I remember that spring morning all too well
As much as I wish I could forget
It was the Monday after prom
I came into math class, the teacher was eyeing me sympathetically
Then the principle came in with tears in her eyes
What was going on?

She started balling, I could barely make out her words
Then I heard her loud and clear
You were dead
No. No. No.
Surely I misheard
Surely this was all a big misunderstanding and the boy in that car wasn't you
Surely you'd stroll into class 10 minutes late as usual
But it was you in that car
And you never strolled into class again

I remember when I told my best friend, the girl you loved and who loved you
As I told her you were dead I watched the life drain from her face quicker than an avalanche falling,  and it has yet to return

And now her face is a reminder
And now your empty desk is a reminder
And now that bench where you used to sit all the time is a reminder
And that one less chair at our graduation is a reminder
And that picture of you in the hallway is a reminder
Everything is a reminder

No one really knows what happened to you that night
Do people really crash into brick buildings on accident?
Maybe you lost control of the car
Maybe you lost control of your life

All I know is seventeen is way too young to die
All I know is we should've been talking about prom that morning  
Who kissed who, who wore what, who's after party was the best
But instead we were mourning the death of a classmate
That morning we lost you, and along with you, we lost our innocence too

I remember towards the end of my parents marriage
Their arguing was inescapable
I tried to drown it out, but the screaming was too loud
And the temptation of eavesdropping was too much
I should have turned my music up    
I wish the things I heard could become unheard

My heart ached for both of them
Because I'm sure they were just trying to figure out what went wrong and when
And I'm not really sure how people go from lovers to strangers
Because at one point they meant the world to each other
But suddenly it seemed they were living in two different worlds

And I wonder if they were ever happy together
Or if they were just putting on a show
I want to believe they were once were in love, most of me believes it
I guess I'd like to think my existence is from a place of love and not bitter resentment

I swear there was a time when they looked at each other like they shared some secret
And smiled at each other with knowing smiles
Now when they see one another their eyes are just filled with contempt
And there's no trace of a smile on their strained lips

Which leaves me to question
How does someone you know become someone you knew?
How does someone who was your present, your future, so quickly become your past?
How does someone who was your world become a memory fading out of existence?
How does someone you love become someone you loved?

There's nothing glamorous
About kneeling on the cold bathroom floor
Staring into the toilet
At your dinner
With a finger down your throat
And an imaginary gun to your head  
Trying to quiet your heaving
So your family doesn't wonder
And not stopping until you are empty
Until you are sure that every ounce of your enemy that we call food is out of your body
The same body your mother spent hours and hours pushing out of her so your beauty could be shared with this word
Your body which was once a vessel for beauty and love
But has now become a vessel for your self hatred and distruction
No
There's nothing glamorous
About staring into the mirror
After its all said and done
Looking into your blood shot eyes
Searching for something that was lost when you rid yourself of that food
Running your hands under warm water  
Trying to wash away the scent and shame
But no matter how hard you scrub
No matter how much soap you use
No matter how strong the water pressure is
They linger
And linger
And linger
No
There's nothing glamorous  
About your mother looking at you with tear filled eyes
And asking if you're doing "it" again
Because she can't even stomach to say what "it" is
Almost like you can't stomach the thought of being away from a toilet for more than a few hours
And all you reply with is a dishonest no
You watch as she slowly dies inside
Because she knows no means yes
And she pleads with you
"Why" she cries
And you don't even bother to answer
Because even as sick as you are you know how twisted your reasoning is
No
There's nothing glamorous
About your life revolving around the next time you can get to a toilet
When all you can think about is that next purge
That next release
That next cleanse
Because when you purge you're not only purging your food
But you're purging all those thoughts of stopping, all those thoughts of getting better
When that food hits the water those thoughts quiet
All you hear is "get it out" "get it all out"
They are silenced by your need to be perfect
To be thin
No
There's nothing glamorous
About soar throats
And mouth soars
Scared knuckles
And puffy cheeks
No
There's nothing glamorous
About slowly destroying your body
Your body which is now just a peetry dish for your sick thoughts
Everyday
From the inside
Out
Trust me
I know

