2.23.14*
My dear, what have you done to us?
I though we could be friends, but I guess not.
I wanted to go on adventures and I wanted to talk about things that no one else could get out of you.
I wanted to go exploring with you in the deep woods and listen to music with you.

Do you see how much I miss you?
Can you see in the curve of my mouth how sad I am?
Can you see in the droop of my eyes how deadened I am?
You've condemned me to sadness, darling.
My nights are long enough to count the billions of stars in the cast blue-black sky.
You were my entire world.

I look at your blog almost every day to see how you are faring..
It must be bad for you but to me it's nothing.
Do the words carry even an ounce of what you feel?
Even the posts on mine aren't deep enough to hold my soul.
It seems like the pictures only outline what I feel while yours sum everything up.

Are you that shallow?

2.22.14*
Darling, where are you when I need you most?
My heart is breaking.
I don't know what I'm feeling anymore, maybe nothing.
I've missed you for the past month and a half.
It's killing me inside to not talk to you.
I've said this all before, I know.

You said you wanted someone who cared for you and who loved you.
Have you already forgotten about me?
Wasn't I anything?
Did you actually love me, darling>
Or was a step along the way, a test ride, a pre to a post?

I tried so **** hard for you, darling, I tried.
I wanted to to make you happy so I tried to smile even though I couldn't.
I tried to tell you everything but I couldn't because you would be unhappy with me.
I was terrified of losing you.
Petrified to be exact.
You were my rope, my tether quickly fraying.
Please hold me down again.

I'm sad, once more.
So sad it physically pains me to say your name.
God's telling me to suffer for the wrongs I did you.
You never believed in God, I remember.
Do you now?

I want to know how you're doing even as I try to forget you.
One of these nights I want to call you and hear you say hello before quickly hanging up.
I want to ask how you sister is doing or if you've gotten a dog yet.
I want to know whether or not you've made songs yet or if your dad has his you lately.
I want to know if you miss me or us.
Have you found someone else to "fill" the empty spot in your heart?
Are you well?
Do you miss me?

You should see all the poems I've written about you.
People say it's beautiful how pained I sound, but they don't ask who did it to me, who caused the pain.
Not many people do, now that I look back on it.
When you broke up with me everybody sided with you because they didn't think you'd be capable of causing this much hurt.
You're too humble, too giving, to...nice.
I guess I'm alone in my standings.

Remember the last we touched and sparks seemed to fly
Uncontrollably
And remember the last time we locked eyes and I think mine broke into
Shards
Because God, who wouldn't miss yours
I can't remember the last time we talked
Just a hello
Just a hey
I mean what did I do wrong
I think I've spent too much time trying to figure it out
Have you done the same?
Have you thought of what you did wrong because you broke me or at least
Cracked me
Can you get over that?
Call me in the middle of the night and cry
Please
I just want to hear your voice
Anything can be better than silence on the other end of the line
You don't know of the drafts in my phone
That I've saved on the late nights when I can't sleep
The "I love you" I was about to breathe before you said
"Let's take a break"
Is still stuck in my throat and I remember the day we sat in your car
I couldn't swallow hard enough it seemed like
Because I still feel like I need to throw those words up
But I'm afraid that if I speak to you I will get sick on your shoes
Or mine
I wish we could just sit in the trees and be quiet
So that you could hear my heart
Breaking

It's nearly 1 in the morning and the ***** in my veins is blurring my fingers into fins.
I can't think straight, is that normal after 3 months of heartbreak?
My lungs feel too full, like an over-blown balloon but my esophagus can't get enough air in.
Isn't there a potion to make these feelings go away?

Have you thought of me lately?
I hope you haven't because I heard that thinking about each other means that things are going to become difficult again.

My 16th birthday is coming up and I can't decide whether or not to invite you to the hellhole called my "sweet sixteen" (whatever that's supposed to mean.)
Because we haven't talked in 3 months and I think I'd miss you too much to not stare at your face from across the fire pit.
I'd isolate myself in the branches of the trees so that I could be calm enough to sleep.

Everytime we make eye contact my eyes go soft and droopy and yours tighten with every beat of your heart.
Are you emotions ******* around the back of your tongue because I haven't heard a peep from between your God given teeth since the day we died.