Remember that morning you came home with a black eye?
Neither of us ever acknowledged it
Because that's what we do
Maybe we think if we pretend it didn't happen then it's not true
Ignore it. It will go away.
But it doesn't go away
It lingers
And lingers
It lingers like the scent of a cigarette long after it burns out
And we continue to pretend it doesn't exist
We put on brave faces
We act like everything's okay
But it's not
It's not okay. None of its okay.
We have an image to maintain
We want everyone to believe we're perfect
But we're not.
We're not perfect. We're far from it.
We're bruised and broken just like your black eye
And maybe we could heal if we acknowledged our problems
But we don't acknowledge them
Instead we deny
Deny. Deny. Deny.
Denial is deadly
Just look at what happens to us.

I see the way they look at you
All googly eyed and giggly
Their want is so obvious
Like school girls clawing for your attention

Then I see the way they look at me
With such bitterness in their eyes
I hear the whispers
The catty words that roll off their tongues sting
I try not to take it personal, I've seen it done to the girls that came before me

It never made sense to me, they don't even know you
They know you for the way you look and the way you walk
For the way you dress and the way you talk
I'm scared if they really knew you they'd fall in love with you for real
Actually, I know they would, I did

I hate the way they look at you
I hate the way they talk about you
I hate the way they want you
But most of all I hate the way they make me feel

My insecurity reels it's ugly head
The thought that you can have any of them always lingers
I'm scared that you'll slip threw my fingers
And into theirs

The month I spent in the hospital was strange and dismal
The days seemed to blur into one long melancholia,
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired
My body was weak and so was my fight
The hospital's sterile smell and white walls began to feel like home

I remember the first time I saw myself, in that dark and depressing hospital bathroom
I caught my reflection in the mirror
Ashen skin, dark circles, protruding bones
Who was this girl?
I winced at the sight of her

I looked like I was dying, but then again, the doctors thought I was
What was happening to me? My body was betraying me and it showed
No wonder my mother had been looking at me like she had seen a ghost lately
With sorrow and fright filled eyes

I woke up one night to her sobs
I pretended not to hear, it was easier that way
I was so selfish then
Too wrapped up in my own misery to hear her cries

The days felt like years in there
Eventually the visitors and flowers stopped
But I didn't mind
I needed to clear my thoughts
And watching people try to hide their trepidation when they saw me for the first time was growing old

People never know what to say or do around a sick person
What do you say to someone who's dying?
Do you ask them how they are? You already know the answer
But you ask anyway, then they lie and say they're fine
Because "that's a stupid question" is an inappropriate response

I remember the day they said I could go home
Suddenly, I felt dysphoric
Why was I feeling this way? I hated it here
But in a twisted way I was going to miss it
Because sometimes, we find comfort in chaos

Remember when we were three?
When we used to run around my backyard with our grass stained knees?

Remember when we were six?
We were attached at the hip, with our matching outfits and silly tricks

Remember when we were nine?
That summer we spent our days making sandcastles on the shoreline

Remember when we were eleven?
When my parents got divorced?
I moved out of the neighborhood, and it seemed like you moved on from our friendship for good

Remember when we were thirteen?
When you started acting mean?
You started ignoring me at school
I guess that's when you started being "cool"

Remember when we were fourteen?
When you said I looked bulimic, with a disgusted look on your face
Guess what, that was the case
I could have used a friend, I wasn't well
Your words hurt like hell

Remember when we were fifteen?
When you took that pregnancy test?
To get boys to notice you you were always getting undressed  
I tried to ignore the rumors  
But they were about as glaring as a tumor

Remember when we were seventeen?
And you got that DUI?
Because you decided to drive drunk and high
I wanted to shake you
I wanted to believe that it wasn't true
That my best friend was now a stranger
That she would do something so dumb, putting herself and others in danger

I miss you
I miss the girl you used to be
The one who was so funny and carefree
We used to be two peas in a pod
But now when I see you things just feel odd
When I'm with you I might as well be alone, but I guess that's part of us becoming grown

Isn't it strange
How people change?

I've lost you   
Somewhere between our late night talks and early morning drives
(The ones that no longer happen)
Somewhere between college applications and graduation gowns
Somewhere between new friends and old ones
Somewhere between you drinking on Wednesday nights and popping pills to function Thursday morning
Somewhere between ****** up feelings and crowded thoughts
Somewhere between my fourth cup of coffee and your fifth cigarette
Somewhere between you not caring and me not trying
Somewhere between rushing strangers and passing cars
Somewhere between this coffee shop and home  
Somewhere between hello
And goodbye

If you love someone
Show them
Let them be your sun, and you be their moon
Tell them they are what you dream about
Show them
Make them feel like the most beautiful thing in this world,
Everyday, just incase they forget
Show them
Write about them
Let your thoughts run free
Buy them flowers just because
Show them
Drive 1,000 miles just to see their face
Make them something
Anything, just to show your love
Show them
Look at them like they're all you see
Kiss them like its the first and last
Show them
Take them to the place you two first met
Where your eyes met, and you just knew
Grab their hand and don't let go
Show them 
Tell them your secrets and find out theirs
Travel the world with them
Show them
Take them to see their favorite band, even if its not yours
Learn to love the things they love
Show them
Lie with them, just lie with them
Lie with them as you examine all their wonder
Kiss their flaws tenderly

If you love someone
Show them  
Because one day it will be too late  
And all you'll be left with is an infinity of ways you could have showed them
But didn't

You said you loved my bruises
That there was something beautiful about those purple and blue splotches against my porcelain skin
That my body looked like a water color painting

You said you loved my scar
As you would traced your fingers along it, up and down my chest and between my *******
Your fingers were so earnest
Like a teenage boy feeling the sway of a girls hips beneath him for the first time

You said you loved my stretch marks
That they were a beautiful addition against the backdrop of my curves
How the feel of them made you unable to quit,  as you ran your hands down my hips and kissed my lips

I just have one question for you
You loved my flaws, or so you said
But obviously your love is dead
So what did she have that I didn't? Was she more beautiful than I?
Tell me, please tell me, I promise I'll try not to cry

I was fourteen that summer
We only spent a week together
And it may have only been a week
But God you made my knees weak

And I remember the moment I first saw you
So tall and slender, with those big brown eyes
You sat down next to me on the those front steps
And now every time I see those steps
I still think of you

I was shucking corn when you offered to help
Your southern drawl was so enticing
I handed you an ear, and your hand graced mine
God your touch took my breath away
You told me you liked my shirt
It doesn't fit me anymore, but I keep it anyway

I remember that night around the bomb fire
When I pointed out the small dipper
You looked over at me with those big brown eyes
You told me I was like the small dipper
I'm still not really sure what you meant by that
But it sounded romantic, and I smiled

The day you left I didn't move
Knowing that my whirl wind romance
Had run its course
I saw you one year later
But all I could offer was a meek hello
I wanted to say more
But then you were gone
And I was left wondering

I wonder what you thought of me  
If you were as anamored by me
As I was by you
If I made your heart smile and your ears sing
As you did mine
If for that one week
You were as in love with me
As I was with you  

It's been five years
But my thoughts still come back to you
I wonder what's become of you
I wonder if you're in love
I wonder if you're happy
I wonder what could have been

I heard you live in Germany now
How's the weather there?
Anyway,
Thanks for that one week
And thanks for the music suggestions
You were right,
The Rolling Stones are awesome

P.S, you made an excellent bocce ball partner.

I once knew a girl
Her hair was as golden as her locket  
Her eyes the color of the sea
Her skin as porcelain as her mothers china
She was so hungry for life, so alive
Innocent and naive
But in the best way possible
Because with innocence comes fortitude
There was no fear or fright
Oh how her future was so bright

And then it stopped,
Slowly and then all at once
Oh how that life faded from her in the blink of an eye
Anxiety came and swept her away
It's true what they say, only bad things happen quickly
And now when I look in the mirror I no longer see her

I see a sad, weak girl
Her hair no longer shines like gold
Her eyes now sunken in like the sea
Her skin so sallow and dull
Oh how I miss the girl I used to see
Oh how I miss I used to be
If you're listening please come back
This time I promise not to crack

Those eyes
I remember the time I first laid eyes on those eyes
They left me with a fluttering heart and shaky thighs
I wondered who was behind them
It's like they saw right through me
I was as transparent as a window pane

Those eyes
Oh, but those eyes
A sadness always lingers in their depths
Weighted down by the anchor of their past
Such hidden secrets beneath them
They always look so wistful, like a flower with a drooping stem

Those eyes
They never give a thing away
Hiding behind their beautiful gray  
So observant
But dare they be observed, never, not a chance
I wish they'd give me a chance

Those eyes
I love when they give me that look
That knowing look
Like we share the worlds biggest secret
Some hoax only we're in on
Like how the sky isn't really blue
And only we know it's true

Those eyes
The things they do to me
I am under their spell, but somehow I am still free
With just one look they leave me naked
They strip me of my semblance
I am so palpable and raw under their gaze
And somehow, they still love what they see

Those eyes
Oh, how I love
*those eyes

You said it was just a ****,
So were the taste of her lips worth the taste of my tears?
Were the sway of her hips worth my scarred wrists?
Were her moans worth my gasps for air as I cry?
Were her wanton gazes worth the sadness and hurt in my eyes?
Was her shuddering body beneath you worth my curled up one balling on your couch?
Was that few minutes of gratification worth my lifetime of distrust?
Was it worth it?
Was it?  
I sure hope it was

Left with jumbled thoughts
Trees rustle; all I hear are
These jumbled, sad thoughts

Left with teary eyes
Drinking tea but all I taste
Are these salty tears

Left with concealed scars
Watching tv; all I see
Are these ugly scars

Left feeling nothing
I hug myself but I feel
A shell of a girl

It's been 6 months  
Since I've knelt down on the cold tile floor
To rid myself of my dinner
All in the name of being thinner

But the thoughts persist
Even though I try and resist
They insist and insist and insist
Why do they have to exist?

You're fat they say
God, I wish they'd just go away
I pray and I pray and I pray
That they disappear one day

I'm afraid I'll never be cured
All I want is to feel beautiful, to be self assured
But I've never felt more obscured
Then I think of how much I've endured
And how much I've matured

I will not be consumed by this disease
It will no longer bring me to my knees
And I know it won't go away with ease
But one day, I promise you, one day, it will seize

Why do we equate hurt with love?
"Love isn't real unless it hurts"
No
Love is not a perpetual cycle of hurt
Love is not being stabbed in the heart
Over
And over again
And taking your attacker back
Because they did it out of love
No
They did not take that knife
And puncture your heart
Twisting and turning that sharp weapon  
As to really cause damage
Out of love

It starts with thoughts
They tear my insides up
Almost as much as this disease
Destroying my body
And my mind
I know what I do
Is sick and twisted (and I guess that makes me sick and twisted too)
But I can't help it
Because it's become a need
A way of life
It's ruined me already
I've lost my self to this evil sickness
Self destruction is my speciality
And it's sad really
That the cold tile floor
Feels like home

A stranger stopped me on the street today
To tell me I was beautiful
And I looked at him with searching eyes
Because I thought maybe he wanted something
But actually I don't think he wanted anything at all
And this realization
That a stranger wanted to make me smile
Just because
Makes me smile
Even more  
Than his words

Lips like morphine drip
They numb me and I want more
Please feed my addiction

Skin like alabaster
Touch me with your fluid skin
Quench my thirst for you

Eyes like the night sky
Star filled beneath their darkness
Fill my black holes too

I still love you
I wish you still loved me too
But you love her instead

And when I hear her name come out of your mouth
Your voice intoxicated by the mere thought of her
It leaves a bitter taste in mine

And when I see your eyes light up at her sight
Causing the same carnal look I once did
Mine quickly fill with dysphoria

And when I see you holding her hand
With the same hands that have explored every inch of my body
I want to take mine, and rip you away from her
Forever (which is what we were supposed to be, remember?)

Sometimes,
I wish I had amnesia
Because then
Maybe I could forget the past
And the secrets that haunt me
At 5 am
Would finally let me be

I'm not a very religious person anymore,
But I understand why people are
I understand people need something to hold on to
Because we're all just trying to get through life, when really we haven't got a clue

We grasp on to what we can
When we're drowning in pain
When we wish we could just escape from our own brain
Anything, even the smallest ounce of hope
Just something to help cope

To cope with the sorrow of yesterday
The chaos of today
The uncertainty of tomorrow
We all need a little something
To get us through
When we're feeling blue

I miss these winding roads
They used to feel like home
Every twist and turn another memory  
But now they're just a means to a place I seldom visit

I miss this sandy beach
It used to feel like home
Every grain of sand another memory
But now it's just a place to cool off that's long forgotten my footprints

I miss this house
It used to feel like home
Every flaw in the walls another memory
But now it's just a place to keep me warm when I feel like coming back

I miss this town
It used to feel like home
Every gas station and park another memory
But now it's just another washed up city that's washed me up too

I miss these people
They used to feel like home
Every face another memory
But now they're just nameless faces I used to know

I miss you
You used to feel like home
Every inch of your body another memory
But you're no longer here
And without you
No where feels like home

Remember that night we kissed?
It seemed your tongue just couldn't resist

In that moment, time stood still
God, your lips gave me such a thrill

That's a place I'd like to revisit someday  
And maybe even stay

So what do you say, can we repeat the past?
Maybe this time we'll even last

It's been 20 minutes you say
It's just coffee you say
You're so indecisive you say

My favorite color may change with the seasons
And I may not do everything with rhyme or reason

I may fall in love with every book I read
And I may not always know what I need

I may be a different girl than I was a short time ago
And there may be a lot I do not know

My life may be one big question mark
Like a tree that has lost it's bark

But,
If there's one thing I know the answer to
It's who I want to stand in the grocery store with
Staring at coffee choices for twenty minutes, just enjoying the view
And that person,
Is you

I will always remember that night in January
We sat on your couch, talking about some documentary
I was hanging on to your every word
God, you were so intoxicating
The thoughts and ideas just sprung from your mind  
As I was trying to take how much I wanted you off mine

Then you turned to me
"Do you believe in soul mates?" you said out of the blue
I tried to play it cool, not wanting to give anything away to you
"Uh, I think so, you?" I replied
"Yeah, I've already met her" you paused
Oh.
"You"

I've never been so happy to hear that word before
That is a moment I will forever adore
And I think that's when I knew
When I knew
I was in love with you

Let me break something down for you
Your cat calls and whistles leave me feeling cheap
and blue

No, they do not make me smile
Honestly, they make me feel quite vile

I was not put on this earth for your viewing pleasure
I am not some object that you have the right to just sit there and measure

Based off of what? My body? My face?
You are the reason I feel the need to carry mace

A woman's worth should not be determined by her appearance
How did this idea ever get clearance?

She is much more than what meets the eye
So next time you want to utter your lewd equivalent of a "hello" or a "hi"
Stop, and ask yourself "why?"